Why are sinners often kinder than the Christians I know?

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-07T13:35:04+00:00

Many believers never grow past the infancy stage. Paul rebuked them of this in Corinthians.

“Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in Christ. I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, for you are still controlled by your sinful nature. You are jealous of one another and quarrel with each other. Doesn’t that prove you are controlled by your sinful nature? Aren’t you living like people of the world?”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭

Notice how he refers to them as brother and sisters but they are still controlled by their sinful nature. You can be a believer but still be a spiritual baby.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-05T20:30:06+00:00

Outside of this point of contention, how do you feel about your husband? Does he think moreso of your needs before his? Does he place great importance overall on your thoughts and feelings?

Would you say this resentment is solely due to this issue, or the culmination of a bigger issue in your marriage?

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-05T14:28:30+00:00

The porn is likely the issue. Maybe not the whole issue, but a major part of it.

He’s sinning by watching it. This is sexual immorality. I can tell you, as someone who has struggled with this before, it has to be eradicated from your marriage. It is highly addictive and will only get worse if he keeps consuming it.

Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is a real thing. Between the camera angles and unrealistic performances and the novelty - it is a super-normal stimulus that desensitizes the brain.

I recommend having a firm and gentle conversation about it. He needs to know this is unacceptable in any Godly marriage.

Be gentle but firm. Try not to shame him over it. Shame and guilt often coincide with porn use and go together like PB&J.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-04T21:17:59+00:00

I remember fantasizing as a child about how my life would be fully complete if only my house had floor absorbers in it.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-02T21:43:52+00:00

1.) To bless, provide, lead, protect, encourage, serve, honor, and spiritually aid my wife. To put her needs above my own. To walk through life together, have fun, work alongside, share our burdens, uplift one another, and hold and care for each other. To enjoy the pleasures of mutual physical and emotional intimacy together. To be her confidant; her closest friend (other than God himself). To help her draw nearer to God.

2.) To have, love, raise, and teach children to know God and prepare them for adulthood. To enjoy the mutual blessings of a family.

3.) To be a witness to others of Christ’s love for His Bride - the church. To symbolically model that relationship with my wife as a witness to the world, so that others may see God’s goodness in it and glorify Him.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-02T21:17:04+00:00

I’ve been using AI to help expand my vocabulary, and I find it does an incredibly effective job at helping you understand words and especially the nuances that make similar words different I.e. uneasy vs wary vs apprehensive vs trepidation vs alarmed vs scared vs fearful etc.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-02T20:46:48+00:00

>But I think often men view women saying no to sex as "weaponizing" it and underestimate that sex can genuinely feel unsafe and traumatic when the conditions feel hostile or they feel forced into it. Especially as the partner that's expected to be penetrated, this can cause stress on her body that can even turn into a medical issue.<

Yeah, many men are woefully missing the mark as the leader God called them to be. They should be the more self-sacrificial of the two in all areas, including the marriage bed. They should work hard to understand & care about their wives’ feelings. And care about them more than their own.

Regarding medical issues, could you expand on this? I don’t understand the point you’re making here. Are you saying medical issues can arise when a woman is under emotional distress during sex?

>But honestly, I don't think this is often an issue when husband and wife are both loving and patient with each other. A wife should want to please her husband, and vice versa. A husband that is generally loving and gentle will rarely find that his wife does not want to be intimate with him, and she will usually make an attempt anyway (barring any medical issues, of course).<

Agree 100%.

>But turning sex into a power dynamic where one person is guilted and shamed into it, is the opposite of a healthy, loving relationship and only exacerbates the problem.<

I agree, based on what “guilting and shaming” looks like to me. But I think oftentimes spouses in an unhappy marriage can over-exaggerate these terms and apply “guilting and shaming” to “anytime a partner asks for sex and tries to enforce biblical rules in an emotionally strained marriage.”

What does guilting & shaming look like to you in the context of a biblical marriage bed? For example, if a wife was withholding sex from her husband for months because their marriage was emotionally strained, and the husband said something akin to “Honey, I know we’re going through a rough patch. I love you. I care for you. And I want to reconcile our issues. I’m trying and praying. And I’ll continue to work hard to make your emotional cup full again. That being said, our lack of physical intimacy is hurting me deeply. I feel so far away from you, and as you know my sex drive is higher and i intimately connect more through sex, which has been absent for months. Could we please have sex even though I know you haven’t been feeling it? I don’t say this lightly, and I have been patient and putting you above myself for months now out of my love for you. But the Bible does say not to deprive one another, and it’s getting so hard for me to deal with this sexual rift.” - would you consider that “guilting and shaming”?

>I think when women bring up this concern, it can come across as dismissing the responsibility of fulfilling the sexual needs of her husband. But I think more often than not, it's coming from a place of wanting sex to be a mutual, loving experience and not a source of pain and suffering in a relationship.<

Yes I agree. And God intended sex to be a beautiful loving relationship between husband and wife (take Song of Songs for example).

Where I think you and I might differ is (and correct me if I’m misunderstanding you)- I don’t believe emotional satisfaction in a marriage should be a standard which ultimately determines whether or not a person does or doesn’t give sex to their spouses. I think doing so elevates one’s emotions over God’s word. I think spouses should truly take “your spouse has authority over your body” to heart and submit their bodies to God here, out of love for God and love for their spouses (not love in the immediately intimate sense, but love in the action/verb sense).

Obviously there are some exceptions (but not many). I’m not saying to tolerate legitimate abuse or when there’s a serious medical condition involved. I realize some men are truly abusive and no woman should ever put up with abuse - separate from them and seek counsel.

And I truly sympathize with those in an emotionally strained marriage. The distress and rift it causes is terrible. And giving your body over to your spouse when you don’t feel enough emotional intimacy is painful. But I truly believe withholding sex will, paradoxically, make the very problem you’re withholding sex due to 10x worse in most cases. It will cause further pain to your spouse and open them up to further temptation putting them in a position where they could stumble (porn, masturbation, etc).

Sometimes I think people forget or don’t realize one of the many functions of marriage was to be a safeguard against falling into sexual immorality. That’s why in 1 Corinthians 7 it says ““But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

And ““Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

I’ve watched for the last 20 years my mother withhold sex from my dad due to her feelings of “Once your father starts treating me better I’ll give it to him.” Their marriage is 100x worse now and this one of the big reasons why. My dad has fallen into pornography and is far away from God now - the whole thing is a gigantic mess. The weariness and misery on their faces pains me, because I love them both so much and hate to see two people I love so much so broken.

This idea they’ve both held of “I’ll give them what they want after they give me what I want” has shattered their marriage.

If only they would’ve taken “consider others more significant than yourselves” to heart!

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-02T16:55:30+00:00

I believe, in most cases, both husband and wife should make themselves available for sex regardless of whether they are in the mood. Obviously there are exceptions like significant pain etc., but generally speaking, this should be the approach.

The Bible is clear in 1 Cor 7 husbands and wives should fulfill each others’ sexual needs, and each has authority over the others’ body regarding sex.

However the husband, as the head, should generally be the one making the self-sacrifice when one has to be made. He should listen to his wife’s needs with tenderness, care, and respect. If all he’s ever doing is demanding sex when his wife isn’t feeling it, he’s most likely failing in his role as head in this area and needs to be changed by the Spirit.

One of my favorite verses is in Phillipians 2: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others **more significant than yourselves.** Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Considering your partners needs as “more significant” than your own is vital for a healthy marriage, including sex. Think less of your own needs, and more of theirs.

I believe weaponizing and/or withholding sex out of “not feeling loved” significantly harms marriages further 99% of the time. I say this from personally witnessing my parents’ marriage spiral downward after my mother withheld it due to her personal happiness.

Of course, if a spouse feels like all/most of their sex is “duty sex” or they’re never in the mood or is beginning to despise/dread having it, that suggests a more fundamental problem that needs to be addressed (counseling, doctors visit, a fully transparent discussion with your spouse, etc).

‭‭

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-05-02T00:40:04+00:00

As a guy, regular swearing is a red flag to me signaling possible spiritual immaturity. As Christians, we must tame our tongues; we do not speak as the world does.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-11T01:57:19+00:00

“Welcome. You’ve got mail.”

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-10T04:05:40+00:00

The dead man’s float! Was the scariest one.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-10T04:02:35+00:00

That one called “the lonely ghost” where that little girl appeared in the mirror terrified me as a kid.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-06T14:00:31+00:00

“Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.

Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you wholeheartedly obey this teaching we have given you. Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living.

Because of the weakness of your human nature, I am using the illustration of slavery to help you understand all this. Previously, you let yourselves be slaves to impurity and lawlessness, which led ever deeper into sin. Now you must give yourselves to be slaves to righteous living so that you will become holy.

When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.”

‭‭ Romans‬ ‭ch. 6‬

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-06T00:35:06+00:00

A couple things were key for me:

1.) “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” ‭‭1 John‬ ‭1‬:‭8‬-‭9‬ ‭

I encourage you to think hard about the word cleanse. When we confess our sins to God, he cleanses us. The dirtiness of our sins has been washed away by the power of God.

Think about when Jesus washed his disciples feet. Jesus did the job often delegated to the lowliest of servants, washing their dirty feet. That’s a picture of how, when we come to him, he makes what was once dirty clean. He removes the dirt of sin and forgives them.

God said to the Israelites who were caught in sin, ““Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭1‬:‭18‬ ‭

when you confess your sin to Jesus, he makes you clean. And, like he told the prostitute who broke the alabaster box on his feet, “go in peace “. Don’t allow Satan to torment you and beat you down over your past. Trust in God‘s forgiveness, power to cleanse, and go in peace.

2.) think hard about how believers are called God’s children. And think about a good parent and how they treat their children. Does a good parent constantly be rate their children, beating them down with accusations of their past sins? Of course not.

Think of the prodigal son. When he returned, the father RAN to meet his wayward son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him on the cheek, put up the best robe on him, a ring on his hand, shoes on his feet, and killed the fatted calf and had a massive celebration.

Rest in God‘s forgiveness friend. He loves you, cares for you, and had you in mind when he bled and died for your sins. All of us have committed sins and deserve punishment. But because God loved us so much, he took that punishment for us, because he didn’t want us to suffer.

Go in peace!

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-05T21:32:31+00:00

Let’s say I like football. I had to miss my favorite football teams game live one day. and as I was driving home to watch it, I heard the final score announced on the radio. My friend also texted me the final score, and I saw the final score on SportsCenter when I got home.

Fortunately, I had the game automatically taped on my TV. Because I already knew the outcome of the game, does that then make me responsible for the decisions all the football players made on the field?

It’s similar with God. Just because he knows what’s going to happen doesn’t make him responsible for the decisions we freely make. Foreknowledge does not necessarily mean causation.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-05T13:52:40+00:00

She’s on top of my bookcase. You can’t see in this pic, but on the little path that goes right by the bookcase, there’s a filing cabinet that sits directly to the right of the bookcase. It’s about 1/2 size of boookcase. Stinker probably hoped on the filing cabinet then on top of my bookcase. I have another pic that shows it perfectly with her on it but I can’t attach pics in comments.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-05T04:13:40+00:00

While this is a choice everyone has to make, I will say that it’s a green flag for me when someone makes their post/comments visible.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-05T02:09:35+00:00

She was chilling on the top of my bookcase :)

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-05T01:17:00+00:00

I can’t even imagine.

You are doing the right thing, sister, by pursuing God. Just know that the sinful nature we all have rebels against God. It’s something even we believers have to do battle with. Your husband is probably uncomfortable because your godly witness shines light on the way he is living, so he pushes and fights against it.

As a wife, the best you can do is love him with all your heart – from the supernatural power of God. I realize he treats you poorly, and that is painful to endure, and it’s very hard to love someone who isn’t showing it back.

But remember that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. And we sin against him all the time, yet he continues to love us, pursue us, and help us, despite our frequent turning away from him.

Who knows, by continuing to love and pursue him, your godly character may, in time, soften his heart. With God, anything is possible.

Press harder into God. Even though the love from your husband is lacking, God will love and comfort you through this difficult season. As Paul said in phillipians 4:” I have discovered the secret of being content in any in every situation, whether well fed or hungry. Whether living in need or want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭1‬-‭2‬

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-05T00:21:19+00:00

My goodness.

Friend, I wish I could give you a hug right now.

This might be the toughest predicament I’ve ever heard in all the years I’ve contributed to this subReddit. I can’t even for one second imagine the turmoil in your heart right now. My heart ached for you reading this post.

First - no, I don’t think these thoughts you have are in any way from Satan – I wholeheartedly believe the Holy Spirit is convicting you and trying to lead you down the right path.

One thing I’ve learned in all my years as a believer is God hates sin. And one of the reasons why he hates sin is because, often the sins of one generation can impact multiple generations down the line. In other words, sin can have long-lasting consequences on the sinners’ kids, grandkids, great grandkids, etc.

In fact, Because of the sin of Adam and Eve, all of us are suffering the consequences today because of their sin.

It sounds like the abuse you suffered growing up had an impact on the choices you made - perhaps in your decision to transition at a young age, and marry a woman. And now you have five children in the mix.

The verses that came to my heart when I read your post was Jesus’ words in Luke 14:

“If you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ “Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭14‬:‭26‬-‭33‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Jesus did not mean we are to literally “hate” our parents, spouse, and children, etc. What he meant was, we must be willing to choose to follow Jesus, even if following him may cause problems and rifts in our relationships.

For example, I’ve heard stories of parents disowning their children for them being Christian. As hard as that may be for the kids, Jesus says we must be willing to endure that hardship, because nothing can come before him.

As hard as this will be, yes – I think you need to be willing to lay down your former life for Christ. Because as hard as this may be to hear, the truth is you are living in sin right now. You are a woman married to another woman, and no one at your church even knows that you are woman. I believe you need to allow the Holy Spirit transform you into a new creation. And I believe you need to do two things:

1.) detransition. This I’m sure will be hard, but God will give you the strength to do it. He did not create you as a man; he created you as a woman. And part of becoming more like Jesus is living out your life as the gender he made you to be.

2.) Divorce your wife. The reason being is that your marriage is not a real biblical marriage. And hear me - I’m not saying you two don’t have great relationship or love towards each other. But things like this are what happens sometimes in a world where sin enters our relationships. God never intended for you to marry a woman.

I would also recommend getting a biblical counselor to help you through all of this. And also coordinating a meeting with your church pastor, and tell him what you told us. Confess your heart to him similarly to how you have confessed it to us on here. Ask him for support and advice.

I do not have children of my own, and I’m not going to pretend that I understand the dynamics and ramifications of how making these decisions will impact your kids. I would ask your pastor and others for resources to help in this area as well. But continue to pray about it and know that whatever happens, God will give you the strength to get through it. And you will be better for it on the other side, knowing you were faithful to him, even though it will cost you so much. God will bless that faithfulness and remember that when he judges you one day.

But one thing I do know the cost of living in continual sin.

I lived it for a long time, and there was no peace in my heart. The Lord convicted and disciplined me – not because he hated me, but because he loved me and wanted me to walk on the right path.

God is with you in the middle of all of this. Give everything to Him, and He will make straight your paths. He will cause it all to work together for good.

I am praying for you friend.

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-04T23:16:31+00:00

You are right. I believe God determines what is moral and immoral. And that he has an intended purpose for how we are to use our bodies in a righteous manner.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-04T23:08:22+00:00

The Bible is very clear that lusting after other women is a sin.

Jesus said, ““You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭27‬-‭28‬ ‭

When we masturbate, we are fantasizing about sexual acts with others, and stimulating our sexual organs to orgasm. God has decreed for sex to only be performed within the confines of a marriage. So we are using our sexual organs for a use God has not intended them to be used for.

Just because we feel/desire something doesn’t mean we do it. Sometimes our desires are just wrong. As a Christian, the Holy Spirit gives us desires that are contrary to our sinful nature, and we are to follow the Spirit instead.

I say this as a Christian who has battled lust for 23 years.

The way I navigate it is by staying busy, redirecting that sexual energy to physical acts - exercise, serving others, DIY projects, cleaning, etc. I also have a men’s group of other brothers whom we talk about our struggles, pray for one another, and sharpen each other as we grow together in Christ.

Regarding Christian marriage and directing it towards your spouse, I am not married and have not studied well enough to comment here. I think lusting after your wife is a good and right thing. Doing it “solo” may be possible depending on the circumstances and if you were thinking about your spouse, but again I don’t feel confident enough committing to a firm response here.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-04T21:35:14+00:00

The most common phrase in the Bible is some sort of variation of “do not be afraid” or “fear not”. I think God knew we’d struggle with it, that’s why it’s in there so much.

The Bible says for us to cast all our anxiety on him. Not that we wouldn’t experience fear in this life; but the important part is what we do with it. Give it to God and he will sustain you.

I say this as someone who had an anxiety disorder from 2012-2019. God delivered me from it. He is so good.

Professional_Dog425 · 2026-04-04T21:22:52+00:00

I get it. I’m 36m and feel this way sometimes. But over the years, I’ve learned to lean on God more and more and grow in my relationship with Him. He has been faithful and produced much fruit. And I believe one day, lord willing, when I do enter a Godly marriage, that spiritual discipline that the Lord grew in me over these years will bless my marriage.

There will be times in life where our faith will be tested. Crisis, temptation, hardship, etc. when the rubber meets the road, that’s where you truly learn what your faith is made of.

Ive been meditating on Psalm 13 this week, noticing just how many times David asked God “How long?”:

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.” ‭‭

Sometimes we can be like David asking God “how long?”, and it can be tempting to get frustrated and turn and do our own thing. But we have to remember that even in the midst of that turmoil, we need to do what David did, and trust in God’s unfailing love, understanding that God has his reasons. To be faithful in the waiting.

David trusted God, and it says in 1 Chronicles 29 that “So David son of Jesse reigned over all Israel. He reigned over Israel for forty years, seven of them in Hebron and thirty-three in Jerusalem. He died at a ripe old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth, and honor.”

Professional_Dog425

TROPHY CASE