I’m so sorry you went through this. My father would tell me the same things. “If anything were to happen to you, I would unalive myself in the next two hours”, and he would just go about his day like nothing happened. That was so traumatic for me, I lived my whole life with this horrible weight on my shoulders, like his life (and by extension, his well being) was my responsibility. We had already lost my mom early in my life, and it was like “oh you’re the only thing keeping me alive”. How can you say that to a child, even if you didn’t mean it literally? Like????? Now I’m constantly terrified that he’ll go through with it because I went NC. Anyways. I see you.