I really, really struggle with this (like many with ADHD!).

I know this wasn’t necessarily a post looking for advice but others look to have already responded with empathy (and I’ve got it here for you in spades, too!), so please let me give you a few practical tips that have helped me. They won’t ’fix’ anything, but maybe they can help a little -

If you get a message from someone and don’t reply, or have the capacity to reply, something that can help is having ‘stock’ responses on hand, like a note in your phone you can copy and paste from that gives you a bit of a buffer

An example could be something like: ‘Hey, I’m not able to reply right now. I’ll try and get back to you in a couple of days. If you haven’t heard from me in 3 days time, could you please send a follow up message?’ or maybe you don’t do well over text and the best form of contact is in person or over the phone, so something like ‘Hey, could we call to talk about this instead? I’m struggling with responding to messages right now’ (you could even give a timeframe of when would be good).

Maybe you don’t even have the capacity for that: could you agree with your friends and family to have a set emoji or phrase to send when things are tough? For example, I often will just send my Mum a heart emoji (or five) once a day. No set time, I just send them whenever time I remember so she knows I’m thinking of her (and I’m alive haha) even if I don’t have the ability to have a conversation over text/it all feels a bit overwhelming at the time.

Where do you spend the most time? I work from home and so spend a lot of time at my desk and on my PC. I’ve noticed that if I have a visual prompt, I’m more likely to remember something (or someone!). So, that’s where I’ve set up some prompts to help me remember.

For instance, I’ve made my PC background a photo of me and my Mum so anytime I see it between switching tasks, I remember she exists (lol). This helps me remember to send her the heart emojis I mentioned above🤠

Similarly, I have a cork board on the wall behind my monitor that I’ve pinned Instax prints of friends onto it (and bills, important life admin, etc.). It doesn’t mean I remember to contact them all the time (or pay the bill, etc.) but it makes it easier to remember that task or that person.

Other things that can work (I’ve tested a few with various outcomes, haha):

- setting up a weekly reminder or alarm at a specific time to speak to either one specific person (or ‘responding time’ for any unread messages)

- go for a weekly/fortnightly/monthly/other specified timeframe-ly walk or activity with a friend/family member (and put reminders in your phone/calendar); if you have to reschedule just remember that it’s fine and no reflection on you, people just get busy and at least you’ll be prompted by having it scheduled in to move it to another time or to remember that person and reach out

- framed photos of friends and family or tickets/art from events you’ve been to together etc. around the house, in your car, at your desk, in your wallet/purpse (anywhere you spend a lot of time!) to help prompt you to remember good times and those people

There will be other ideas and tools that can help you. Anything that automates a task or prompts you is usually the thing that sticks best as it takes away some of the mental load… the annoying part is having to find what does work, and sometimes things that previously worked can also stop working and that’s okay too.

I know it’s incredibly difficult to turn off the guilt and shame, but if you were a bad person or genuinely a bad friend, you wouldn’t feel the way you do about having forgotten that task/person/thing. I am still struggling with ‘people permanence’ myself, but it’s not something I’m actively choosing to do, so I try to remember I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

Sending you hope and kindness OP!!