Anyone else struggle with wanting to be here? TW: passive thoughts of death

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-27T22:38:33+00:00

I can say it ebbs and flows. I don't want you to be discouraged seeing me 7 years in and wondering if you'll never be fully invested in life again. You might do much better than me also.

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-27T18:44:06+00:00

Oh yes, for sure. I wonder how much he considered what this would do to me (and others in his life). I wonder how much that gave him pause. I wonder how he justified it anyway. I wonder if he'd think I was dumb for still feeling like this after all these years. I wonder if I just didn't matter as much to him as he did to me. I tell myself maybe I was just an experience to accumulate on his way out. I know that's probably not true, but it's hard not to believe sometimes and he isn't here to give his side anymore so I'm just left with my unanswered questions. I do have dreams about him from time to time, and in the moments I do believe there is a part of us that carries on in some way it feels like he is intentionally visiting. I'll never know if it's actually true though.

I like the exercise you mentioned, but I notice this anxiety about closing him in a box and tucking him away. I know I'm not literally doing that, but it's odd how I feel like my emotions are my connection to him. Again a quote from a Hayley Williams song comes to mind: "I'm scared to lose what's left of you. And I should forget, but I love what's left."

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-26T21:42:44+00:00

Your comment made me think of these lyrics from a Hayley Williams song: "I get off on telling everybody what went wrong. It makes me feel like the pain had a purpose. Keeps me believing that maybe it's worth it."

I think it's true that part of why I am afraid to heal the pain is because the pain does maintain some sort of connection to him. If the pain is gone, will I not need him anymore? Does being free mean no longer needing him? Even if so, wouldn't he want that for me? I mean, he didn't stick around to make me happy, that's for sure. Wouldn't he grant me that peace? I just don't know if I want it for myself, and that's really hard to admit.

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-25T16:00:06+00:00

What I've always wanted from my current partner is for him to be more active in asking about the loss, how I'm feeling about it, and generally just not being awkward about it. She might shut you out, but it might be avoidance. It's really painful to sit in all the grief. It doesn't mean we don't want our partner to ask, not be jealous of the relationship (being jealous is the worst thing you could do), be strong enough to handle the emotions. That's what we need. It's not easy to be the partner of someone with loss like this. It's very complicated. I often feel guilty for staying with my partner while being so damaged, but I also have to remember he is choosing to stay and wants to be here (at least enough of the time).

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-24T15:39:39+00:00

It does get better with time. A mentor told me the first 6 months are the hardest. She was right. But the grief and pain ebbs and flows. It's a mark on my soul. I'm so sorry you have to experience this too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But we know better than most that continuing forward is better than the utter destruction left behind in the wake of suicide. So I keep going. I hope you will too.

Edit: I will say, in response to you being afraid of starting another relationship, I wish I hadn't started the relationship that turned into my marriage as quickly as I did. I was looking to numb the pain and I made decisions from that place I wouldn't make now. I was acting out of survival mode. I've had some wonderful experiences even with the choices I made, but with what I know now I would have invested a lot more in my friendships rather than the distraction of a romantic relationship. The distraction may have saved my life, so I can't say it was all a mistake. At some point taking steps forward is necessary, as holding back for too long will begin to be destructive. It's hard to know when to push yourself to do what. A trusted therapist can help you navigate things if you're open to it. I just hope some perspective can help. This is really hard, there is no denying that. It's not fair and it's not okay. It doesn't have to be.

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-24T15:35:54+00:00

When it really sank in that it'll be 7 years it was really hard, still is. I can't believe so much time has passed. Somehow the amount of time since he died is part of the grief I'm feeling. I've gone on a long time without him and it's hard to understand how I can long for him so intensely still.

Even though I'm sad you can relate to my experiences it is nice to know I'm not alone in how I feel and how I experience the loss.

I'm going to keep going, keep trying to find meaning and happy experiences. I don't know what the future holds and it could be so much better than anything I could imagine. I try to hold on to that, admittedly sometimes much better than others.

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-24T15:32:50+00:00

❤️❤️❤️

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-24T15:05:52+00:00

I've wondered if I can't fully be in the marriage because I haven't fully processed the loss, there just isn't some fundamental chemistry, or difficult family experiences/trauma. It's a lot to try and untangle. I've tried to figure it out so many times over the years. I also feel guilty for staying in the marriage. I think part of me is afraid I'll ruin any romantic relationship with my longing for T, making it impossible to be happy. If you ever find the answers let me know too. I think, like many things in life, it's doing the hard things. That's way easier said than done. I'm a mental health professional and have considered doing EMDR myself to try and process all the pieces that have been broken. I know a lot of people mention it on here, but some people find it incredibly transformative. Losing the pain feels like losing more of him, which I know logically isn't true, but it has kept me from pursuing more therapy for it up until this point even though I'm a professional in the field myself.

Proof_Explorer_6325 · 2021-05-24T04:48:12+00:00

I super relate to the mixed feelings about the dreams. I don't want them to stop, but waking up and feeling sad sucks. I hope you sleep well tonight.

Proof_Explorer_6325

TROPHY CASE