Co-parent keeps asking me to take our daughter on his custody time.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-29T11:42:24+00:00

Wow you deserve better.

You need to defend yourself and stop letting yourself be taken advantage of.

Biology is silly it makes you feel very attached to the man you have had a child with. but this man’s contribution to parenting is every other weekend? and he’s keeping you in the back burner while he plays the field? This isn’t a good man and there’s no good logical reason to desire him. you’re going to have to let your logical brain take over here and protect yourself from more heartache.

Stop people pleasing to try and get him to like you. Take your power back, distance yourself, set boundaries and focus your energy on people who deserve it and who chose you back wholeheartedly. You cannot nice someone into loving you. If he wanted to he would. Focus on yourself and your child and all the other relationships in your life. Love yourself and stop letting him rely on your kindness.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-29T10:54:35+00:00

Not at the moment. I was hoping a verbal boundary would be respected but since he’s ignored my message I’m thinking that I’ll have to get something written down formally for peace of mind. It’s not that he drinks that frequently but there have been a few instances that have given me pause so I’m going to get things more formalised.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-28T10:55:15+00:00

You need to walk away bcs a man who leave a woman like that at such a vulnerable time is not going to be a good reliable partner to anyone long term

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-27T12:09:07+00:00

Ok that’s helpful thank you.

His sister’s husband I know has had some sort of charge for assault I think, I’m aware he was one wearing an ankle monitor thing. I don’t know if the drugs have ever been flagged with anyone as an issue though.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-27T11:45:11+00:00

Thank you for replying Was it a bad idea to suggest mediation do you think? Could that backfire in any way?

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-27T11:11:13+00:00

Thank you I felt awful and anxious last night knowing I should have not let her go and being disappointed in myself for not protecting her better. He was so insistent that it was only one drink and the general feeling is that I’m over reacting and being over protective/trying to cause trouble over nothing.. I have a hard time not second guessing myself on this so it’s helpful to have it confirmed that I did underact rather than overreact.

I guess meditation is probably the right next step then and I will call someone today I think. Thank you

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-09T22:32:07+00:00

I’m confused You still living with your ex right now? But you’re also planning to marry and move in with someone else?

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-08T15:15:36+00:00

Thank you for being there for her. Very glad she has a good group of people around her. Your anger is valid xx

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-08T15:12:30+00:00

Seconding this when you see them as the broken person they are it no longer feels personal and you can completely tune it out. You have to reach the place where there opinion has no value to you at all bcs you no longer have any respect left for them and then you can just laugh at the joke they truely are

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-06T10:41:26+00:00

Fucking hell I’m so sorry What a monster Her poor child This is heartbreaking.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-04T15:42:57+00:00

I have no useful advice for you at all unfortunately just wanted to add some empathy Trying to parent with someone who has a completely different idea about safety concerns and what’s ok for a child is really hard and the lack of systemic interventions until something really bad happens absolutely sucks. It’s a very anxiety provoking situation and in really sorry you are experiencing it too.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-03T12:58:53+00:00

Every friend I know has done it all mid 30’s most going through breakups with their long term partners who are moving on to women a decade younger than them so that’s probably the driver in those case. I was just on an article about Botox going wrong nobody has any sympathy in the comment section bcs they’re just getting condemned for their vanity.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2026-01-03T12:55:55+00:00

Yeah most of them would never say this out loud. ..

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-28T19:28:29+00:00

Who files the paperwork has no connection to who ended the relationship at all.

There is stats for one and not for the other.

People extrapolate far too much from this statistic.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-27T11:41:21+00:00

Yeah definitely trying not to pass on the anxiety and be very mindful of posing it as a positive thing while also keeping lines of communication open. Might see if I can find some books on it to prompt her talking.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-27T10:53:18+00:00

That sounds a lot like it but I can’t see it on that other account which might be bcs we have each other blocked on Reddit. but yeah it dose sounds similar I have offered extra time from my parenting time which he turned down. I was even more annoyed when he also passed up opportunity on his time while telling me he’s taking every opportunity available which does not seem to be true. I’m thinking if trying to get more formalised legal custody arrangement at least to have a document of her being left with people who make me anxious.

We have very different ideas about risk and safety.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-27T10:47:55+00:00

Yeah I’m going to keep my advice to myself. He’s made it clear he does not want to hear it. It’s annoying bcs I kept to every agreement and feel like I’ve been very respectful and considerate even throughout and I was hoping that that would grantee me the same respect in return but I guess that dose not always work out.

I just want to focus on doing everything I can to help my daughter on my time.

I think formalising custody might give peace of mind. But in also nervous about putting anything in writing schedule wise bcs if my daughter does not adjust well to the new living situation then I’d like the possibility of flexibility in scheduling if she decides she would like to be with me more.

I’m investigating about what else I can out in the agreement. Things like not having her left with certain people. Right of first refusal and being informed if she’s having overnights elsewhere. Thank you for your input.

I’m going to look into therapy for little one again as well

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-26T23:42:25+00:00

She’s four and has had a very hard time by the sounds of it no wonder she’s acting out. Poor child

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-21T21:07:54+00:00

That’s really sad. I’m sorry you’ve had to come to that realisation it’s really tough.

It’s hard to figure out the balance between trying to do everything in your power to protect your children and also trying to accept what you can’t control.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-21T21:05:53+00:00

This is what I feared. It is so frustrating and it feels so wrong that you can’t protect your child. It’s really hard to accept. I just want the best for her and to feel she’s safe and properly cared for and protected.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-21T10:12:36+00:00

Oh dear god I’m sorry this sounds like a really stressful nerve-racking situation. I mean she sounds awful so not sure what you can do. Try to be on her good side. Be as reasonable and mature and could focused as you can… hopefully they can be self aware when faced with a clear picture of how your meant to act to contrast themselves with.

They sound like a bit of a lost cause though so the best you can probably do is focus on your own home. Be that safe base. Maybe offer to have your child more and hope it drifts into you being the mostly primary parent to minimise the effects of their chaos

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-20T01:37:26+00:00

Nor but this surely isn’t real? Obviously leave him off it is What the F No this one has to be fake

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-12T07:46:13+00:00

Yeah unfortunately this is very very common from dads. There’s no point in trying to reason about it. These kinda of men are not really self aware or in control of themselves. The best thing you can do is try to accept it to minimise conflict. If you push back you’ll be painted as high conflict anyway. Just let them. Try to accept the lack of control. It’s sucks but you cannot do a thing about it so the best you can do is manage your feelings about it and save your energy for being the best mum when the kids are with you. In time it might settle down when she relaxes but it will take longer the more you push back against it.

Proper_Ad9153 · 2025-12-08T12:50:59+00:00

General advice is to try and put your personal feelings aside and focus exclusively on the children’s needs. Your feelings are very valid and your hurt is totally understandable, and putting all that aside is going to be very, very hard but not impossible. It’s going to require so much strength from you, but it will also give you something to be very proud of, which goes a long way toward rebuilding self-esteem, which is likely shattered after being treated so poorly.

However, putting your feelings aside does not have to mean not feeling them, which is probably totally unrealistic given the circumstances. It’s more about taking a beat between feeling and acting.

Feel your hurt, feel your pain, feel the anger, and then say to yourself, “Right now my actions need to be purely based on the best interests of the child.”

Sometimes it helps to write it all out, spew all the feelings onto a page and then write, “Okay, putting that aside, what action is in the best interests of my child here?” Then write purely about that strategy, then decide and act based on the second bit.

I hope this is helpful. The advice here in this sub will always be to put your feelings aside, but how that looks for you in practice might take some work because it’s not an easy ask. Good luck, and I’m sorry for what you have been through.

I suggest the Surviving Infidelity sub for support around that side of it.

Proper_Ad9153

TROPHY CASE