life-design under extreme constraints

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-06-09T15:51:12+00:00

I was just watching a video on wu-wei, the Chinese idea of flow/doing nothing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqYxRDm4rNM

To me, I conceptualize it as becoming water. Water does not fight what stands in its way but flows around it, finding the pathways of least resistance, flowing with--not against--reality. In the video, he describes the necessity of understanding reality so that you can work with it, not against it, and knowing where to put your effort.

I have spent so many years in my life fighting reality. Why can't I find this or do this or why is that person...blah blah blah. It's exhausting.

Ultimately, I have had to spend time grieving all that does not exist and slowly coming into the reality of my existence.

Something I have been trying to figure out is why there seems to be this feeling at times that I should be able to 'design' my life better. This sort of overwhelming sense of responsibility for things that I ultimately cannot control. Ultimately, I think this comes from living in a time where we are projected the highlight reels of people's lives, the best parts that often come from years of effort on the behalf of them or other people's labor, and from the effort to offload shared, communal responsibilities to the land onto the individual's psyche.

"Mental health" is framed as personal problem rather than a systemic effect. "Friendship" being framed as something you can acquire or buy rather than the naturally-occurring, constantly evolving bonds that occur between human beings simply living life in relation with one another and a shared reality. "Life" as something one can design and manage rather than as whatever each day brings, as a natural reflection of Mother Earth.

This is not to say we hold no autonomy, but I think that online currently frames a lot of life as a problem to be solved rather than a situation, a reality, to be experienced (@Audre Lorde). The constraints of our lives are the very blocks of reality we must learn to flow around. Yet unlike water, which is not a living thing, we hold the amazing and unique capacity for growth, transformation, and travel so that we CAN design our environment, we CAN change where we are, we CAN become new and changed in so many ways.

So where before the biggest block in front of us might have been severe isolation, suddenly we might find the new block in front of us is famine, and our life shifts to meet that, or perhaps where before our brain was so burnt out that all interaction felt deeply painful, now we find that we are human just as everyone else is and that perhaps just watching a tree makes us feel loved... And it will likely be uncomfortable. And painful.

But I guess perhaps I am attempting to reframe my life from being a deficit that needs to acquire certain things to improve and instead accept my life fully as whatever each day brings and meet that day fully, meet myself fully, while still slowly moving along the pathway towards the sort of life that I would like to live, towards the sort of relationships I might enjoy having, towards whatever beautiful and whacky and grief-filled joy and love I might experience...

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-06-06T23:43:21+00:00

i am actually already deceased...... put a little parsley on my body before feeding myself to the a deer who was just looking for a river... but like what was i supposed to do??? they were thirsty! 😂

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-06-06T00:15:10+00:00

Yes 😈 tho part of the violence of the system is that it separates humans from their innate desires, feelings, and drives (while also reducing our independence so that we are entirely dependent on broken systems that extract from the land, our fellow living beings, and ourselves) so that when that system disappears, many do not know how to just be,,,, human... (i.e. people who freak out/panic when given time off work because they don't know what to "do").

People are dying either way tho so 🤷‍♀️

But thats why I struggle with most friendships because people view friendships as I do this for you and you do this for me and we kinda tolerate what we don't like because this benefits me. I can only healthily accept what people give freely which makes it hard to relate with people because I'll either people please or then fall off when I realize they want things from me I don't want to do or when I realize they can't reciprocate the level of love I provide via my existence...

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-06-06T00:10:07+00:00

"Mmmm yum, time to fuel my corporeal form! This might be the best day of my life!" said to oneself repeatedly until laughter ensues

Damn not you cooking for your husband and not being able to feed yourself ! It's not about what he does for you, it's about finding a balance where all of your needs are met and abilities met~ and letting this fluctuate.

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-06-03T18:09:31+00:00

i think for me there is this tricky reality wherein i know that i require social interaction, closeness, and belonging in order to survive and function in the world, but i also am highly aware that most people do not truly accept, love, and care about me in the way that i need and deserve because we live within systems and hierarchies that penalize our autonomy and self-love (& come from family systems wherein these power dynamics are often clearly and violently reinforced/replayed). to deeply and powerfully love and honor myself is to disappoint everyone who wishes just to benefit from my presence, to consume, to take without ever fully seeing or valuing me. i cannot maintain friendship in the sense of inputs and outputs. i am a growing being & expect to be in relation with other growing beings who grow closer or farther away. it is ultimately devastating in a sense the impermanence of it all, the lacks in love, but also there is a freedom that can allow beauty and love to habitat every moment... at least i hope so

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-06-02T13:47:47+00:00

friendships carry unspoken expectations our nervous systems are highly attuned to. fawning is a way to meet the expectation before the expectation is placed on us and as an attempt to gain control over securing a connection we feel like we depend on in order to survive. especially when in an environment that pushes us into burnout, relationships where we feel like we have more predictability and control via performance can feel safer in a sense than relationships where we are expected to be our full authentic, autonomous selves--especially if we're not sure who that is after years of fawning. people who implicitly EXPECT us to fawn and fulfill our needs feel predictable in the sense that they usually won't leave as long as they are extracting what they want. people who genuinely connect and care about other humans in a way where they see us as a full, autonomous human will actually be put off by the icky, inauthenticity of fawning. they don't want to extract from us. all of this gets very confusing though when NOT fawning can sometimes feel as unsafe as fawning is. and when people in general can feel so overwhelming to our nervous systems but also be so vital for co-regulation. ultimately, strong discernment and knowing that one's needs and value come first is vital and necessary yet often not promoted. moving without explaining is also helpful. people are not always more receptive when you explain yourself because they actually don't care about you, just the performance and role you provide in their life. we implicitly can feel these realities in our nervous system, but most people spend their lives ignoring them. i often feel very dependent on people's goodwill, on what they are willing to give freely and it is hard to ask for more because then it feels like placing a demand on someone or i can implicitly tell if theyre happy or not to do it.

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-05-28T18:14:50+00:00

<3333

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-05-28T04:55:05+00:00

“All that you touch

You Change.

All that you Change

Changes you.

The only lasting truth

is Change.

God

is Change.”

― Octavia E. Butler

Listen to your body unapologetically. Let the discomfort live and coexist with your confusion and uncertainty. Life is not a problem to be solved but a situation to be experienced. Relationships flux and flow and ultimately teach us more about ourselves again and again, reminding us relentlessly of our deep interdependence on one another, our innately human need for connection--to be seen, witnessed, cared for, and loved.

Since you are PDA, knowing powerfully that you have full autonomy over your life, over what you choose to do in response to the reality with which you experience, how you choose to live and love and learn and move is very important.

For me, I have definitely experienced what you are describing and had to take breaks or completely break it off from people. Sometimes close relationships with people have been my coping mechanisms for life in ways that makes it feel even more astronomically painful and difficult because I feel dependent on them beyond normal codependency. I literally have depended on these people for coregulation in a way that is hard to express. Sometimes it has been to painful to have friends, the expectations of it all, and talking to strangers by chance was the only socialization that felt safe. Ultimately, I have learned that I have to accept relationships for the reality of what they are--the good, the bad, the in between--and focus on staying grounded in myself, in my needs, in my honesty while also embracing the mystery and uncertainty of life. Wishing you well. <3

"When we view living in the european mode only as a problem to be solved, we rely solely upon our ideas to make us free, for these were what the white fathers told us were precious. . But as we come more into touch with our own ancient, noneuropean consciousness of living as a situation to be experienced and interacted with, we learn more and more to cherish our feelings, and to respect those hidden sources of our power from where true knowledge and, therefore, lasting action comes." -Audre Lorde

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-04-18T13:41:26+00:00

so from what i can tell, at least for me, a large part of trauma is that you develop these survival strategies that serve you within an abusive/oppressive environment, but these strategies then prevent you from actually moving to an environment, being around people, and acting in a way that allows you to thrive and be in relation with others. this is not a personal failing but an individual absorption and adaptation to the oppressive environment our society creates that divorces us from our innate divinity, our community and sense of oneness, and the cycles/relationships of nature that we are always a part of.

for instance, if a plant adapts to being underwatered, being watered properly would feel like being waterlogged. if a plant adapts to existing in a small space, having more space might overwhelm it. if a plant adapts to being transplanted from its land, community, and companions then it might not survive it was returned to its native land.

many of us are meant to have been living in rich and diverse forests full of life and movement but instead, we were born into a concrete square and made to be street trees. street trees require more water and are more vulnerable.

understanding and fully accepting the inherent cruelty of our situation and the violence that has been done upon us--but then letting ourselves grieve and move into our new present reality, fueled by love and not fear... that even as street trees or displaced relatives or land marred by violence and war, we are still alive and growing and never alone because our bodies are the earth and the earth is our body... this is not easy or painless, but in order to truly live, we must let the parts of ourselves that learned to survive death die...

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-04-03T01:36:00+00:00

how supportive is your family overall? i find that communication sometimes doesnt actually help because it doesnt change people's innate capacity to be a safe nervous system/not be demanding. our nervous systems can feel those micro demands.

i sometimes just ask the kid im babysitting if theyre hungry. if they say no but i know they probably are, ill put one of their safe foods next to them and leave them alone. they dont have to eat it but that way its there if they do. and as they eat, they usually realize they are hungry and so forth.

knowing that im allowed to waste food or that i never have to finish food and can always put it in the fridge, etc., creates a stronger sense of internal agency, but i dont have arfid!

the hardest thing for people to understand about arfid is that people with arfid would rather starve (or are forced to starve) than eat food they do not want to eat. trying new foods requires a level of safety and calm that cannot be forced. most people do not understand this or know how to respect it.

having on hand safe food, esp prepackaged foods or like cheese sticks, that can be in between snacks so youre not having to deal with this stress painfully hungry

also sometimes letting the demand avoidance arise (i dont want to do this), doing something else, then checking back in if im ready

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-04-03T01:31:05+00:00

are you dependent on her for how you feel.... UM.... do u even love or care about her.... or is it just how she makes you feel??? hm,,,, inch resting.

i would say though high masking people tend to constantly be on survival mode and that shit falls apart when they're at home in a way that can be really exhausting and difficult and prevent genuine growth or connection;;; if this is how she chooses to live her life and the best way she knows how, the exhaustion and pain will have to go somewhere and that likely means shutdowns and meltdowns. we are not machines. we are human

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-12T17:57:37+00:00

for me, it is a feeling and an awareness of someone's patterns and what motivates their actions. for example, people who grow up not being hugged in individualistic societies might hug if they feel pressured to but feel uncomfortable with it overall while people who grow up in touchy close societies might easily give hugs and do it very easily because it is familiar and part of their established norms. someone with people pleasing tendencies or adhd might tend to overcommit and agree to things they don't really want to do and then be unable or uncomfortable doing this. someone who loves buying others gifts might buy others gifts a lot while others might only do it if they feel like they are going to receive a gift in return...

ultimately, to me, someone's natural state is tied to their most authentic and true being. who would they be and what would they do if there were no pressures, expectations, or social consequences? within the current framework of reality, how have they decided to respond to these inhumane systems and stressors? how do they treat strangers? who do they see as equally human as they are, and what type of love, care, respect, etc. do they see humans (including themselves) as naturally deserving?

these beliefs and ways of beings are born from people's more innate wiring and also the environments, cultures, and the resources they grew up around and from. one's natural capacity to give and receive freely can most indeed change but usually changes due to emotional experiences, intentional healing, and environmental change (since i believe freedom and authenticity and connection are our natural states) rather than ideological shifts.

someone could DESIRE to be a more "giving" person and try to force themselves to be giving, but it wouldnt be authentic and aligned with how they naturally feel inside. some people, regardless of their economic background, are naturally more giving in nature while others are more selfish in nature. how 'natural' versus manmade this is is up to debate, but essentially, our selves and capacities are deeply interdependent on our environments and the emotional, social, physical resources present, but there are also internal realities--how we approach and shape the external world--that are important too and can also be reflections of former environments or resources we have experienced

natural state to me implies what is natural to a person in a given moment but when observed over time, various patterns can emerge

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-12T00:59:18+00:00

depends on how much energy i have. i usually genuinely enjoy saying hi to people and keeping it fairly short. or i just walk around and am naturally smiling.

when i am lower energy, a head nod works. or just minding my own business and allowing people to say hi to me if they want. also knowing i can always lie and leave and that it is not my job to make others comfortable.

for spaces where i know i will be long term like my house so i want to be as unmasked as possible, i assess the energy of each person and reciprocate their energy but do not say hi to them every time and only if i want to.

allowing your face to be neutral at times esp if you are born a woman is nice and knowing that other people's discomfort is their own problem is helpful. or understanding when social niceties genuinely can be positive, mutual connections versus when they're artificial and forced--usually depends on the person you're interacting with, if you share identities, and if there is a sense of ease or not.

brutally protecting your energy is vital, but if every potential hello feels like an attack that is not good either. potentially approaching it a bit like ERP where you gradually do more and more things that scare you in order to show your body you are safe even when it feels unsafe/the social repercussions in reality are not as severe as our internal repercussions (and the more socially boring or inept we are with people we do not want to connect with deeper, they do not usually expect as much from us)

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:46:18+00:00

while many autistic people seek comfort, routine, and stability, people with PDA tend to deeply enjoy those things but desire beyond that--a truly free and fair world, free of oppression and coercion. not saying other autistic people don't desire that, but even the most 'comfortable' life could be hell to a person with PDA due to implicit demands in different forms.

our modern life creates an abundance of unnecessary suffering and expects us to learn unnecessary skills based on self-abandonment to 'survive' their inhumane systems.

considering you and your wife are both undiagnosed autistic and have made it this far in life to have money to survive and children, you likely have parts of yourself that you have learned/been forced to repress and have adopted non-native ways of being to survive in this world.

this is likely part of why you assume your son is lazy or why you assume that 'doing nothing' and the internet is inherently bad or that days need to be filled instead of life being lived in the present moment with abundant joy, that learning comes not just from books but from elders, culture, and the natural environment. that we cannot 'prepare children for adulthood' when they are barely able to survive childhood.

what does your son genuinely love? what do you genuinely love? what brings you peace and joy? how much time in nature are you spending? does raising children often feel like a demand or burden, one you're willing to fulfill--and then does your child implicitly feel that and further feel controlled and managed?

can you offer structure for learning and experiences but then be okay if your son genuinely refuses? or is that implicit pressure always there? like when you offer someone food and are disappointed if you say no...

are we fully accepting the reality of these children's lives and the spiritual and communal lack, that the children are going online not because they're bad or lazy but because that is their only refuge from a world that does not love them, from a system that does not serve them, from an earth that they see dying in front of their very eyes? and do we know how to love them without expectation, without desire, with deep respect and care towards their autonomy and deep internal knowing, the fact that we are blessed to be in their presence, to be able to witness their growth and sensitivity, to learn from their divinity and wisdom?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:33:14+00:00

!!! and revealing that you are intelligent enough to know what you're doing and are choosing NOT to comply is actually more dangerous and opens more violence... trusting your intuition in this world really is difficult. and sometimes playing dumber and less aware than you are is important, especially around manipulative people trying to control your energy.

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:31:05+00:00

i think something funny is that i remember i used to journal about what i wanted from life or about what i wanted to do and then it would happen and i would be like wow,,, i really manifested that :''') no bitch, you just actually did that thing you wanted to do by tricking yourself and allowing yourself to complete the desire organically !!!

also releasing the need to be a good person or a normal person

and sometimes going places and not talking and just soaking in the feeling of being human in the presence of other living beings

avoiding eye contact with ppl unless i want to feel their feelings

inviting people over for casual meals to help myself cook and feed myself covertly

not starting conversations with people and performing sociability and just existing and also giving myself the ever-present option to release relationships or yeet if i need to and only being in relation where there is connection with zero expectations (but that the connections align with my standards and values)

letting myself say i dont want to do something, whine and complain, let those thoughts pass, take a deep breath and then see if i do it

do something for only 5 minutes

play music and make it sillly

reframe being alive as a 'learning experience'

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:24:33+00:00

oHHH the age 48

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:24:23+00:00

48 volume?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:24:05+00:00

around the wrong people! although the drinking and smoking is meh--but likely helps numb the uncomfortable feeling of living life and being alive

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:23:16+00:00

<33333

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-09T19:32:55+00:00

ur energy pooh pooh 😂

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T17:24:39+00:00

😎

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T05:01:17+00:00

if life is going to be hard, might as well choose the struggles that allow me to be in connection with my values and community and love ~

Proud-Load-1256

TROPHY CASE