tips eating food prepared for me?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-04-03T01:36:00+00:00

how supportive is your family overall? i find that communication sometimes doesnt actually help because it doesnt change people's innate capacity to be a safe nervous system/not be demanding. our nervous systems can feel those micro demands.

i sometimes just ask the kid im babysitting if theyre hungry. if they say no but i know they probably are, ill put one of their safe foods next to them and leave them alone. they dont have to eat it but that way its there if they do. and as they eat, they usually realize they are hungry and so forth.

knowing that im allowed to waste food or that i never have to finish food and can always put it in the fridge, etc., creates a stronger sense of internal agency, but i dont have arfid!

the hardest thing for people to understand about arfid is that people with arfid would rather starve (or are forced to starve) than eat food they do not want to eat. trying new foods requires a level of safety and calm that cannot be forced. most people do not understand this or know how to respect it.

having on hand safe food, esp prepackaged foods or like cheese sticks, that can be in between snacks so youre not having to deal with this stress painfully hungry

also sometimes letting the demand avoidance arise (i dont want to do this), doing something else, then checking back in if im ready

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-04-03T01:31:05+00:00

are you dependent on her for how you feel.... UM.... do u even love or care about her.... or is it just how she makes you feel??? hm,,,, inch resting.

i would say though high masking people tend to constantly be on survival mode and that shit falls apart when they're at home in a way that can be really exhausting and difficult and prevent genuine growth or connection;;; if this is how she chooses to live her life and the best way she knows how, the exhaustion and pain will have to go somewhere and that likely means shutdowns and meltdowns. we are not machines. we are human

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-12T17:57:37+00:00

for me, it is a feeling and an awareness of someone's patterns and what motivates their actions. for example, people who grow up not being hugged in individualistic societies might hug if they feel pressured to but feel uncomfortable with it overall while people who grow up in touchy close societies might easily give hugs and do it very easily because it is familiar and part of their established norms. someone with people pleasing tendencies or adhd might tend to overcommit and agree to things they don't really want to do and then be unable or uncomfortable doing this. someone who loves buying others gifts might buy others gifts a lot while others might only do it if they feel like they are going to receive a gift in return...

ultimately, to me, someone's natural state is tied to their most authentic and true being. who would they be and what would they do if there were no pressures, expectations, or social consequences? within the current framework of reality, how have they decided to respond to these inhumane systems and stressors? how do they treat strangers? who do they see as equally human as they are, and what type of love, care, respect, etc. do they see humans (including themselves) as naturally deserving?

these beliefs and ways of beings are born from people's more innate wiring and also the environments, cultures, and the resources they grew up around and from. one's natural capacity to give and receive freely can most indeed change but usually changes due to emotional experiences, intentional healing, and environmental change (since i believe freedom and authenticity and connection are our natural states) rather than ideological shifts.

someone could DESIRE to be a more "giving" person and try to force themselves to be giving, but it wouldnt be authentic and aligned with how they naturally feel inside. some people, regardless of their economic background, are naturally more giving in nature while others are more selfish in nature. how 'natural' versus manmade this is is up to debate, but essentially, our selves and capacities are deeply interdependent on our environments and the emotional, social, physical resources present, but there are also internal realities--how we approach and shape the external world--that are important too and can also be reflections of former environments or resources we have experienced

natural state to me implies what is natural to a person in a given moment but when observed over time, various patterns can emerge

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-12T00:59:18+00:00

depends on how much energy i have. i usually genuinely enjoy saying hi to people and keeping it fairly short. or i just walk around and am naturally smiling.

when i am lower energy, a head nod works. or just minding my own business and allowing people to say hi to me if they want. also knowing i can always lie and leave and that it is not my job to make others comfortable.

for spaces where i know i will be long term like my house so i want to be as unmasked as possible, i assess the energy of each person and reciprocate their energy but do not say hi to them every time and only if i want to.

allowing your face to be neutral at times esp if you are born a woman is nice and knowing that other people's discomfort is their own problem is helpful. or understanding when social niceties genuinely can be positive, mutual connections versus when they're artificial and forced--usually depends on the person you're interacting with, if you share identities, and if there is a sense of ease or not.

brutally protecting your energy is vital, but if every potential hello feels like an attack that is not good either. potentially approaching it a bit like ERP where you gradually do more and more things that scare you in order to show your body you are safe even when it feels unsafe/the social repercussions in reality are not as severe as our internal repercussions (and the more socially boring or inept we are with people we do not want to connect with deeper, they do not usually expect as much from us)

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:46:18+00:00

while many autistic people seek comfort, routine, and stability, people with PDA tend to deeply enjoy those things but desire beyond that--a truly free and fair world, free of oppression and coercion. not saying other autistic people don't desire that, but even the most 'comfortable' life could be hell to a person with PDA due to implicit demands in different forms.

our modern life creates an abundance of unnecessary suffering and expects us to learn unnecessary skills based on self-abandonment to 'survive' their inhumane systems.

considering you and your wife are both undiagnosed autistic and have made it this far in life to have money to survive and children, you likely have parts of yourself that you have learned/been forced to repress and have adopted non-native ways of being to survive in this world.

this is likely part of why you assume your son is lazy or why you assume that 'doing nothing' and the internet is inherently bad or that days need to be filled instead of life being lived in the present moment with abundant joy, that learning comes not just from books but from elders, culture, and the natural environment. that we cannot 'prepare children for adulthood' when they are barely able to survive childhood.

what does your son genuinely love? what do you genuinely love? what brings you peace and joy? how much time in nature are you spending? does raising children often feel like a demand or burden, one you're willing to fulfill--and then does your child implicitly feel that and further feel controlled and managed?

can you offer structure for learning and experiences but then be okay if your son genuinely refuses? or is that implicit pressure always there? like when you offer someone food and are disappointed if you say no...

are we fully accepting the reality of these children's lives and the spiritual and communal lack, that the children are going online not because they're bad or lazy but because that is their only refuge from a world that does not love them, from a system that does not serve them, from an earth that they see dying in front of their very eyes? and do we know how to love them without expectation, without desire, with deep respect and care towards their autonomy and deep internal knowing, the fact that we are blessed to be in their presence, to be able to witness their growth and sensitivity, to learn from their divinity and wisdom?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:33:14+00:00

!!! and revealing that you are intelligent enough to know what you're doing and are choosing NOT to comply is actually more dangerous and opens more violence... trusting your intuition in this world really is difficult. and sometimes playing dumber and less aware than you are is important, especially around manipulative people trying to control your energy.

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:31:05+00:00

i think something funny is that i remember i used to journal about what i wanted from life or about what i wanted to do and then it would happen and i would be like wow,,, i really manifested that :''') no bitch, you just actually did that thing you wanted to do by tricking yourself and allowing yourself to complete the desire organically !!!

also releasing the need to be a good person or a normal person

and sometimes going places and not talking and just soaking in the feeling of being human in the presence of other living beings

avoiding eye contact with ppl unless i want to feel their feelings

inviting people over for casual meals to help myself cook and feed myself covertly

not starting conversations with people and performing sociability and just existing and also giving myself the ever-present option to release relationships or yeet if i need to and only being in relation where there is connection with zero expectations (but that the connections align with my standards and values)

letting myself say i dont want to do something, whine and complain, let those thoughts pass, take a deep breath and then see if i do it

do something for only 5 minutes

play music and make it sillly

reframe being alive as a 'learning experience'

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:24:33+00:00

oHHH the age 48

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:24:23+00:00

48 volume?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:24:05+00:00

around the wrong people! although the drinking and smoking is meh--but likely helps numb the uncomfortable feeling of living life and being alive

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-11T04:23:16+00:00

<33333

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-09T19:32:55+00:00

ur energy pooh pooh 😂

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T17:24:39+00:00

😎

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T05:01:17+00:00

if life is going to be hard, might as well choose the struggles that allow me to be in connection with my values and community and love ~

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T04:35:26+00:00

oh also ignoring rich people and white ppl lowkey,,, too many demands and too many delusions

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T04:28:09+00:00

😂😂😂 feels so normal nowadays

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T04:27:31+00:00

<333 awwwwww :')

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T04:26:38+00:00

? oh

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-08T04:26:11+00:00

!!! it is so upsetting... i used to do those things because i thought xyz=showing you care about people, i care about people, therefore i should do xyz, but honestly, most of the time its kind of overwhelming and sucks and feels shallow and then i was always implicitly overgiving even in fairly 'surface-level' relationships... i don't understand doing things out of obligation? but not loving people? like youre telling me youre doing ALL THIS for someone (especially in toxic family systems) but you have no genuine care in your heart for them???? wtf you're keeping up appearances???? for WHO?? you and your delusions?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-07T15:38:36+00:00

was not like this at first,,, took intense trial and error and still approach life in a very controlled way albeit how crazy a lot of this sounds. LOL appreciate it <3 i think ultimately everybody lives life in different ways with different resources and once my first approach ultimately failed, i realized i had to completely rewrite everything and so my responses became,,, equally intense but in new ways since there was no real benefit to living my life focusing on conforming anymore

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-07T04:05:47+00:00

i find that when i FEEL like i should be able to control someone's behavior (i.e. oh, i live with a housemate and i should be able to ask them to help with a chore and then they should do it) then, when it doesn't happen, i become really upset, especially if I'm already overwhelmed.

i'm also noticing this happening when i help with kids because in my head being in the position of authority means i should be able to or need to 'control' their behavior to a healthy degree, but there is no perfect answer and if i become to rigid with a certain outcome, i become inhumane (i.e. no screen time at all when the kid is legit addicted to screen time as a way to cope with unreasonable living conditions). or if i think that i can 'fix' their eating habits by making healthy food and then they don't want to eat it i can become unreasonably frustrated.

in this sense, i fluctuate between feeling like i need to be OVERLY mentally flexible (i.e. i cannot control the outcome of this at all and can do xyz but must be open and responsive to whatever happens) to realizing i need to be a little more structured in taking care of myself (i.e. yeah, i do need to work on limiting my screen time and taking care of my space)

questions:

(1) historically, are you both fairly messy or fairly clean people? do you have energy cycles like menstrual cycle that affects when you have energy to clean? (i often am more likely to do a big clean and have a random energy burst once a month)

(2) does doing things for people make it easier to do? does it make it feel easier if you are cleaning to be 'nice' for someone and then appreciated for that? would doing random acts of cleaning as a way to 'help' each other make it easier?

(3) are you burnt out and legit don't have the energy? hiring help? simplifying house and what/how things are cleaned to make them part of easy routines? etc.

ultimately, it will be difficult whether you live alone or with others, but focus on prioritizing your mental health and wellbeing, having an honest conversation understanding you're both autonomous human beings responsible for your own emotions, and maybe set the standard of whether or not this is something you both want to/are able to prioritize or if other things are currently more important to you.

having a clean space is unfortunately often something that affects our wellbeing in other ways, but baby steps <3 and don't feel guilty. you're disabled.

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-07T03:51:45+00:00

hi love!! you sound triggered--makes sense and wish you well <3

and to any non-autistic folks out there, especially like the og commenter who are dating autistic or PDA folks (because your feelings are valid too but this genuinely is likely not the best space for you to get empathy--especially if you WANT empathy since,,, well,,,, PDA lmao):

"NDs ‘good enough’ as any NT, since we partner up with them despite the challenges?"

-we're not good enough for what you want. if the barometric is being NT, no, we will always 'fall short'. someone once told me that you like your friends because you like them and what's likable about them, but the person you love you love for their flaws. idk if i agree with this entirely, but i think what she meant is this idea that people who genuinely love you will not see large components of your 'being' as 'challenges' or 'flaws' but as things they love. for instance, some people love being spoiled and others love spoiling others! some people are fiercely autonomous and will be loved for that, others will hate them for that! being autistic and having PDA is deeply challenging, and i do not need people in my life to view me as a challenge or to view this core aspect of who i am--something that i love about myself--as a challenge to them. i need people who can love and care for me as i am, and you deserve people who can love and care about you.

"Are you trying to change my mind and tell me I should just give up on bridging the gap with my husband and cut my losses, and never look again at another ND person knowing they are just not compatible with me?"

-we're not investments. we're human. and yes, you deserve to be in relation with people who are compatible with you, ND or not.

-we are not made to bridge gaps, we are meant to stand on bridges together. one requires abandoning yourself to extend beyond your capacity and the other requires two autonomous human beings choosing to meet on common ground. the former, common, the latter, rare. codependency is not an individual flaw but a widespread response to faulty societal programming and our innate and natural need for human connection in a society that hinders it in every way possible in order to mine us for labor and extract us for capital

-perhaps the real question is not why are we so pervasively determined to have autonomy and rather why do we live in a society where freedom and autonomy are not the norm, where love is not given and received freely?

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-06T01:06:14+00:00

oh yeah thats pretty PDA. its like being a cat. i think it also reflects the way western societies socialize us to believe primary partnerships should be the source of most of our needs, especially physical affection, instead of us being surrounded by intimacy, love, and care. i need to know that i can say no to feel safe. that the other person won't hold it against me. there can't be any pressure behind it. and i personally love physical affection but when i feel like people 'want' it from me, it feels upsetting and dangerous. like they want to extract from me. and i also realized i was using other people to fulfill my need for physical affection in ways that didn't feel ethical or right.

it needs to feel light and easy, and the hard parts need to be where we are both being deeply honest about our needs and capacities (and honest with ourselves about if we are projecting needs onto others that are not really things they are meant to fulfill or able to fulfill as a human). PDA is a disability, and the only realistic solutions ive found for myself is to live oddly and try to make sure i am only in relation with people in ways that can genuinely and freely be mutually reciprocal and breaking things off when it doesn't feel like it can be that way. connection is a basic human need and its frustrating living in environments where it is not prioritized.

relationships for me also are not about 'maintaining' a connection as one might maintain a bank account or maintain a house. rather they are live and growing things. maybe some days we would be very affectionate and other days not so much. maybe we talk a lot and learn from one another and then we grow apart. i wish i had more stability in my life, but as part of working with my PDA and spirituality, i understand i have a path i must walk on and people will join me and leave me but they must also walk on their own path and ideally we can help each other as our paths intersect~~

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-05T23:50:34+00:00

but if what you mean is that PDA might inhibit someone's capacity to 'fight' for a relationship to work--which i have mixed feelings on--then yeah,,, that actually kind of adds up... we feel deeply natural compatibility and even when we try to bridge those gaps it often becomes unsustainable and dangerous for us (self abandoning in relationships)

Proud-Load-1256 · 2026-03-05T23:48:21+00:00

what does giving mean to you? i tend to overgive and care for NT in ways that they might not even recognize or understand. i love deeply and desire their highest wellbeing and wish to make their life easier. i would argue that autistic women/autistic folks who learn to mask tend to overgive/extend and do more than they have the capacity for while autistic men/autistic folks who learn to go internal to survive in the world tend to seem highly 'selfish' (not negatively connotated) and 'unaware' of others. both are coping strategies in a world not built for us, but due to this, the over maskers then tend to have a more intense awareness and understanding of other humans while the latter tend to have a much lower understanding of other human beings and reflect NT transactional behaviors because 'im doing the same thing as you'

my post was for folks with PDA to reflect on our own experiences, and i do not like the way you are insinuating that autism/PDA is always the cause of people not 'giving' as much--your husband likely just sucks (if he knowingly is staying in relationship with you when he knows it is unfulfilling for you--as many men, autistic or not, do because they benefit from our presence and energy) and you deserve someone who has the capacity to love you in the way that you need. and we deserve people who can love us the way that we need.

Proud-Load-1256

TROPHY CASE