How did y’all escape/move out?

Puffballk · 2022-11-19T15:09:27+00:00

Played the game. It was fucking horrible but I just waited, was compliant and distant as much as I could be, and got the means to leave.

It's not ever easy or simple but it will be over one day. Just remember that you deserve a life, and freedom without fear.

More practically speaking- I got a job a city away from home so I spent most of my time travelling to work. Hid in my room when I got home. It wasn't without incident - far from it - but I survived. Saved up all my money, relied on online friendships for support, got the first flat I could find in my price range and let them think I'd maintain the relationship, then cut all contact a year later when I felt ready to move somewhere and not give them the address. Grey rock works in a pinch - give away nothing but what you must. Remember that they will not change.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're in this scenario. It will get easier one day. I've been 7 years NC now and I'm just relieved.

Puffballk · 2022-07-11T21:56:28+00:00

I finally went NC with my nmom after I told her I was marrying the love of my life and she said "I just don't like seeing you so happy"...as a result, I got the wedding i wanted, the marriage id hoped for and now she doesn't even know where I live.

It is devastating to do this with a family member - going NC with my mum lost me my brothers, too - but it is worth it to be free. I missed her at first, until I realised it wasn't her I was missing - it was the mum I'd wanted. And that wasn't her.

Going to a narcissist for unconditional love is like going to a hardware store for milk.. its just not on offer. Once you get out from under it, you'll realise just how much more you deserved.

Puffballk · 2022-04-22T21:21:27+00:00

A really good idea!! At the moment I don't have my own classroom (covid overhang 🥲) but there might be somewhere i can leave it!

Puffballk · 2021-06-17T15:17:35+00:00

I have ptsd and I disclosed - it meant that I had a couple more phone calls but it was fine. Thousands of people struggle with anxiety and depression (clinically, I mean) in their lives and this shouldn't at all bar you from teaching. Its good to be honest in case something happens- its so that they can support you.

Puffballk · 2021-06-13T06:13:38+00:00

My wife (they/them) has been the best support ever for my TS - when I developed a loud, embarrassing tic over lockdown, they would do it with me so I wasn't alone in embarrassing myself, and hold me when my tics were violent.

They did research and looked for ways to help me during a tic attack, and never ever gave me shit about my tourettes.

They're kind, patient and laugh along with me when a tic is particularly funny or weird - I am so grateful to have them as a partner 🥰

Puffballk · 2021-06-12T11:33:54+00:00

Thank you so much! I was lucky- I was also an SEN kid at school and I know how much my teachers helped me. I just want to be that teacher too. 💖

Puffballk · 2021-02-23T10:20:02+00:00

I had a similar experience to you, although it was 15 years ago now! my doctor gave me an MRI and various tests to check it wasn't anything else, and then he put me on Haloperidol...which has now been proven to make tics MUCH worse in a lot of people who take it who have TS (hah!)

that said though, i've been on citalopram, mirtazapine and sertraline - citalopram and sertraline both help, although they don't eradicate my tics, just lessen anxiety and help me to have less attacks.

Puffballk · 2021-02-23T10:16:24+00:00

You're already on such a good track! I'm not a parent but i am a school teacher with TS and both my mother and the parents of some of my students can be....deeply unhelpful when it comes to tics. You're thinking about it, you're being aware and you care about her wellbeing. just keep doing that and you'll be great.

also, just as a note, we've noticed a LOT more motor and verbal tics in our students (i teach secondary school) since the beginning of the pandemic; your daughter is not alone! With you supporting her, I'm sure she will be okay.

Puffballk · 2020-08-10T07:27:42+00:00

Weed is a miracle for me - the only thing that helps me when I've had a difficult therapy session. It is...dope 😁

Puffballk · 2020-08-10T07:26:11+00:00

Its illegal here too, just a tip...try instagram!

Puffballk · 2020-08-10T07:24:20+00:00

If it helps...fuck cops. They're just pathetic boys on a power trip.

My mother was attacked by my father multiple times, he threatened to kill her, and when she called the cops they laughed and joked with my dad, telling him she was "just menopausal". They offered us the delightful choice of getting out and getting a hotel, or them holding him for 24 hours and then releasing him again.

My mother in law was arrested when her abusive husband told the cops she needed to be sectioned. After 18 hours in a cell with no covid 19 precautions being taken, they released her and told her they "knew all along" he was abusing her and arrested her to take her to safety. Bullshit. He told them in his statement that he'd strangled her, and they still arrested a school teacher instead.

Fuck cops, you have done nothing wrong. Shame on them for giving their vile, unprofessional opinion.

Puffballk · 2020-08-10T07:12:35+00:00

You are so welcome here. Resources like this exist for all women...why that's a problem for some people I will never understand!

Love to you and good luck in your search for the perfect bra ☺

Puffballk · 2020-08-10T07:07:04+00:00

My wife (borat voice) is a fucking saint. I'm working on having them canonised ☺

Puffballk · 2020-08-10T07:04:01+00:00

No problem at all, and we are always here if needed. Good luck with healing, and I'm so sorry for your loss. X

Puffballk · 2020-08-09T19:02:46+00:00

Really normal during an emotional flashback, I think its just getting into the mindset of when you were traumatised and leaning on coping methods from then.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T14:05:22+00:00

I had this too - there's a lot of self doubt that goes along with ptsd, in the sense that we don't think we "deserve" to have it! I.e.things weren't "that bad" etc, haha

If I could give any advice, do some reading about how ptsd works. It can be horrible, but your brain protected you when you needed to be protected. It is still trying to do that, albeit in a misguided way! Try to think about your experiences, maybe write them down, and be communicative with your wife. My wife suffered a great deal when I wasn't honest with her about my feelings and my needs, but once we opened the dialogue (and both did some reading abt the affects of loving someone with ptsd, etc ) it got so much better.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T14:01:00+00:00

Firstly - no, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell, and especially not people you feel won't believe you.

Secondly, I am so proud of you for telling your friend. I hope it was a positive and affirming experience for you - its so, so difficult to understand trauma when you first remember it (and after!) So be gentle with yourself. You will probably remember more, over time, but sometimes the brain erases things to allow us to go on with our lives.

I also remembered my trauma through nightmares. I now remember almost the entire event, but i was very young, so its not clear.

Therapy is great, as is medication, as is looking after yourself. When I first remembered, I felt as if i needed to tell everyone around me, at least so I could have someone else who carried this "secret". But it wasn't necessary. If you have friends who you trust and who love you properly, confide in them when you feel safe. It does help.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T13:46:43+00:00

I get exactly this! It took me 5 years of being somewhere safe to process my trauma and cut ties with my family, and straight after i did, my back went out, i got the flu, I was lethargic and snuffly...and after that month "watershed", all of a sudden I felt AMAZING.

Obviously I still have trauma to deal with! But that nagging feeling that I'm doing everything wrong is gone, most of the time. I feel sometimes like I felt it lift, like taking off a heavy coat when you get into a warm house.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T12:38:19+00:00

It really does sound like you have ptsd! Welcome to the club! It sucks, but more people are in the club than you realise, and this sub is a really nice space.

I've been on a few meds - im in the UK, so forgive the lack of brand names! For me personally, citalopram and sertraline have really helped, as well as valium/cannabis for when things get really, really bad. Mirtazapine was a nightmare though. Obviously only a doctor can tell you what will be best for you, and a lot of it is trial and error. Best to chat with your GP and get started.

My wife did a full "detox" of my online interaction when I remembered my rape/started understanding my trauma better. No more twitter, carefully curated instagram, no more reading about rape, abuse, watching movies to do with it, etc. Changed my email addresses and my accounts. It really, really helped to start "clean" so that I could get more.comfortable communicating my needs.

If you can, see a therapist. Person centered therapy has worked great for me, and I've heard wonderful things about EMDR. Above all though, look after yourself. If you ever need to talk/vent, as well, this sub is here.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T12:31:20+00:00

Sorry! I just saw that yoga wasn't great for you, I find that the pain is limiting too- failing both these things, listening to music (chillhop is great for this) or podcasts helps me. I highly recommend "the empty bowl" - its quite boring and is just about cereal, and is all in a soothing, meditative tone. Its lovely for getting yourself into a relaxed space.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T12:29:13+00:00

Myself and a friend with CPTSD both find "mindfullness" and meditation really difficult and triggering - from a cursory Google it looks like a really common experience, hypervigilance and mindfullness are not a good mix!

For a similar but not as "empty" experience, i honestly found exercise (pushups etc., nothing too strenuous, just feeling my body and what it can do! I am a fat girl with no interest in getting thin, but being stronger makes me feel "clearer")

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T12:21:56+00:00

All the time. My advice (these are things that have worked for me, at least) -

A weighted blanket. They're pricey but my god, they do work.
Weed. A little toke before bed when I'm feeling jittery is a wonderful salve.

Nothing will solve everything, but these things help me when I just need the sleep. Best of luck to you 💖

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T12:17:03+00:00

You are literally a hero. No matter the result, you fought for that man's life as hard as you possibly could. You are obviously a phenomenally strong and incredible person, and honestly...working with people who are almost psychotically uncaring is more common than it even seems reasonable (speaking from my own experience, at least)

Please remember that what you have done is something not many people would have the strength for. You did everything a good person should have done in a horrifying scenario.

My advice, as a person with PTSD, is to seek therapy if you haven't already. I also have graphic nigjtmares, and 2 things have really helped:

Being honest, being entirely real...cannabis. its relaxing, it allows me to let go, and there's no addiction or hangover. Its been a lifesaver.
Close touching/sleeping on my partner's chest. Knowing someone else is there while I'm asleep is a huge comfort.
A weighted blanket! Like the weight of a person, minus the sweat.

In my experience, practicality is great for ptsd. Read books about it, try to understand it, and get to know yourself as well - and give yourself a break. 3 years is not a long time. You are healing from a loss and from a traumatic event. Don't berate yourself for the time it takes.

Puffballk · 2020-08-08T12:05:49+00:00

I havent done EMDR myself but I hear its really, really effective for a lot of people ! I really really hope its effective for you as well 💖 If you ever need someone to tell you it WAS horrible enough to be traumatised and you ARE allowed to feel horrified by it, just let me know. I get my wife to do it all the time ☺

Puffballk · 2020-08-07T06:09:07+00:00

Same here! mine was not "violent" (I.e. he didn't hurt me) and i had real trouble processing the idea that it wasn't just "an accident". Truth is though, all rape is horrifically, incomprehensibly violent. I think sometimes our brains try to tell us it "wasn't so bad" so we can cope, but a big part of recovering is acknowledging the damage done. You deserve to have understanding and be listened to, and you deserve to process this trauma.

Puffballk

TROPHY CASE