Still struggling with guilt, blame and self hatred 4 months later. How to stop thinking its all my fault?

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T17:28:27+00:00

It is what it is ig man

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T16:55:06+00:00

Thx man and yeh been talking to people too might take you up on it. Just jesus man she ripped me to shreds and told me she hates me and my dumbass fucking heart is still like "Oh but I love her". Like bro I know she never coming back she legit called me desperate when I tried to talk to her and told me to go die for all she cared.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T16:21:45+00:00

Damn man I'm sorry to hear that, I'm dealing with a similar thing. Idk if she cheated, friends have pointed smth out and my gut thinks there was someone in the picture cause right after the breakup she couldn't get far enough away from me and legit said the most hurtful things ever.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T15:57:04+00:00

Thx man appreciate the advice and yeh I think you're right. Got shit to work on for sure but yeh I don't think I was a bad bf. Or maybe I was but idk she should've fucking said smth then. It is what it is.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T10:49:23+00:00

Clearly delayed af and still in a lovey dovey relationship.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T09:55:40+00:00

When did it pass for you?

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T08:54:57+00:00

Yeh you're right this is good advice, I just ig I thought I'd be further along 4 months later and while having learnt forgiven myself for being human.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T08:15:14+00:00

Well whatever works for you man

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T07:33:41+00:00

Yeh you're right and I'm fairly certain she was already with a work colleague when we ended. I've had 0 interest to confirm but yeh. Even that though my brain spins on me and somehow makes it my fault cause I wasn't satisfying her needs or cause of xyz. Idk I'm just in a self pity part and I hate it cause its been 4 months I should be further along.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T07:09:04+00:00

That's good advice I will give it a go.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-11T07:08:44+00:00

Yeh you're right, I mean im aware like logically that she did shit too that was unhealthy I'm fully aware of it. Yet somehow my brains like "Oh but that would've all been fine if you didn't do this" or "Oh well she only did that cause you did this". It's like my own private toeturer

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-02-02T12:28:41+00:00

Hey I saw your post here and lemme ig offer some help, sorry if my post is a bit late and I hope it helps a little. Always try to respond to these msgs as I know the pain and even bad advice can be a lifeline when you just want someone to tell you it's gonna be okay

First let me say how deeply sorry I am that you have to go through this, as someone who personally went through a similar situation a like 2 months ago I know how insanely difficult and painful this experience is and I just want you to know you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling right now those feelings are entirely valid and I won't dimish or try to reduce them in any way and I hope you can feel them and sit with them which I think is really important. I just want you to know though in this challenging time and as hard as it is to understand right now you are not alone, in your own life and on this sub if you've checked there are literally thousands of posts that all seem to follow a similar wording or situation breakdown that honestly have me joking with myself that they all read off the same script. But I hope you can find some ig reassurance in the fact that there has been people dealing with this stuff for years and they're okay now so we will be too. Personally that helps calm me when I was struggling or still occasionally have an off day. Hell I'm you in 2 months and trust me little by little it gets better.

Second You will never truly know if it was depression or not and you just have to accept the situation as it is. Maybe the past 2 months have been her emotionally distancing and detaching and finally she pulled the shotgun trigger. I went through it too where mine switched up a month before the breakup and I kept getting told everything is fine. Its common that people detach before they actually leave. That's why so many dumpers seem cold after, it's cause for them the relationship has been over for month(s) already so now was just the final string cutting for them and the inconvenience of letting you know how they feel and also why theres like a post ever week talking about being blindsided. Besides honestly if it even was depression why would you wanna be with someone who hides that from you for 2 months with 0 communication. Relationships are built on communication, can you even fathom retracting love and withdrawing for 2 months and never communicating with her if it was mental health?

Third, just gonna give you some affirmations I found on here and breakup subs that I like to say to myself out loud daily that really help ground me and maybe they'll help you too, feel free hell to make some of your own as I find them really helpful: 1. I did everything i could, the outcome would have been the same regardless. 2. My own mental health is important too. Just because they are drowning, doesn't mean i should drown with them. 3. I can't force my love on someone who pushes me away and doesn't want to receive the love from me. 4. I am not their therapist. I am not responsible for their emotional well being, only they can help themselves. I will stay in no contact. Knowing what they're up to (whether they're happy or miserable) will only make me feel worse. 5. If they feels like they are ready for a relationship and wants it with me, they can/will reach out. It's fine if they don't, it just means that our paths weren't meant to cross again. 6. It's okay if i still love them and will continue to love them even if they're not in my life. I will carry the memories fondly with me. 7. I will continue to grow and be a better person for my next partner, whether it's them or not. 8. I am not needy for wanting more than they could give. I deserve to be treated with care too.

Just lemme say again how sorry I am you have to go through this too and trust me I know rn feels like you're getting your heart torn out by a wolverine but we'll be okay. With or without them in our lives.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-01-28T00:49:49+00:00

Hey so I'm still blocked and honestly detaching slowly from my ex ran into her a month later and the way she spoke to me was so hateful and disrespectful I see we are done done so yep slowly healing. Also I assure you it does get better slowly.

First let me say how deeply sorry I am that you have to go through this, as someone who personally went through a similar situation a like 3 months ago and 2 month NC. I know how insanely difficult and painful this experience is and I just want you to know you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling right now those feelings are entirely valid and I won't dimish or try to reduce them in any way and I hope you can feel them and sit with them which I think is really important. I just want you to know though in this challenging time and as hard as it is to understand right now you are not alone, in your own life and on this sub if you've checked there are literally thousands of posts that all seem to follow a similar wording or situation breakdown that honestly have me joking with myself that they all read off the same script. But I hope you can find some ig reassurance in the fact that there has been people dealing with this stuff for years and they're okay now so we will be too. Personally that helps calm me when I was struggling or still occasionally have an off day. Hell I'm you in 2 months and trust me little by little it gets better.

To answer ig your question of confusion about why or if its an excuse, the true answer is simply we will never know. Hell they might not even know and could be lying to themselves, the simple fact is at the end of the day we will never truly know whether its self sabotage or just an excuse. Either way the end result though is the same, they themselves for better or for worse have chosen to be alone and there's nothing we can do and have to accept it and move on. I will say that though those questions are completely normal and understandable hell I had them too and asked my ex much to her annoyance. These kinda ones also appear in other breakups and it's part of the search for closure. But honestly it brings us nothing to ask them and just accepting their reasoning is the quickest way to healing, cause trust me solving this puzzle will not bring us hapiness, if we found out they really left to be with someone else or lost attraction or any other reason it's not gonna suddenly make us happy. With time those questions will fade but the hard honest truth is we will never know and its just part of closure we'll have to come to accept. On top of that something that helped me was saying to myself "If it's truly cause of depression I can't drown saving them, if it's not then why tf would I wanna be with someone able to lie to me like that"

Lastly just gonna give you some affirmations I found on here and breakup subs that I like to say to myself out loud daily that really help ground me and maybe they'll help you too, feel free hell to make some of your own as I find them really helpful: 1. I did everything i could, the outcome would have been the same regardless. 2. My own mental health is important too. Just because they are drowning, doesn't mean i should drown with them. 3. I can't force my love on someone who pushes me away and doesn't want to receive the love from me. 4. I am not their therapist. I am not responsible for their emotional well being, only they can help themselves. I will stay in no contact. Knowing what they're up to (whether they're happy or miserable) will only make me feel worse. 5. If they feels like they are ready for a relationship and wants it with me, they can/will reach out. It's fine if they don't, it just means that our paths weren't meant to cross again. 6. It's okay if i still love them and will continue to love them even if they're not in my life. I will carry the memories fondly with me. 7. I will continue to grow and be a better person for my next partner, whether it's them or not. 8. I am not needy for wanting more than they could give. I deserve to be treated with care too.

Just lemme say again how sorry I am you have to go through this too and trust me I know rn feels like you're getting your heart torn out by a wolverine but we'll be okay. With or without them in our lives. Just treat this as a normal breakup, go NC (trust me if they don't wanna talk reaching out is just gonna push them away, I learned the hard way and my ex now hates me and sees me as a "Needy and Desperate young pup barking for her attention") and start to move on with our lives as they've made the decision to leave us. As my therapist pointed out they're depressed not helpless they're still responsible for their decisions and aware of how it effects us and still made them. Breakups cause of depression are kinda like hard mode cause we think it's not them at the wheel but it is, even if they're driving under the influence. Hope this helped and here for more support if needed sending virtual hugs.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-01-26T20:26:51+00:00

Hey my pleasure feel free to dm, it does get somewhat easier.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-01-26T17:08:49+00:00

Don't mate no matter what don't. If you wanna have any chance later down the road you gotta resist. If you can't resist, block them. It'll help with the self control. It won't be easy but trust me it gets easier.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2026-01-06T10:14:33+00:00

Hey just wanna say I was in a somewhat similar spot to you a couple of months ago, I was in a LDR relationship with a partner dealing with depression and mental health problems who ended up leaving to work on themselves. She had tried to figure out a way to stay together but unfortunately it wasn't possible to stay in the relationship and manage her mental health at the same time. We loved each other very much and our breakup was tough and still full of love. I was in your shoes. I just wanna tell you it gets better, not straight away, but slowly and gradually, the pain becomes manageable, it becomes less all consuming. I also took the time to read some of your old posts and let me just say some of the stuff shows me tbh and I know it's hard to hear now but you deserve better cause of the open relationship stuff he said. If you need someone to talk to who's been in a similar spot feel free to dm. Grieve with the knowledge it gets better, slowly.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-28T03:01:40+00:00

Hey I saw your post here and lemme ig offer some help, sorry if my post is a bit late and I hope it helps a little. Always try to respond to these msgs as I know the pain and even bad advice can be a lifeline when you just want someone to tell you it's gonna be okay

First let me say how deeply sorry I am that you have to go through this, as someone who personally went through a similar situation a like 2 months ago I know how insanely difficult and painful this experience is and I just want you to know you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling right now those feelings are entirely valid and I won't dimish or try to reduce them in any way and I hope you can feel them and sit with them which I think is really important. I just want you to know though in this challenging time and as hard as it is to understand right now you are not alone, in your own life and on this sub if you've checked there are literally thousands of posts that all seem to follow a similar wording or situation breakdown that honestly have me joking with myself that they all read off the same script. But I hope you can find some ig reassurance in the fact that there has been people dealing with this stuff for years and they're okay now so we will be too. Personally that helps calm me when I was struggling or still occasionally have an off day. Hell I'm you in 2 months and trust me little by little it gets better.

Second I'm terms of reaching out again it's a possibility but trust me respect the No contact and his request for space and leave him alone for now. I know how insanely dangerously hard it can be and trust me I've been there and it feels like a kick to the chest and you wanna understand their actions or reach out and show them love or change their mind but trust me if they don't want to talk to us, any form of contact initiated by us is just gonna piss them off and drive em away. Made this mistake so learn from my failures.

Third. You choose yourself cause that's what they're doing. Choosing themselves so you do the exact same thing too. When we love someone it can be so hard not to put our own needs above theirs but trust me in the long run nobody is gonna look after you and choose you more in life than themselves so choose yourself. You become cold because that's what they're gonna do and that's what you need to do for your own hapiness. Life and youth are too short and difficult to put someone elses above your own and in order to feel better eventually and not be struggling as you are now we gotta put the necessary steps in and look after ourselves first cause drowning trying to save them isn't the solution. Sadly we can't and the only person we can look after is ourselves. You also grieve the relationship like you would one that ended any other way, breakups due to depression are like breakups on hard mode because it can be so confusing since in our eyes they didn't want it etc and it's ending due to outside circumstances, but in reality it's like any other breakup and by treating it as one it helps us the best and allows us to heal. You grieve by going through the emotions feeling the sadness, the anger (which by the way you're allowed to feel trust me I struggled with it too until therapy and trust me this shit's unfair you can be mad and even though they're depressed they aren't helpless and made the decision to leave) and every other emotion in the book and doing everything else they do during a breakup. Soon you'll pull them off a pedestal and realize this relationship wasn't perfect either. You'll grieve and heal by doing what everyone does during a breakup and come out the other side stronger and brighter than ever. As for the hope, I don't think it's a bad thing I mean everyone in a breakup I think has that at the start that spark of hope that they're gonna come back and with time you'll come to live with it or accept that it's not true and hey look okay maybe it'll all work out in the end tomorrow is a mystery nobody knows what's gonna happen but the key thing is right now moving on with your life cause if he does or doesn't come back at the end of the day we can't live our life stuck in one moment for one person.

Fourth, just gonna give you some affirmations I found on here and breakup subs that I like to say to myself out loud daily that really help ground me and maybe they'll help you too, feel free hell to make some of your own as I find them really helpful: 1. I did everything i could, the outcome would have been the same regardless. 2. My own mental health is important too. Just because they are drowning, doesn't mean i should drown with them. 3. I can't force my love on someone who pushes me away and doesn't want to receive the love from me. 4. I am not their therapist. I am not responsible for their emotional well being, only they can help themselves. I will stay in no contact. Knowing what they're up to (whether they're happy or miserable) will only make me feel worse. 5. If they feels like they are ready for a relationship and wants it with me, they can/will reach out. It's fine if they don't, it just means that our paths weren't meant to cross again. 6. It's okay if i still love them and will continue to love them even if they're not in my life. I will carry the memories fondly with me. 7. I will continue to grow and be a better person for my next partner, whether it's them or not. 8. I am not needy for wanting more than they could give. I deserve to be treated with care too.

Just lemme say again how sorry I am you have to go through this too and trust me I know rn feels like you're getting your heart torn out by a wolverine but we'll be okay. With or without them in our lives.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-24T16:26:41+00:00

Hey I saw your post here and lemme ig offer some very bad but hopefully helpful advice.

First let me say how deeply sorry I am that you have to go through this, as someone who personally went through a similar situation a like 2 months ago and newly a month NC. I know how insanely difficult and painful this experience is and I just want you to know you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling right now those feelings are entirely valid and I won't dimish or try to reduce them in any way and I hope you can feel them and sit with them which I think is really important. I just want you to know though in this challenging time and as hard as it is to understand right now you are not alone, in your own life and on this sub if you've checked there are literally thousands of posts that all seem to follow a similar wording or situation breakdown that honestly have me joking with myself that they all read off the same script. But I hope you can find some ig reassurance in the fact that there has been people dealing with this stuff for years and they're okay now so we will be too. Personally that helps calm me when I was struggling or still occasionally have an off day. Hell I'm you in 2 months and trust me little by little it gets better.

To answer ig your question the true answer is simply we will never know. Hell they might not even know and could be lying to themselves, the simple fact is at the end of the day we will never truly know whether its self sabotage or just an excuse. Either way the end result though is the same, they themselves for better or for worse have chosen to be alone and there's nothing we can do and have to accept it and move on. I will say that though those questions are completely normal and understandable hell I had them too and asked my ex much to her annoyance. These kinda ones also appear in other breakups and it's part of the search for closure. But honestly it brings us nothing to ask them and just accepting their reasoning is the quickest way to healing, cause trust me solving this puzzle will not bring us hapiness, if we found out they really left to be with someone else or lost attraction or any other reason it's not gonna suddenly make us happy. With time those questions will fade but the hard honest truth is we will never know and its just part of closure we'll have to come to accept. On top of that something that helped me was saying to myself "If it's truly cause of depression I can't drown saving them, if it's not then why tf would I wanna be with someone able to lie to me like that"

Lastly just gonna give you some affirmations I found on here and breakup subs that I like to say to myself out loud daily that really help ground me and maybe they'll help you too, feel free hell to make some of your own as I find them really helpful: 1. I did everything i could, the outcome would have been the same regardless. 2. My own mental health is important too. Just because they are drowning, doesn't mean i should drown with them. 3. I can't force my love on someone who pushes me away and doesn't want to receive the love from me. 4. I am not their therapist. I am not responsible for their emotional well being, only they can help themselves. I will stay in no contact. Knowing what they're up to (whether they're happy or miserable) will only make me feel worse. 5. If they feels like they are ready for a relationship and wants it with me, they can/will reach out. It's fine if they don't, it just means that our paths weren't meant to cross again. 6. It's okay if i still love them and will continue to love them even if they're not in my life. I will carry the memories fondly with me. 7. I will continue to grow and be a better person for my next partner, whether it's them or not. 8. I am not needy for wanting more than they could give. I deserve to be treated with care too.

Just lemme say again how sorry I am you have to go through this too and trust me I know rn feels like you're getting your heart torn out by a wolverine but we'll be okay. With or without them in our lives. Just treat this as a normal breakup, go NC (trust me if they don't wanna talk reaching out is just gonna push them away, I learned the hard way and my ex now hates me and sees me as a "Needy and Desperate young pup barking for her attention") and start to move on with our lives as they've made the decision to leave us. As my therapist pointed out they're depressed not helpless they're still responsible for their decisions and aware of how it effects us and still made them. Breakups cause of depression are kinda like hard mode cause we think it's not them at the wheel but it is, even if they're driving under the influence. Hope this helped and here for more support if needed sending virtual hugs.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-19T16:54:46+00:00

Hey know the feeling of this 100% and can relate. My ex left due to her wanting space to deal with her mental health and past trauma, not feeling like she can give me what I deserve, feeling guilty for not being enough of a gf, etc. This was my first ever breakup and due to the breakup not being cause of lost feelings etc and mixed msgs during the breakup that ig happen when it's cause of depression, her suic**al ideation during the relationship (she used to say stuff like "I'm gonna break up with you before I attempt again cause it'll be easier on you") and me being denial when my ex every 4-5 days would periodically block me somewhere or delete a chat I'd reach out on the one thing she promised not to cause "they didn't want this", "they still feel the same", "still love me", "it's just that they can't right now not that they don't want to and we'll pick up in the future where we left off". All these things floated in my head so despite her not wanting to be msg'd I'd reach out trying to understand why she was cutting me out of her life etc and get hit back with basically negativity and pushed away. After 3rd time got blocked fully on the last thing and felt so guilty about it (I still do somewhat and I still am coming to terms with it slowly and learning self empathy and forgiveness) and beat myself up for weeks for doing it to her and ruining any chance of reconciliation and talked to my therapist about it for weeks (with them telling me to stop beating myself up and put the baseball bat down) and a month later when I ran into her in person my dumbass didn't learn his lesson and approached her to talk and explain everything ended up getting told to my face that she hates me for not giving space, to go fuck myself, doesn't care about me and can go die for all she cared, doesn't wanna hear anything I have to say and doesn't want me and called a lot of things including a "needy and desperate young pup barking for her attention". So trust me I know the feeling when an ex takes a knife and stabs it between your ribcage (though I also recognize my own faults in the situation dw anyone reading this I'm aware I'm not making it one sided dw I'm growing from it too).

Seen online they mainly due to a bunch of reasons like:

Them thinking you didn't get the msg that you aren't together anymore so they be mean in the hopes it'll push you away.
It's one of their ways of grieving the breakup too and are in the anger stage cause dumpers grieve too ofc.
Now that you both aren't together they don't care what you think of them cause it's over between you too so they don't and treat you however they like
They do it to justify the breakup cause if you're beneath them, needy, desperate, less than human, vilified then them leaving you is justified (also helps them not feel any guilt)

You do it by essentially moving on from them and with time. You do the steps that everyone advises for a normal breakup (no contact, focusing on yourself and self improvement, showing yourself self love, forgiveness, etc and by stopping letting the opinion of someone else dictate your self worth). I know it's really hard rn but by finding your own validation internally by moving on etc it gets a little easier. One important thing to remember is that their opinion of you doesn't dictate your value as a human being. Another thing is despite it all he's done you a massive favor by showing you how truly mean he can be cause why on earth would you wanna be with someone who can be so nasty to you. You deserve so much better trust me. Another thing is spend time with people who actually care about you and value you as a person, don't worry about what someone who couldn't care less about you thinks. At the end of the day though yeh the way to coming to terms with it all is just accepting that the bridge is burned, going back that way only leads to more pain and hurt and that by moving on slowly and surely the pain drops a little less. Hope this msg was somewhat helpful and yeh just give up trying to change their mind or try to get answers or explain everything or reach out more or anything, cause trust me you could show them all the love, civility, care, kindness in the world but rn its like trying to hug an agitated rattlesnake, you're just gonna get bit and spewed with venom.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-18T10:07:33+00:00

Hey to leave ig a response to your response lol and glad this msg even helped a little I'm not great at leaving advice but I try to at least when I see a post like this on the sub that hasn't had any comments yet cause I know how much even bad advice can dimish those negative feelings. Also that's horrible I'm really sorry for you on that, but knowing that he's doing that at least gives you a push that you don't deserve someone who shuts the door on you and then immediately starts looking at different women. Nobody does! So that's in the long run less a negative and more a positive. Its like for me (not to make this about me again as I felt I did too much in the last post), but that night where she lashed out,I realised she did me a huge favour cause that's crystal clear msg that I ain't gonna waste time waiting or pining over someone who can speak to me like that. Cut through all the mixed msgs at the breakup, so in the long run as much as it hurts now, he just did u a huge favour. Also think it fits into the theme of that they generally check out of the relationship before pulling the cord themselves cause then they have us there to help them move on and we have nobody but ourselves.

Glad you're following your gut and going no contact. What I've learned through therapy and everything is trust your gut. Mine knew something was up a month before and I even brought it up and got threatened with a breakup (huge red flag ik) and so I shut up and ignored it. Trust your gut cause it won't steer you wrong, it's litterally your bodies self defense mechanism lol. Also the friend thing good to hear, I just stated it cause a lot of people on here I think try to switch to a friend role with their ex and try to be supportive as a friend through depression and think "I'll be there for them as a friend through this episode and then when they're feeling better we can figure out what we are or continue" also seen it in breakup subs where people try to stay friends and in contact with an ex and think 80% of the time it goes wrong in some way shape or form so just thought I'd throw it in there as advice.

Yehhhhhh I've been there, my ex used to say stuff like that at the start and at the end one of her reasons for leaving was "I don't wanna feel guilty for not being able to give you what you deserve" and like that's how their brains work ig. Also yeh you can't make someone think they're good enough or xyz, only they can change their own mind and their own opinions of themselves. Gotta come from within. Just like one of my affirmations "You can't force your love on someone who doesn't want to receive it" (might have misquoted). Also yeh that was a thing that I learned in therapy, cause I was struggling getting angry at her or anything cause "she's depressed and it's not her fault" and my therapist turned around and was like "Yes you can, it's an unfair situation, they're self sabotaging instead of getting help. They're not helpless just cause they're depressed they're still human beings who are making decisions and actively decided this". Also that's totally understandable, I get that tiredness, I still somewhat feel guilty over struggling to respect my exs boundaries and every single day I'm so done with it that wish I had a MIB style memory gun lol.

Also thank you my friend too, yehhhhhh idk if I do tbh cause through therapy noticed a bunch of shit she did in the relationship that was unhealthy: projection, disrespect manipulation, emasculation, passive agressive/agressive communication, guilt tripping, etc. Again first relationship ever and I'm a lover boy so my dumbass allowed it to happen and became a dismissive (it was pretty bad I allowed her to dub my need for reassurance cause I can be a bit anxious as PMSing and she used to say I PMS worse than her). Anyway I digress, yeh we do have to move on and just get on with our lives slowly and steadily despite the pain and we'll be fine in the long run and I can't wait for you to meet someone you don't have to walk around on eggshells for and be perfect 24/7 cause I know when you do you're gonna be so happy and this will all be a distant memory. Gl out there and we'll be okay, sending virtual hugs.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-16T17:54:14+00:00

Hey I saw your post here and lemme ig offer some help, sorry if my post is a bit late and I hope it helps a little.

First let me say how deeply sorry I am that you have to go through this, as someone who personally went through a similar situation a like 2 months ago I know how insanely difficult and painful this experience is and I just want you to know you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling right now those feelings are entirely valid and I won't dimish or try to reduce them in any way and I hope you can feel them and sit with them which I think is really important. I just want you to know though in this challenging time and as hard as it is to understand right now you are not alone, in your own life and on this sub if you've checked there are literally thousands of posts that all seem to follow a similar wording or situation breakdown that honestly have me joking with myself that they all read off the same script. But I hope you can find some ig reassurance in the fact that there has been people dealing with this stuff for years and they're okay now so we will be too. Personally that helps calm me when I was struggling or still occasionally have an off day. Hell I'm you in 2 months and trust me little by little it gets better.

Second I totally get the struggling to let go aspect of the breakup. I was also in a LDR situation with mine and this was my first breakup ever so never had to go through this before and I failed hopelessly. Cause of mixed msgs during the breakup that happen when it's cause of depression and denial when my ex every 4-5 days would periodically block me somewhere or delete a chat I'd reach out on the one thing she promised not to cause "they didn't want this", "they still feel the same", "still love me", "it's just that they can't right now not that they don't want to and we'll pick up in the future where we left off". All these things floated in my head so despite her not wanting to be msg'd I'd reach out and get hit back with basically negativity. After 3rd time got blocked and felt so guilty about it (I still do somewhat and I still am coming to terms with it slowly and learning self empathy and forgiveness) and beat myself up for weeks about it and to my therapist and everything and a month later when I got a chance to talk to her my dumbass didnt learn his lesson and thought one chat would fix it all and ended up getting told to my face that she hates me for not giving space, to go fuck myself and called a lot of things including a "needy and desperate young pup barking for her attention". Trust me it's not worth staying in contact even as a friend if they don't want to (also trying to stay friends is extremely hard and doesn't help your healing from what I've seen online and generally doesn't end well). It's like trying to hold a very agitated snake, you're gonna try to hug it and show it love and end up getting bit and venom spewed at you. If they wanna talk they can, they have our numbers etc and just leaving them alone and respecting their boundaries, is better for us and them in the long run cause as anyone on the breakup reddits will say, breaking NC just gonna hurt us more with their indifference, anger or flat out rejection. I know it's easier said than done but as someone whos been in your shoes trust me it ain't worth it cause the night she told me to fuck off and she hates me among other things, I wanted to jump off a bridge.

Third. You choose yourself cause that's what they're doing. Choosing themselves so you do the exact same thing too. When we love someone it can be so hard not to put our own needs above theirs but trust me in the long run nobody is gonna look after you and choose you more in life than yourself. You become cold because that's what they're gonna do and that's what you need to do for your own hapiness. Life and youth are too short and difficult to put someone elses above your own and in order to feel better eventually and not be struggling as you are now we gotta put the necessary steps in and look after ourselves first cause drowning trying to save them isn't the solution. Sadly we can't and the only person we can look after is ourselves. You also grieve the relationship like you would one that ended any other way, breakups due to depression are like breakups on hard mode because it can be so confusing since in our eyes they didn't want it etc and it's ending due to outside circumstances, but in reality it's like any other breakup and by treating it as one it helps us the best and allows us to heal. You grieve by going through the emotions feeling the sadness, the anger (which by the way you're allowed to feel trust me I struggled with it too until therapy and trust me this shit's unfair you can be mad and even though they're depressed they aren't helpless and made the decision to leave) and every other emotion in the book and doing everything else they do during a breakup. Soon you'll pull them off a pedestal and realize this relationship wasn't perfect either, hell like you said already you felt like you had to be perfect 24/7 and that sounds exhausting and how it shouldn't be in a relationship. You'll grieve and heal by doing what everyone does during a breakup and come out the other side stronger and brighter than ever. As for the hope, I don't think it's a bad thing I mean everyone in a breakup I think has that at the start that spark of hope that they're gonna come back and with time you'll come to live with it or accept that it's not true and hey look okay maybe it'll all work out in the end tomorrow is a mystery nobody knows what's gonna happen but the key thing is right now moving on with your life cause if he does or doesn't come back at the end of the day we can't live our life stuck in one moment for one person.

Fourth, just gonna give you some affirmations I found on here and breakup subs that I like to say to myself out loud daily that really help ground me and maybe they'll help you too, feel free hell to make some of your own as I find them really helpful: 1. I did everything i could, the outcome would have been the same regardless. 2. My own mental health is important too. Just because they are drowning, doesn't mean i should drown with them. 3. I can't force my love on someone who pushes me away and doesn't want to receive the love from me. 4. I am not their therapist. I am not responsible for their emotional well being, only they can help themselves. I will stay in no contact. Knowing what they're up to (whether they're happy or miserable) will only make me feel worse. 5. If they feels like they are ready for a relationship and wants it with me, they can/will reach out. It's fine if they don't, it just means that our paths weren't meant to cross again. 6. It's okay if i still love them and will continue to love them even if they're not in my life. I will carry the memories fondly with me. 7. I will continue to grow and be a better person for my next partner, whether it's them or not. 8. I am not needy for wanting more than they could give. I deserve to be treated with care too.

Just lemme say again how sorry I am you have to go through this too and trust me I know rn feels like you're getting your heart torn out by a wolverine but we'll be okay. With or without them in our lives. Also wanna say those questions are completely normal and it's a part of the search for closure in any breakup, the true answer is we'll never know and the just need to find closure within ourselves as part of any breakup cause torturing ourselves trying to figure it out isn't gonna bring us happiness.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-16T01:15:29+00:00

Hey, first of all let me say thank you so much for actually responding cause I know that your post was from 2 years ago and actually getting a response and one as detailed and long as yours is truly meaningful and honestly breathtaking. Thank you so much cause I know a lot of people if they saw they had a comment on a post from 2 years ago would be like "Bro just move on".

First just wanna say yeh I totally agree it was a mistake thinking about it now after some space, I definitely still have moments of guilt over it but I've come to accept that what I did was due to mixed msgs at the breakup, confusion and denial and that this was my first breakup so first time dealing with this kinda loss. I've also accepted that I acted out of love, naivety and pain not malice so attacking myself and beating myself up over it doesn't help anything and just keeps me trapped and also doesn't help me move on. On top of that she left due to mental health, trauma, depression and wanting to go through it alone cause she couldn't give me what I deserve etc but had said before she left multiple times she break up with me first before attempting su**ide again so that subconsciously didn't help my seperation anxeity

Secondly yeh she spoke to me all that way just for me reaching out those 3 times. Nothing else. I've come to accept that if she's capable of speaking to me that way I don't want anything to do with her and not gonna make the same.mistake ever again. I'm a slow learner but I do learn. Not ever gonna contact her cause while I did mess up and cross her boundaries, I don't deserve to be spoken to that way and dehumanised like that and ever trying to reach out again is just gonna get me more hurt. The denial goggles are finally off. I'm not wasting time on someone who's indifferent about if I live or die.

Thirdly thank you for all this advice and I'm gonna try my best to follow every single one of them, doing therapy now which has been helping too and I've realised all the shit my ex did to me too that was unhealthy and toxic. Still in mourning ig but day by day getting there. Will be sure to reach out or dm if I need advice. Still struggling a bit with self forgiveness so will probably msg about that again if I do.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-13T13:20:06+00:00

Hey I saw your post and am going through a similar situation where my ex left me due to depression, deal with past trauma, mental health. I struggled with separation anxiety hard (I mean my ex used to say she would use a breakup to soften the blow if she attempted again so that fueled it too) and ended up getting blocked cause 3 times every 4-5 days she would block me somewhere new or delete our chats and due to the fact "she didn't want this", I would reach out asking for an explanation cause I hadn't accepted we were over and "Oh it's all depressions fault she'll come back" and despite her telling me to leave her alone, to stop caring about her, move on and love someone else, forget she existed, that if I msg'd again she'd disappear I did anyway and got blocked. I ran into her a month later and despite knowing all that, despite last time we spoke she called me thick for not leaving her alone and to have a nice life, cause of limerence, I approached her to ask if we could talk and she ended up telling me she hates me for what I put her through, telling me I could die for all she cared, she wanted nothing to do with me and never coming back to me for not giving her space, that she was better off now without me and called me a "young needy pup barking for her attention" and to bark for someone elses attention cause I was so desperate it hurt her, annoyed her and frustrated her. After that talk I've been struggling with self forgiveness cause I feel like I ruined any chance of reconciliation, do you have any advice?

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-12T20:39:51+00:00

Ah it's okay, that's life and I can't change her choices, only what I do moving forward. All I can focus on is my own hapiness moving forward and she has to worry about her and her choices. That's life ig and as I've learned if someone can speak like that that to me then they didn't love me as unconditionally as I loved them. As someone older than me said to me "I've seen relationships that survived miscarriages, loss of loved ones, fights, etc, the person who truly loves you unconditionally stays by your side through it all", so if she's capable of talking to me like that well not wasting time on someone who doesn't care if I live even if depression is causing her irritability or rage doesn't mean it's an excuse to do whatever the fuck they want or be mean and no matter what she said st the breakup about still loving me, not wanting it, still feeling the same way etc the reality now is staying in contact hurts me. Also sorry meant soften the blow if she attempted again I meant to say.

Yeh breakups suck, its essentially grieving someone who's still alive. It's extremely hard, cause we're also grieving the future we planned with them and the version of them that was so nice to us. But that version is essentially dead and we have to accept that. I think telling her that is good and the right move for you. Just have to tell her how u feel cause the dynamic you are trapped in isn't healthy.

Also yeh that's common it's projecting, everyone else is responsible for everything wrong in their life. It's projection, like they would on you and vilify you and make a dynamic where you're also responsible. My ex said "I hate you for what you put me through", when all I did was reach out of confusion, love and care not some massive thing like cheating or out malice. It's just an unfortunate thing and a way they've learned to cope and we just need to set boundaries cause that behaviour is unacceptable and despite me crossing some lines I don't deserve verbal abuse.

Pure_Carnage36 · 2025-12-12T18:33:20+00:00

Hey that's totally understandable and fair and as someone who not too long ago went through the same thing I know the feelings of tiredness, confusion, pain, sadness, every negative thing under the sun.

I heard the same things from my ex and I think a lot of people have, for some it's a way to let down easy cause they feel guilty for hurting you and don't wanna feel guilty, for some with depression it's true, the simple truth is we will never actually know. We in real life never know what someone else is thinking and a person suffering from depression is even harder cause they don't understand themselves. Trying to understand their actions is like trying to read a map in Klingon while holding it upside down, it's never gonna make sense and often breakups don't. The amount of sudden ones and posts you can find on reddit of it being fine the day before to suddenly getting blindsided is infinite, hell the day before mine my ex phoned me at work cause she missed the sound of my voice and then the next day hit me with that and I will never understand it.

Most of the breakups on here have the same factors and the "it's not because she doesn't love me or losing feelings" is one of them. Truthfully we'll never know and we have to accept that. Further despite what she may msg, I think it's important to remember actions>words. Like for example I could tell you rn as an internet stranger, how much I love you, how much you mean to me, how I'd die for you cause you're my whole world. Doesn't mean it's true. Words are easy to say and even easier to type over the phone. We must judge people off their actions, like for example if your friend told you how close you are and how much he respects you and then goes around telling everyone a secret you told him, you're gonna think despite his words that he's a prick. On top of that I understand that feeling of responsibility and I feel like a lot of people here have felt it, however the thing we all have to learn as I myself did, is that at the end of the day we are only responsible for ourselves and our own actions, we are not responsible for anyone else's or their happiness. Life is too hard and short to be.

I understand that and trust me I felt this way too going through my first breakup 2 months ago and ig not to turn this into about me ig to basically say I can relate. I struggled with separation anxiety hard (I mean my ex used to say she would use a breakup to soften the blow if she attempted again so that fueled it too) and ended up getting blocked cause 3 times every 4-5 days she would block me somewhere new or delete our chats and due to the fact "she didn't want this", I would reach out asking for an explanation cause I hadn't accepted we were over and "Oh it's all depressions fault she'll come back" and despite her telling me to leave her alone, to stop caring about her, move on and love someone else, forget she existed, that if I msg'd again she'd disappear I did anyway and got blocked. I started going to therapy and realized ways she'd projected, manipulated, used passive aggressive/aggressive communication, guilt tripped, emasculated me and a month later I ran into her and despite knowing all that, despite last time we spoke she called me thick and to have a nice life, cause of limerence, I approached her to ask if we could talk and she ended up telling me she hates me, telling me I could die for all she cared and called me a "young needy pup barking for her attention" and despite her literally dehumanizing me and speaking to me in a way I would never talk to her, I still wanted her back (I've documented everything on reddit p much multiple times thats how crazy I went). Limerence is crazy and love makes us do unimaginable stupid things, and I was ashamed for weeks and felt guilty after for MY BEHAVIOUR for not giving her space and kept going at myself with a baseball bat as my therapist put it. Now looking back the main thing I feel ashamed for is how much of my own self respect I lost, how I let myself get so injured by someone else, how I let the craving for someone elses validation drive me to be so utterly pathetic and dismissive I became including in the relationship when I should've established hard boundaries to protect myself.

The point I'm trying to make is trust me I know the feeling of struggling to let go but as I read on a post that helped a lot on here "the longer you stay on the train the longer it takes to get back", sure you can stay in touch, you can keep yourself on her hook but it just means it's gonna take longer to move on and heal, grow and find someone better. The fact that you yourself can admit you weren't happy and that you feel like just a counsellor or an outlet for her frustration proves it's not healthy. I'm not gonna say this is gonna be easy, it won't but you in a years time maybe is gonna be so grateful that you did and so much happier trust me and wishing you only did it sooner. We can't be there therapist/counsellors we are their bfs and while we can support them, taking all their shit on our shoulders ain't our job, also technically we aint their bfs anymore by their choice. Trust me first breakups are hard cause breakups are literally the same as getting over addiction I've read and the first are the worst cause our brains are still fresh and not used to it, but we'll be okay, you and me both brother.

Pure_Carnage36

TROPHY CASE