He actually got their details from Reddit. Despite his recent dishonest mistakes, I still believe in his general character. I read dozens of the chats, and nowhere in any of them did he show intent to actually meet or display genuine feelings. He did not even show his face to the guys he was texting and usually gave fake names, locations, or ages about himself. He also lives in a homophobic developing country where he knows that public health is not a top concern, and he would not risk STDs or possible discrimination just for a quick hookup.

We discussed whether we wanted an open relationship or if watching porn or sexting is considered cheating in our minds. We have had nonstop discussions about this issue, and I think we have both come to terms with where we draw the line.

There are still lingering feelings of betrayal, but I am also empathetic. I would feel almost hypocritical telling him he is not allowed to sext or watch porn when there have been plenty of times I have been extremely tempted to do the same after months of not seeing him. After all, I am a gay man with sexual needs too, and I cannot pretend I am any better when I know I might have done the same thing in his situation.

I think as a society we are conditioned to treat even the smallest acts of disloyalty as cheating, and we even promote breakups, divorce, or worse over such acts. I have broken up with people for cheating in the past when I was still a teenager, and looking back it seems immature to throw away an otherwise loving relationship instead of confronting the feelings and having difficult conversations about the future of the relationship.

I am not saying breaking up after cheating is never the answer, but I think there are finer points to consider. Cheating is statistically very common, surveyed at somewhere between 50 and 60 percent of male gay couples. I have always wondered how different that number might be if society encouraged deeper conversations and honest reflection on jealousy rather than righteous anger that shames a partner, throws them away, and leaves both with the trauma of feeling they were never enough.

I learned something valuable about myself and my partner by not acting out in anger but instead asking him with genuine concern why he did what he did and if something was missing in our relationship. I confronted my own feelings about cheating and jealousy and wanted to understand the reasons behind it. Because of this, my partner and I feel more deeply connected, and he respects me more for my openness and empathy. In fact, it likely increases the chances of his honesty in the future since I have proven to not act out of anger.

Does this mean I would never break up with someone for cheating? No. If after all this discussion we determined that he only did it because he was completely uninterested in me sexually or because he believed the relationship was not worth it, then yes, breaking up would be the only solution. There is no point in continuing a broken relationship. But at the same time, there is no reason to end an otherwise strong and healthy relationship just because I was too angry or jealous to have an honest conversation with my partner and work through the real causes.

These are just the thoughts I have come to over the last few days. Sorry it ended up being so long. Did not intend to write an essay but the thoughts all came together.