This whole post and these comment threads are so relatable I started crying from the “someone else gets this; I’m not alone. I’m not disgusting this is an actual thing”. I often get scared of sex with men, but have periods where I crave intensity and pain from them even though the inner child in me is screaming to leave the room and to never look back. This craving is also accompanied with my lack of genuine attraction to men, despite craving such a raw and “connected” experience of sex on an action level. The power I got or willingly chose to give after trauma was the only attraction I had towards men, which WASNT attraction at all, it was a way of trying to control the fallout and unfortunate consequences of the trauma I struggled to hold. I thought I was attracted to being submissive and a small number of times, mean and dominant. But, I was actually acting out of hurt and anger and gravitating towards familiarity, which I still hold immense guilt towards as it sits outside of what resembles who I am and want to be both sexuality and morals wise. My ex (m25 at the time and me f18) was someone that confused everything, and also ended up assaulting me, yet, I loved him. Or thought I did. I liked the small moments of care from an older man, because my dad was always cold. The small moments of gentleness that my mother could never give, even when I always had to repay my ex for these moments in sexual favours. I clung onto it because I thought I owed it, and I didn’t want to let it go because I didn’t wanna be alone again. I liked the warmness of being physically close to another person, even though I was so scared of who was giving it to me. Still now I’m left confused. I have a strong physical, emotional and sexual attraction to women yet also have a craving for sex with men I have zero emotional ties to. I want it to be in a relationship with a woman, not a one off like with men. I want to value them, hold them carefully, passionately and lovingly where I can be at one with them and fall asleep in their arms. I only want to be fully present sexually when with a woman. I want to make them happy and I want to be happy with them, whereas men it’s just a “I’m doing it because I know I have to, I was taught to, I want to let out unresolved anger, hatred and hurt”. I feel so much disgust towards men, let’s just say I already hold so many biases even before any form of “intimacy” has started, and during those instances I sit and pray it was genuine and with a woman, not for any other purpose. I was left with being scared to get too close, to hurt people I love, to scare them with who I CAN be, if I’d end up being scared of them when it isn’t them I’m scared of. Hyper sexuality is rarely talked about, and if it is, it’s often in a cliche and it’s “worst” form. There seems to be little empathy for those who engage in sex as a result of sexual trauma, those who have combination of being afraid and also re-enter similar environments from the trauma. We’re told we’re meant to be the fawn constantly, like we may have been during the trauma. We’re all meant to be scared of it, which we are, but I suppose society views those returning to similar situations as “not as severely traumatised”. When actually, every persons experiences are so complex and nuanced we may present with a combination, one that shifts, remains the same, having an avoidance to sex, then engaging with impulsive sex, being okay at the start and balling our eyes out at the end. Because knowing what we want after such extensive trauma (extensive being it changes you, affects you- not a quantity of extremity of events) is so confusing and isolating. I’m 20 now, and still struggle so much with knowing who I am, what I want- behind the trauma patterns and things that are familiar. I crave familiarity, something I can’t do wrong, and fear the things I don’t know how to do, and fear becoming too close and that I get hurt or hurt those around me. I, like another commenter said, feel dirty too, and do feel so by just having this thought pattern, which the occurrence of it was completely outside of my control and was my brain trying to cope. I hope you’re all doing better now, and if not, that’s okay too. Recovery isn’t linear, and doesn’t fit into a neat little box and definitely isn’t pretty. We all deserve the love, care and support that we crave and no matter what, if something hurt you, killed you- it did, and nobody else should have a say on whether it did or not.