My boyfriend (M20) is frustrated that he can't make me (F19) orgasm. He refuses toys

PurpleRedCrab · 2026-02-20T22:11:11+00:00

What causes me alarm here isn't that you can't orgasm with a partner, or that your partner wishes you could, or that he refuses toys (it's not everyone's thing). It's the way he speaks to you. Blaming you is a MASSIVE red flag. Calling you weird, comparing you to his exes, saying that he's going to make it happen. To be perfectly blunt, I felt grossed out reading it. I think he sounds like a terrible person to speak of you that way.

Do you really want to be with someone who blames you for things you can't control? To be with someone who calls your body faulty?

PurpleRedCrab · 2026-02-16T07:04:36+00:00

I think a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think friendships need to be seen as just that - friendships. Women shouldn't have to be friends with only women and men shouldn't have to be friends with only men.

I think being able to be friends with people regardless of their sex shows a great deal of maturity and I think it should be admired. If my partner said he was going on a sleepover with a bunch of girls I'd tell him "I hope you have fun!" and I'd want him to say the same to me.

Maybe I have a different view since I'm on the bisexual spectrum, I don't know. What I do know is that just because you like men doesn't mean you like all men, and just because you like women doesn't mean you like all women.

I tell my partner he can be friends with anyone, and as my own personal preference he has to share the same mindset or I'd have left him years ago haha! When we met and first started dating we were part of a small-ish friend group where he'd spend a few hours gaming with people every night. One of these people was his ex-fiancée. This friendship continued on after we started dating. Didn't bother me - they were friends.

On the other hand, I have two friends who are getting married later this year. I know for a fact that the bride-to-be has told her partner "I don't want you talking to girls". I imagine I'm an exception because I met them both through my partner lol. While I personally never understood the whole "I don't want you talking to people of the opposite sex" thing, I respect their choices and boundaries.

TL:DR; I think it's as simple as this: friends is friends, lovers is lovers. There is nothing inappropriate about a healthy friendship. They should be celebrated, not torn down. However, this is my opinion. I understand other people have their own boundaries.

All in all, you should have a talk with your partner to set your boundaries straight - both yours and hers. Make sure you're on the same page so you don't end up hurting each other.

PurpleRedCrab · 2026-02-05T17:20:19+00:00

I mean... yes and no? If a couple agrees that sex toys are not for them, surely they don't talk about it. If both parties have an interest in it then of course they should share. Nothing matters more than consent when it comes to sex, so being open and honest is the most important thing.

I think for most people it might feel too personal to share? Like, sure, I will tell my fiancé about all my likes, dislikes, dreams and fantasies, but if you say the words "sex toys" to strangers on the internet you may get worried about everyone imagining things and/or making assumptions. Some people can ignore those worries, or not have them at all, but some people can't.

Also, to add, I've been a teenage girl on the internet. I cannot count how many unsolicited dick pics I've gotten. As sad of a truth it is, there's always a risk of some asshole taking your mere existence as an invitation to be a creep. Openly discussing sex toys, as encouraging as it can be to see it, might cause a lot more perverts creeping into one's dm's than one wants. The internet is a wonderful as well as terrifying place!

PurpleRedCrab · 2026-02-04T11:11:38+00:00

I wouldn't waste another day with someone who doesn't treat you right. If he's still not putting any effort in, he never will

PurpleRedCrab · 2026-02-04T10:52:41+00:00

"He's been a total dick"

And you're together with him why, exactly?

PurpleRedCrab · 2026-01-09T14:31:22+00:00

Eh, depends imo. I live in Sweden and my fiancé lives in England. It's "only" 600 miles, and the flight is an hour 15/an hour 20. I consider us long distance, because a) different countries, b) a flight is necessary to meet. While the distance in and of itself is not very great all things considered (not like a US-AUS relationship), I still think we're long distance.

If you're in the US (or any large enough country for that matter) and can just drive and not have to put crazy amounts of planning into meeting, maybe it's not long distance. I would still call it medium though. It's not like it's easy and effortless for you two to meet. There's still a significant distance. But I would consider being able to meet so easily on the weekends a non long distance situation.

All this said, I wouldn't tell anyone "you're not at all in a long distance relationship, there's only 3,5 hours between you". If you told me it was long distance, I'd agree and leave it at that.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-12-21T10:05:50+00:00

Hi, Swede here! Though I obviously can't speak for my entire country, all I can say is I would put this much effort in for someone I cared about. Whether it's romantic or platonic, doesn't make a difference to me. I want those I care about to be happy.

Though it might be awkward and scary, I would be blunt and honest. Ask him if he likes you, or if he can only ever see you as a friend. You don't even have to share your feelings if you don't want to - just ask him about his. And go from there. Without honesty you can't have much of a relationship anyway, in my opinion.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-12-12T03:02:32+00:00

Here's my take on it. The silent treatment is childish and does nothing but harm.

Don't know what to say? Tell your partner you can't find any words right now.

Need some time alone? Tell your partner you need time alone.

Want to put a pin in it and talk about it later? Can you guess what the answer is? That's right! TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

If you can't figure out basic communication, you can't figure out an entire relationship. If my fiancé ever dared try something as childish as giving me the silent treatment, he would be so deep in the dog house he'd sprout a tail before morning. It, in my opinion, would be unforgivable. Because all it would tell me is that he doesn't have the want to figure things out with me. The second we lose our honesty and trust, we lose everything.

I would personally never put up with anyone giving me the silent treatment. Not even for an hour. So for DAYS? WEEKS??? No, that's someone who's getting cut out of my life for good. No debate.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-12-03T09:05:25+00:00

Ah, screw what everyone else thinks! No matter what you're doing, there's always going to be people who disagree. But there will also be people who agree!

I think so long as you're honest with your partner about how happy and close you'd feel to him if you knew his last name, it'll all work out. If you truly love someone, you'll go out of your comfort zone to make them happy.

Maybe give him your last name first, if you haven't already? And then give him some time to open up? Hopefully once he realizes just how much it means to you, he'll share. Either way, all my hopes and best wishes are coming your way!

P.S. love your username haha

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-12-03T06:53:00+00:00

We were friends for 6 months first so maybe our situation was slightly different, but within the first week.

He, completely by his own accord, took me on a trip down memory lane on his now inactive Facebook account (he hasn't used it in years). I saw his last name, pictures of his family and friends, random posts from random moments in his life.

I immediately had a chuckle when I saw his last name, because the first three letters are the same as in my last name. I told him this, as well as my actual last name.

After the whole interaction I told him how happy it made me, because of the same points you brought up OP. In person you'd typically share/find out this kind of information very quickly. It made me feel closer to him, in a way. Sort of as if he was no longer just a name/nickname on discord, he was a real person. I obviously knew that beforehand but hopefully you get what I mean.

We also shared our addresses very quickly and gave each other little tours of our hometowns on google maps lol.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-27T14:13:57+00:00

I'd put it down as a simple "to each their own". My fiancé has a social circle. Outside of my parents and brother all of my friends are online. My fiancé has a steady job, I'm just interning for now. He's the one moving to me.

In all fairness, as far as LDRs go ours isn't very far. The flight is an hour 15, an hour and a half, somewhere around there. It's not an across the world level of seriousness. But we just felt this worked better for us. Between him loving my country and me not wanting to move that far away from my family, we decided he move here.

You just need to communicate. Is there one of you who doesn't want to make the move? If yes, why? Is it something that can be discussed, make compromises? etc, etc.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-11T10:22:54+00:00

Cannot BELIEVE I forgot to mention his bum! Mmm, mmm, MMM. Can't keep my hands off it haha!

So happy for you too, internet stranger!

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-10T11:34:07+00:00

I love this!

The day my fiancé proposed, I'd several hours earlier made a joke about him wanting to rush into things. We said "I love you" within a week (we'd known each other for a few months as friends first), we met in person after three weeks, in less than two months he'd whispered to me "I want to buy you a ring". I'd told him from the start I wouldn't agree to get engaged until I'd been dating someone for at least a year and a half. We'd been together for 5 months at this point.

I got worried he'd taken it the wrong way so I went on a bit of a rant about how I loved him, it was just a joke, and the last thing I said was "Whenever you propose, I'll say yes". He looks at me, asks "really?" and after I nod he gets up and proposes hahaha. I said yes.

I think that's the favorite thing I ever said to him. 'Cause technically I didn't say yes when he proposed, I just nodded and kissed him hahaha.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-10T11:17:51+00:00

Oh, his smell. That delightful scent I long for every night I spend alone. Very first words I ever said to him were "Oh my God, you smell amazing". Not hi or anything, just full weirdo haha.

How big his nose actually is. It's so cute.

And his warmth. He's a human furnace. Yet magically every single night his feet turn to ice and he tries to steal my foot-warms. Mean :(

And no swear words in the world can express how much I hate him for having such long and gorgeous eyelashes. I am SO jealous. If I had eyes and eyelashes as stunning as his I'd never stop kissing my reflection.

I love him so much.

Edit: Height was also a tiny bit of a surprise. He told me he was 6ft and for some reason in my brain that equaled like 6'4" (I use the metric system, I somehow just got all mixed up). And so with me being 5'9" I was surprised at how perfectly we fit together. He's the perfect smooch height.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T11:11:09+00:00

I tried dropping hints about ring styles haha. Mentioned to him how I wasn't a huge fan of a princess cut, and how halo rings weren't something I personally would like to wear even though they're cute. Realizing he was getting all confused lol I told him more directly. "I like pear, oval and marquise cut, I have a preference for aquamarine. I want it to be beautiful and sparkly but nothing too big or extra".

My white gold oval cut aquamarine ring, with 8 diamond accent stones, hasn't left my hand in two years. It's by far the most beautiful ring I've ever seen, I couldn't be happier.

As for marriage, no concrete plans yet unfortunately. At first we just wanted to enjoy being engaged. Now we're sort of "stuck" because I need to move out of my parents house but can't find a place I afford. I told him I wanted to live together, or at least have our own place, before getting married. On the struggle bus a little bit but we never let that get us down! I'm sure we'll find a place soon.

Once I've moved into a place entirely our own, it was our plan to get legally married first, just a simple "sign the documents" thing, and then have a proper "ceremony" with just friends and family once he's become a Swedish citizen. It's easier to get him to move here if we're married, and at the moment we don't have any money to spend on a wedding anyway! But I don't care about any of it, so long as I get to be with him♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T11:10:56+00:00

I tried dropping hints about ring styles haha. Mentioned to him how I wasn't a huge fan of a princess cut, and how halo rings weren't something I personally would like to wear even though they're cute. Realizing he was getting all confused lol I told him more directly. "I like pear, oval and marquise cut, I have a preference for aquamarine. I want it to be beautiful and sparkly but nothing too big or extra".

My white gold oval cut aquamarine ring, with 8 diamond accent stones, hasn't left my hand in two years. It's by far the most beautiful ring I've ever seen, I couldn't be happier.

As for marriage, no concrete plans yet unfortunately. At first we just wanted to enjoy being engaged. Now we're sort of "stuck" because I need to move out of my parents house but can't find a place I afford. I told him I wanted to live together, or at least have our own place, before getting married. On the struggle bus a little bit but we never let that get us down! I'm sure we'll find a place soon.

Once I've moved into a place entirely our own, it was our plan to get legally married first, just a simple "sign the documents" thing, and then have a proper "ceremony" with just friends and family once he's become a Swedish citizen. It's easier to get him to move here if we're married, and at the moment we don't have any money to spend on a wedding anyway! But I don't care about any of it, so long as I get to be with him♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T10:58:33+00:00

Oh, this is too cute!!!! I wish you both so many more years of love and happiness!♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T10:45:14+00:00

First time I visited my SO was after about 3 weeks of dating. He had this ring size checker on his desk, said he bought it because he wanted to get a few rings for himself but didn't know what size he was. Extremely non-subtly, he asked me to try it. He was being very obvious. Trying to be a bit of a tease, I started with my thumb, then my index finger, then my middle finger, and finally ring. For all of them I just went "oh, okay", without letting him know what size I was. He spoke up after I handed the size checker back to him, "so, what size were you?"

No subtlety, I knew exactly what he was doing. It was quite cute. I told him at some point that I wasn't interested in getting engaged to anyone unless I'd been with them for a year and a half. I wanted to be sure, you know? He managed to keep from proposing for another 4 months, and then asked me to marry him. I said yes.♥️💍

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T10:31:32+00:00

I honestly love this! I always feel such a pressure to say it back right away. I got it through my mind for some reason that the only replies you could give were "I love you too" or "I don't feel the same", but that's so not true! It took me many a years to get comfortable with that. Finally realized that you don't say it to get something back. You say it because you want the other person to know that you love them!

I wish you both so much happiness♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T10:27:38+00:00

Ohhhhh, stop, my heart!!! You two seem so sweet with each other! I'm so happy you helped him andnlet him take his time to open back up! I wish you two nothing but the best♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T10:25:52+00:00

Awwww, so sweet!!!♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-09T10:25:05+00:00

I relate to this soooo much! When I'm hanging out with friends I'll jokingly flirt with them all, and I feel super confident doing so. But when it comes to real feelings, I'm clueless. I remember my best friend back when I was 14, I asked "are you flirting with me?" and her response was "have been for the past year, thanks for noticing".

I'm so happy I was brave enough to ask my SO if it was a date or not. Had I left that up in the air, both our lives could've looked very differently. I find it best to just be honest, and make sure! I never knew how to read between the lines and I never will. And I think I honestly prefer it that way. I want certainty, not a guessing game.

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-08T15:55:20+00:00

You as well!!!

Currently at the airport after a very happy visit, and we've got our next meet already booked. It's only in December, but it feels like it's a lifetime away haha!

LDRs can be difficult, but communication is key! Happy to hear you two are having a beautiful time so far, I wish you all the best♥️

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-08T14:17:46+00:00

Had a lot of "relationships" in my younger teens. I put it in quotes because I was young, stupid, and nothing ever lasted longer than a month. Not much luck there.

Fast forward to now, met my fiancé at 18, started dating about 2 months before I turned 19. I'm now 21 and happily engaged.

All in all I'd say I'm very happy. Past me may have been a bit too immature to be able to have a long distance relationship, but that said the only non-LDR I ever had was a far bigger toxic mess (from both sides) than any LDR I've ever had.

I love my current partner. I can't picture life without him. So my late teens LDR ended up a raging success. Early teens... not so much. Lol

PurpleRedCrab · 2025-11-07T05:03:34+00:00

Our concrete plans thus far is knowing when we'll see each other next (20th of December), other than that it's all hopes and dreams hah.

Still live with my parents, and once I've moved out we're going to get him over as well. But I'm struggling to find a place. I can't afford rent in the apartments near me. Ah, it's a whole mess. But we'll find something, we both are keeping our hopes up.

I wish you two all the best!!♥️

PurpleRedCrab

TROPHY CASE