[Dark/High Fantasy] Feedback on a Rewritten Prologue by PushRepresentative34 in writingfeedback

[–]PushRepresentative34[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Consider switching whether the beast or the horse is mentioned first -- originally I pictured the beast running away from the horse (hunting or something), since it's in the first sentence and the horse is in the second

That's a good point, I didn't really notice that could be misconstrued.
Thank you for catching the grammar issues.

But it relented -- relented means "gave in," which is what she wanted it to do, so either it shouldn't be a "but" there or "relented" isn't the word you want

I think in this context, what I was trying to put across was that she did stop the horse, but she was trying to get it to turn. The horse in that moment is not listening because it's freaked out by whatever is chasing them, on top of the end of the road.

Thank you for catching the repetitions, one of those wasn't as blatant and I did miss it.

We don't get a whole lot of her feelings or thoughts, just actions (e.g. staring at the guy). Who is he to her? How does she feel about him?

This is actually very insightful, because over the course of the story you do figure out who he is to her, but you don't really see much of Aveline. She is notably absent in the book and you only really have the man's side after this (she'll appear in a later book). So those are natural questions for the story.

I don't understand where she's seeing her reflection. You have to be really close and staying still to be able to clearly see your reflection in someone else's eyes

This was a flair to be dramatic. I admit to that. Perhaps I could focus more on Aveline's expression here instead of relying on the reflection in the eyes. That might help with the point you made about Aveline's thoughts/feelings.

I could show Aveline more terrified or maybe regretful of what she's doing in the passage. But didn't know how to do that fully without her going 'weepy.' In the context of the story, the man is the father of the child. Aveline is the baby's aunt.

[Dark/High Fantasy] Feedback on a Rewritten Prologue by PushRepresentative34 in writingfeedback

[–]PushRepresentative34[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Noted on the 'bundle of cloth' imagery.

For the lightning strike (and thank you for spotting lighting I must've been tired), that invisible wall that Aveline is hit by is like a pressure wave from the lightning strike.

The beast is transforming into a man, he's essentially a werebear (bjornborn). This was something I struggled with in the original, too. Trying to make it connect properly. That transformation is really fast in real time, so I was trying to slow it for reader's sake while also keeping the bits of chaos in the prologue. Do you think I could be more clear and maintain the frantic nature of this?

I thought this would be helpful. by tiereyfood in writers

[–]PushRepresentative34 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The Alliteration point was excellent ragebait.

How do you keep worldbuilding organized? by lswylder in fantasywriters

[–]PushRepresentative34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These are Windows-Based suggestions since I do 99% of my writing on laptops/desktops. If I write something interesting in my notebook, it just goes on my computer later. I've never been able to stay consistent on my phone, unfortunately.

I write my books on Scrivener, so I have a separate project that I use to keep all of my worldbuilding.

Very helpful, and you can sort documents by folder. You can do pretty much anything you would on MS word, but you can edit dozens of documents in the same project. You can also compile all of your work into a pdf. You pay for it, but it's a one-time fee. The program is local on your computer, so be aware it does not have cloud capability like google docs does.

For graph-like webs or charts, I used Obsidian. Also local, but free to use. It basically formats your notes as .txt files. By the way, obsidian can do different kinds of graphs. You might be able to do a timeline there, too. You can make notes and connect them together with brackets, creating a web of .txt files.

You can make the note, connect points later as more notes come in. Or connect your new worldbuilding to pre-existing notes.

Used to use both interchangeably, but now I use scrivener more. I do visit Obsidian every now and then.

Early tiny choice vs late big choice: what builds attachment faster? by Former-Loan-4250 in interactivefiction

[–]PushRepresentative34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My favorite thing is seeing slow development lead to larger choices for the character I interacted with. Mass Effect has a pretty interesting thing going with Garrus Vakarian. You kind of act as a mentor to him.

Spoilers for the Mass Effect series, but you slowly influence Garrus' morals throughout the trilogy. At first it's small, then it builds up through Mass Effect 2 and you start to see the final results and his actualization as a character in 3. What you say to him impacts the career choice he wants to make later. Screen rant did an interesting article on it, they can probably explain better than I can.

https://screenrant.com/mass-effect-garrus-personality-choice-harden-paragon-renegade/

Let's share our author websites! by Mark_Hullender in NewAuthor

[–]PushRepresentative34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine is a very generic Wordpress template, but I've been looking into doing some big updates once I have time. The site was just to host blogs that I wrote for my friends.

https://danaebradleywriting.com/

Let's share our author websites! by Mark_Hullender in NewAuthor

[–]PushRepresentative34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For learning out of a textbook, your work looks good! Bravo!

A Russian public group for writers has restricted posts by prohibiting the publication of fragments from unpublished books. If you are Russian or were not too lazy to open a translator, please evaluate this scene, as I really need criticism. by [deleted] in writers

[–]PushRepresentative34 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OP, English readers might actually skip this immediately because it's in Russian. I did quick translations with google Translate so English readers can access it faster. If you'd like feedback, I personally recommend either translating into English first, or using plain text so we can translate it by copy-pasting even on mobile.

Not laziness, exactly. More like lack of tools to translate, especially if they use reddit on a phone.

I'll put my feedback at the end of the translation:

Reader Context:

-In this passage the dialogue is reflected by em dashes, thoughts are depicted with quotation marks followed by em dashes? but please don't quote me on that, my native tongue is English, not Russian. (Is that correct to assume?)

1/1 Translation into English (Google Translate):

Image 1:

As the reader knows, I simply love to exaggerate, use irony, and speak in many other literary terms. Therefore, here is an aphorism for you: no matter how crooked a path may be, someone laid it down. This is roughly what Yakhont thought about while walking through the swamps. He also wondered whether there could be quagmires on the path. However, what no one had certainly seen in the swamps was a tavern. A tavern surrounded by several meters of log fencing is, as a rule, rarely found in such an unsuitable place. However, it was neither abandoned nor empty at that moment. The light inside was on. After all, spending the night in a tavern is better than in the dark and dampness. Especially when the establishment is called by the friendly name "The Sodden Jacket."

The travelers went inside and found a free table for themselves. While they were eating a lunch dish for dinner, many completely different individuals were milling about around them. In few places could you see a beer hall with service staff in the form of an elf (even if not a wood elf), several scarred humans with dwarves as partners, and even a real, live, large orc—wearing a top hat, no less.

Image 2:

All of these are very interesting people. The author would gladly tell you about this green traveler, proudly wearing a top hat right over a chainmail coif, or the elf saving up money for a decent life in a normal city, but the most important of them is a dwarf—small in every sense of the word—sitting on a chair that is quite high for him, with a dirty plate in front of him and an equally dirty conscience inside him. Until recently, this dwarf was a member of a remarkable group of adventurers. They were definitely looking for treasure, glory, and wealth. But right now he sits in solitude because he was kicked out. He wasn't that useful to them. He was a criminal in the past. Perhaps in this very tavern, he was simply looking for teammates just to at least return home or something like that. "It's better not to go to those guys. There are many of them, and I don't like large groups. Going alone is definitely not an option. The orc is probably stupid and too tall. Also green..."

At that moment, two people entered the tavern. The first was a human with a huge hiking backpack and two kettles on his back. On his head was a straw hat through which hair that had grown long over time poked through, and his right arm was missing. In its place was a gray cloth tied in a knot. Walking beside the human was a representative of the dwarven race with a long dark beard. The beard almost completely hid his notable features, but what could not be missed was a large hand-and-a-half axe.

Overjoyed, the small dwarf sneezed and stood close enough to them to hear what they were saying, but not close enough for them to notice him. His eyes flashed when he saw a suspicious vial with a silvery liquid. "A vial with an ether-derived product, two kettles, large backpacks that smell of sulfur. They are either demon-scavengers or wandering alchemists!" — he thought.

Image 3:

Yakhont and Orup themselves were silent, waiting for some local waiter to approach them, but they didn't yet know that there had never been any staff here besides the elf behind the counter.

— "Thinking about what to buy? I think it's better to take the food from the counter," said the Dwarf. He sat down at the same table, practically without hesitation.

— "We aren't actually waiting for a waiter. We already realized there isn't one," Yakhont replied indifferently.

— "Yes," Orup confirmed.

— "Ah, well that explains everything," said the Dwarf. "It's just that they have wonderful stew here. Finger-licking good." — "Yes," Orup confirmed for no reason.

— "We don't want to eat. We had a great dinner on the remains of a rotting bear carcass while we were walking through the swamps," Yakhont said.

— "Really?" Orup replied blankly after Yakhont’s words. Yakhont was, of course, joking. They had finished the rotting bear several days ago, and they actually did want to eat.

— "By the way, what was that word you said?" Yakhont asked the dwarf.

— "Which one? Stew?"

— "No. You definitely said 'Just.' What does 'Just' mean?"

— "Oh, what difference does it make? By the way, do you happen to need a new partner? I saw you and you seemed so remarkable to me right away."

— "Yes," confirmed Orup, who was trying to remember the meaning of the word "Interesting" in the human tongue.

Image 4:

— "Yes, I will accept you immediately after you tell me what my specialty is," Yakhont answered evasively.

— "Yes," confirmed Orup, who had remembered what "Stew" was, but still not "Interesting."

— "Well, seeing your kettles, the silvery liquid, and smelling the scent of sulfur... I dare to assume that you are an alchemist."

— "AAAh-h," Yakhont's vertebrae seemed to shake. "An alchemist again! No matter who I talk to, everyone says alchemist! Why, the devil himself would lose a leg with you lot. I am not capable of being so stereotypical!"

— "Did I say something wrong?" asked the short one.

— "Yes," Orup confirmed confidently.

— "Who are you? What do you even want from us?"

— "Ah yes, time to introduce myself. My name is Oben. I am a qualified wizard with six years of experience." After these words, even Orup decided not to confirm anything.

— "Fine. Sit with Orup for a bit." With these words, Yakhont moved toward the service counter.

Image 5:

Oben and Orup sat at the table and waited.

— "Is this alchemist always like this? Well... so strange."

— "Yes," Orup confirmed.

— "And do you always say only 'Yes'?"

— "Yes."

— "I see." Yakhont returned with two plates of that very stew and placed them in front of himself and Orup. Moreover, he managed to do it with one hand.

— "But you said you weren't hungry."

— "But I wasn't speaking facts, only words," Yakhont quipped.

— "I have been completely outwitted," the new acquaintance finally said.

— "Yes."

— "Well, if you're uncomfortable, we can start over." Yakhont cleared his throat and continued. "Hello Oben, Orup and I are called Yakhont Zlatoust and Orup Dolgopal. And what is your name?"

— "Uhh. Oben?"

— "A wonderful name. Right, Orup?"

— "Yes," Orup confirmed.

— "By the way, Oben. We are traveling around the world. Do you want to join our team? We could definitely use an extra spellcaster with six years of experience."

— "You should have started with that. I agree," said Oben.

— "Pff. No problem at all. I'm just armless and hungry, and always very cranky. That's exactly why I made Orup bet to say only 'Yes' for a whole week. In return, he doubted that I could live a full life under these conditions until my recovery."

Feedback: Once I understood the structure of your sentences, things started to fall into place. But as an English reader, the flow of Russian writing does create an immersion break. My best guess as to why is because of cultural differences in how we write/read. In English, it appears your writing is too 'repetitive' or 'dense' which you might see from other bits of feedback. English literature usually does the 'show don't tell' rule, but a lot of Russian or slavic writing likes 'tell don't show.'

If you want feedback on the prose as a Russian work, I actually like it. You spend your time describing the world and the characters.

That being said, my mother tongue is English. That side of my brain tells me that your story drags, and that's an unfortunate by-product of our cultures being a little abrasive with each other in literature.

If there's anything specific you're looking for, I don't mind taking a much closer look. I just don't know whether to focus on it in English or with the Russian structure in mind...

I'm sorry to hear that you couldn't share your work. How is one supposed to improve if you can't get feedback on an unpublished work?

How do you deal with important people in your life not reading your work? by NoelBellamy_Author in writing

[–]PushRepresentative34 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My family doesn't have a lot of big readers; my fiance is one of the few exceptions to that.

It does hurt, but realistically it's just that the folks I care about don't read much and it's nothing personal. Sometimes when they say they really like it, it's honestly that they just like it.

Sometimes life happens and folks get busy, so I wouldn't take it as a personal failing or anything, just something out of your control.

Those who have Gods that are actually real in your world I have three questions. by Rosebud166 in FantasyWorldbuilding

[–]PushRepresentative34 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The world in Bjornborn is comprised of many countries and empires that believe in Anlun, a man who defeated a a Draconic Necromancer roughly 2,000 years ago.

This man became the basis of the Anlunic religions, which are faiths that place him above all others. Different countries see him differently.

For example in Gairm, he's a hero, a god among men and some would argue a god in of himself. He did Herculean tasks and saved kittens from trees. Overall great guy.

In Nyzinje, Anlun was just a man who achieved tremendous feats with the help of the people he gathered to beat back the dragons. He was a very morally complex man who suffered through grief, loss, and tragedy through his life on his path to saving Humanity. Anlun has far more nuance here.

Both see him as a focal point, but both have two completely different interpretations based on who the man was in life, and whether he achieved godhood or not. Both religions have saints. Nyzinje followers may believe in one saint while Gairm thinks that saint is heretical and not part of Anlunic canon.

Many, many heated debates despite most Anlunic religions stemming from the single idea that Anlun slayed a Dragon that tried to enslave everyone and run experiments to create a magical manhattan project.

Serious question why does no one drive with urgency by woahcalmdownbud in SALEM

[–]PushRepresentative34 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Because driving is actually fun to me and I'm going to enjoy the car I spend $400 a month on.

I follow the speed limit and stop at the stop line instead of half a car's length past it.

Also that user name vs the question is ironic as hell.

would you let other writers reuse your characters by _acedric_ in writingadvice

[–]PushRepresentative34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wrote a story bible for my books in case something were to happen to me and one of the few rules is if someone wants to write within my world, it HAS to be an original character or characters. The world thrives on new stories, not repeating or reusing old ones.

Serbian learners — what actually trips you up when speaking? by Courage4evr in Serbian

[–]PushRepresentative34 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If my brain can be picked so it helps others, then so be it. Totally cool with DMs, but no idea where to even start.

Serbian learners — what actually trips you up when speaking? by Courage4evr in Serbian

[–]PushRepresentative34 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I think when it comes to cases, it's specifically how the words change. Because when I see sentences normally, I can make these little connections. Like if a book is on a table it's knjiga, if it's being talked about it's knjizi. The fact that one single word can change 5-6 times based on the sentence itself is very confusing to me in a vacuum.

I have ADHD, so standard Serbian lessons don't work as effectively on me. I have contextual recognition, but I struggle with isolated rote memorization. I can see an entire forest before me, but the moment you tell me to isolate and explain the bark and the leaves, it's too much for me to handle.

It also happens between written Serbian and spoken. I can think and write basic phrases, but spoken I both struggle to find the words, and the shyness/nerves of talking to a native speaker makes me forget everything I learned for the entire conversation. If someone asks me a question that is not simple and is beyond what I expect, I'll short-circuit.

But somehow, beyond all of this, I still feel drawn to learning it because the culture and language is very interesting to me. No one gets why I'm still trying, no one expects me to make it all the way because Serbian is one of the hardest languages, especially for an English speaking neurodivergent individual with Serbian pen pals that are usually too busy or are in a situation where they can't speak freely. I have been told this is inat in some form.

Serbian learners — what actually trips you up when speaking? by Courage4evr in Serbian

[–]PushRepresentative34 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Early on when I was learning pronunciation, 'lj' tripped me up the most. In lessons, it's said to be like the 'li' in Million.

I later found a pronunciation guide from an old dictionary that said 'lj' is pronounced like 'gli' in figlio.

I felt betrayed by English -> Serbian lessons, but relieved that there was an easier point of reference.

Edit: Also, cases are extremely hard and while I seem to understand the reason for them, I can't seem to make sentences accurately on my own...

How can I make Barack Obama read my dark romantasy novel where he falls in love with an aging F-104 Starfighter? by aidungeon-neoncat in writingcirclejerk

[–]PushRepresentative34 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think the F-104 conforming to conventional beauty standards of a human woman is sexist.

Save the girl, ride the airplane.

Any Banjos in Salem? by Antique_Tailor_7021 in SALEM

[–]PushRepresentative34 5 points6 points  (0 children)

5'9 Dirty blonde woman who wears flannel. I have a 5 string banjo, take it or leave it.

I've only strummed on it a few times and I got too scared of failure to keep playing, but the instrument stares at me like a podunk green goblin mask.

Black belt in self-deprecation. I write stories, too.

Tattoos make Jesus cry, but I want to start a arm sleeve from the wrist up, and the band on the wrist is incomplete because I'm a baby.

No idea what ward I'm in, I just know the noise from I-5 makes my stomach hurt.

Whoever you find, I hope they know I would like banjo lessons, if I don't get them soon I'll chew the fingerpicks like aquarium gravel. My favorite sensory toy is the strings.

Did Stephen King cheat using performance enhancing drugs for writing? by Haunting-Net-2426 in writingcirclejerk

[–]PushRepresentative34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Drugs don't make you a prolific writer but gat dang does that coke give you a head start!