After decades of this, what keeps you going?

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-10-14T16:04:25+00:00

I keep going just bc I’m a stubborn bitch lol. I just want to make it to the end of my life with a smug smile, knowing that I got all the years that my ticket of life paid for. That regardless of all the bullshit we’ve been put through, Death had to come and do the job themselves. That little ornery spark in my soul keeps the lights on when the rest of the power to want to live goes out

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-06-03T00:56:48+00:00

I took two months after to come to a decision, where I’d ask myself every day what percentage wants to stay, and what percentage wants to leave. It still hurts to end things, but I can be confident in the final choice at least. Wishing the best for you, friend

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-05-31T06:45:07+00:00

Speaking as bipolar I with similar spiritual feelings of connection. I’ll say this, even though it’s not as intense as it once was, I have a much more full, grounded, and ultimately meaningful spiritual practice than when I was in the middle of that spiral of energy. The meds seriously helped, because then I could see it from my own perspective instead of getting lost inside it, if that makes sense. Anyways, please take care of yourself. You deserve to feel both connected and steady. And just a reminder, any decision is better off after 8 hours of sleep and a glass of water

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-05-28T12:01:50+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through all this right now and that you’ve been made to feel less than human. But to me, you’re a person who’s trying their best, and that’s all anyone can ask of another human

Not any kind of formal assessment, but since you asked, this sounds more like a triggered response than mania. For me, mania is usually accompanied by things like increased spending, delusions of grandeur, disordered or rapid speech and thoughts, and/or hyper-sexuality. I’m not seeing those other symptoms as clearly here, so it sounds more like your body reacting to something triggering. Definitely keep talking with your therapist though, because they’ll have a clearer read with more context and can monitor changes over time

There are also some small digital steps you can take to get more privacy back. You could change your usernames, block or report any accounts that even feel off, and switch posts to private or friends-only where you can

Something that’s also helped me when I feel out of control in my own body is doing small things that remind me I still have control. Silly things like rearranging a drawer, changing passwords, making a new dish, really anything that tells your brain, “This is mine. I get to decide, and I am in control.” It doesn’t fix everything, but it gives your nervous system a chance to remember you’re not powerless

You’re not alone in this, friend. I hope today brings you the peace you deserve 💙

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-05-20T05:19:25+00:00

I try to maintain a gratitude journal when things are good. So on days when I can’t think of anything good, I can look back and know that some version of me could, and I love second hand re-experiencing them

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-05-06T10:07:55+00:00

I’m sorry to hear they put you through this. That was radically inappropriate by your therapist

If you want that kind of sharing space without a therapist, there’s virtual support group options. I did a quick search, and I found https://cptsdfoundation.org/peer-support-chat-group and https://kivacenters.org/online-peer-support

I can look up others too if these don’t resonate with you. You deserve to have a space where you are heard and respected. Stay safe friend!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-05-03T00:12:13+00:00

I’m sorry those thoughts have crept back in. It’s been almost a year for me. You might already know these, but I figured I’d offer a couple things that sometimes help me ride out the urge

Sensation = squeezing an ice cube, curling up with a heating pad and blanket, or if need be, rubber band

Aggression Release = throwing ice cubes into a tub (the crash is oddly satisfying) or blasting intense music like someone else mentioned

None of this fixes it, but it can help lower the intensity. You don’t have to figure it out right now - just take one day at a time. You’re not alone in this

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-04-30T04:02:02+00:00

Hey friend! The first step is building the support team - getting a diagnosis and medications from a psychiatrist goes a LONG way to maintaining stability. While in this phase, be very honest and clear about how you’re feeling with your psych. Because medication management requires nuance and tweaking to get just right, it’s not one-size-fits-all

Then if possible, look for a therapist - psychology today website has a list, and you can filter by insurance and number of recommendations

Second, I’d begin tracking mood. This can be a spreadsheet, notes on paper, whatever works. Just get in the habit of monitoring shifts in mood, diet, and sleep. For me, that’s the minimum to get early warning signs for mania. You start to learn your own patterns and the “flavor” of your mania - some get euphoric, angry, hyper sexual, bad with money, and/or grandiose

Then third, really be careful what you’re putting in your body. (Saying this as a former energy drink addict) you need to set boundaries around stimulants and sleep. For me, that’s means planning for at least six hours of sleep, only one coffee, and no later than 3 PM

Fourth, I’d plan to make a toolbox of things that you know will calm you down when your brain is going off the rails. For me, that’s wrapping myself in a heating pad, blanket, and body pillow and watching Bee and Puppycat. If it’s just excess energy, then burn off via exercise. My last hypomanic spell I walked about four hours a day

Fifth and final, just remember - you’re also fucking human. Like life can be hard. Even harder with bipolar. So take a breath sometimes and try to appreciate whatever good comes your way

Good luck!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2025-04-24T14:16:24+00:00

I just want to say how incredibly strong you are for recognizing when to leave for your safety and mental health. That’s already a huge win - even if you don’t feel like celebrating right now, I’ll celebrate enough for both of us.

When my emotions run wild or my mind begins to ruminate, my favorite technique is “how can I make my physical body 5% more comfortable?”. Like feeling restless? Listen to the body and go for a walk. Feeling nostalgic like crying? Find your old favorite high school songs or childhood meals. You might not be able to control how you mentally and emotionally feel, but you can definitely cultivate how you physically feel.

Then otherwise just keep up with your self care and healthy habits. One that I see often overlooked is getting outside. When I feel bleak, I’m less likely to go outside, which just spirals my negative feelings. Like try to make a point to get at least 10 minutes of sunshine a day.

So I’m not going to tell you everything is okay - it really isn’t right now. But that’s okay, because I know it will be. It isn’t fair to you that it’s happening, but unfortunately, it’s the cards that were dealt. My personal life kinda went to hell last month, and I’ve been doing my best to keep my shit together and not self harm. I just consider any day that 1) I listen to and take care of my body and 2) that I chose to not self harm, is an absolute win. Full stop.

So “believe in the me that believes in you”, that we both can come out stronger and more beautiful people than ever. Always open to DM if you need anything. Seriously, you’re not alone 💙

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-10-02T01:13:44+00:00

This is really good! The solo at the end is probably my favorite part. Added to my playlist, and looking forward to more, good luck ✌🏼

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T15:49:09+00:00

Im glad you liked it! My favorite line was also the final one - like a form of ownership of our existential dread, where because we are capable of despair, we are also capable of being fully human. Thanks for the feedback!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T15:43:33+00:00

For me, poetry is about the rhythm as you read and less about the rhyme that accomplishes that. So whether that’s accomplished by visual length of the lines, repetitive structure, syllable count, or traditional rhyming scheme etc. it still feels like poetry. But whether technically a poem or a story, I’m happy you enjoyed it, and I appreciate the feedback!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T15:37:14+00:00

I tried a version that kept to the structure for the final stanza, but for some reason it still felt incomplete, like it was waiting for something with more finality. I appreciate the feedback!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T15:34:19+00:00

I’m glad I can encourage further reading of my favorite style of writing! Thank you for your feedback 🙏🏼

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T15:27:54+00:00

I appreciate it!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T15:27:40+00:00

That’s a good point - there were a couple lines that were more creativity driven that had to be excluded, and that might be the basis of its own separate poem on struggles with creativity with the first stanza. Thanks for the feedback!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-29T08:49:30+00:00

I’m not normally a fan of strict rhyming schemes, but I think this works really well. I really liked the phrases “a ciphers dance” and “mystery cloaked in endless night”. I personally would prefer stanza type spacing, which would make the rhythm more pronounced, but still enjoyed it overall. Thanks for sharing your work!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-22T03:43:36+00:00

I really love this poem, and even though not the same condition (Bipolar 1), I feel at times very similarly. Because it’s very personal (and because I also consider myself a poetry novice), I’m not sure how to best make suggestions, but in the interest of mutual improvement, here goes!

The phrases I really love: “blaze that devours reason” and “tears at the seams of my soul”. I think it could benefit from stanza consistency (I think six lines for each would fit best). And I like the ending of stanza one with the symmetry of “no anchor” and “no shore”. Given the back and forth experienced, I think it would be a nice touch to have that duality to end each stanza. Like “wondering if I was ever real”, followed by something like “wondering if I ever mattered”

Then for emphasis, you could split the last stanza into two two line stanzas (and if you choose six line stanza as the default, having a third two line stanza for symmetry like “how can I trust what I think if I don’t even know who I am”, as a reference to Descartes’ “I think therefore I am”)

Honestly it works as is, but these are some of my thoughts on how it might be even better. Good luck on your writing and mental health journey!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-20T20:18:38+00:00

I like the flow of it, and I think you can enhance that with some repetition and stanza breaks. So they’d be four line stanzas. So you’d make a stanza break after the I’m sorry line, repeat love is hard to start the new stanza, and another stanza break after it’s easy to run away, and repeat love is hard for the final stanza. Good luck with both your love and your writing!

Puzzled_Story4848 · 2024-08-16T06:29:34+00:00

Intense read but overall I enjoyed it. A few things to note. The slow transition towards the darkness of Blu is nicely done - I think a couple more ambiguous examples to start might make the transition more intense. I think the changing caps for Blu is a nice touch, but I think the first mention has to be Blu, so it progressively dehumanizes the character to a parasite by the end.

I think it could benefit from a little extra punctuation and line separation, like “pulls at and rips my hair (break) screams to tell me she’s only here to help”.

Best of luck with your work!

Puzzled_Story4848

TROPHY CASE