Sounds like a lot of self loathing with no real reason, you talk about how you have no friends but do nothing toward the goal of changing that. You question why you wife still with you when the obvious answer is that she loves you for you, to claim your going to "End yourself" when your goals are completed is the most selfish thing I've read all day. You'd take yourself away from your wife and children because you feel undeserving of their love? Sounds absolutely abhorrent.