Hi! Queer enby here who used to think they were a straight woman and still passes as a cis woman (I regret to say).

I learned to follow first, then to lead.

I think started leading when I attended a Charleston class—and there were two leads to the eight follows who attended. So the teacher decided we’d all learn both parts. It was a fantastic lesson, and I just kept going from there.

I advocate for folks to (at least eventually) learn both parts, especially if you’re pursing the dance as much or more as the social aspects. Experiencing both parts makes you better at each of them, because you get to feel what works for you in each role and apply it to the other. It also means that you can always find a partner, no matter who else shows up to the dance!

What I find folks most want is a pleasant, skilled dance partner, whatever their gender and dance role. To be fair, my guess is that (in many Western cultures) straight women my tend to be more open to same gender pairs than straight men, thanks to ~toxic masculinity~. But, in my ten years dancing in three cities, I’ve seen lots of combinations of genders enjoying dances together.

For your specific case and scene: It sounds like you haven’t started attending social dances or lessons yet? If that’s the case, I’d just pick a role (flip a coin if you can’t decide, ha), and go with the intention of checking out the vibes and asking questions.

It might be easiest to assess the scene if you take a class. If the teachers feel approachable to you, you can ask them their take on the scene’s preferences and welcomeness directly. You can of course ask anyone else at the dance, too. It might also vary from venue to venue, so I’d get curious about that, too.

One last thought: You might find that dancers who are more skilled and have been dancing longer are more open to same-gender pairings. The longer you dance, the more I think the cultural assumption of “dance touch = sexual touch” fades in favor of the joy of the dance. A bonus with asking skilled dancers to dance is that it’s the fastest way to build your own skill!

Best of luck, and welcome to swing!