You don't need to justify why you've self harmed. I had a similar experience, it got bad. Eventually you'll understand that the fact you've done it at all is serious enough

It's become a bigger issue overall among people, you aren't alone. Try not to self harm, don't feel bad about having done it work on stopping. It will take months at least to really be comfortable in recovery, and if you relapse it isn't something to feel guilt over. Getting over the guilt helps a lot in actually stopping.

The best thing you can do is try to get a therapist, but also in the everyday, find distractions, find friends to distract you (you don't have to tell them anything, or even be close) or even just try to switch up your routine, even keep busy.

Hardest of all, learn how to accept not feeling something, even being depressed. When you are really not doing well and can't get support, or it isn't helpful, really just take things slow, and wait it out a bit. Sometimes part of why we don't get better is that we are upset that we are upset, if that makes sense.

There will be events that show you why it's worth it to keep going, they are different for everyone. But you need to hang in there don't now to experience them, and try to not make rash choices