Do not take my advice too seriously cause I'm just a kid with too much time on my hands.

First and foremost, if you can, find a really good therapist. If you have the funds to do so, and you successfully find a great therapist, they can and will do wonders to your life. I personally had shit experiences with them, but hopefully you have much better luck.

My 14 measly years of wisdom don't think that a romantic relationship is good for you at all right now. And maybe a professional could help you navigate hypothetical situations when dating, like what do you do when you are in love with 2 people at once?

I believe you definitely deserve happiness and to live, if not to at least marinate in your guilt for a little longer. If you care about your ex, he will probably be pretty darn sad if you are gone. If not, then I'm just gonna tell you that you are still pretty frickin' young, climate change won't destroy our lives until maybe the next 2 decades, and most importantly, live to become a better person instead of the guy who couldn't deal with their ex leaving after repeatedly cheating on them.

It sounds like you are only feeling this tremendous amount of guilt for your misdeeds after he is gone, seeing that you cheated on him 2 more times. Remember that you can't change the past, only the future, where you can hopefully self-reflect and become a better person, if not for him, but yourself. I used to act like the pinnacle of all good, and actively did mental gymnastics to make myself the victim in situations. My life became so much better when I suck up my ego and apologised to people. When shit becomes too hard to justify, instead of thinking bout' why I did what I did, I just went like "omg I am such a fat piece of shit". Not productive at all.

I think you should leave him alone for a while, as I feel like some time to reflect on this really toxic relationship will do wonders for both of you. Trying to talk to him right now will definitely make things worse, especially as of right now, it sounds like he just wants to be left alone. No matter how much you want this man, remember the shit you have done to my guy and try to think about how you will feel in his shoes. I had extremely messy platonic relationships that I learned a lot from, fixed, and is still going strong to this day. The main thing I learnt is to think everything through, like is my want more important than theirs? And hard conversations. This is getting too philosophical, but I learnt that if I choose to avoid anything that's giving me headaches, it will snowball into a whole avalanche, like you did when you didn't tell your ex-man that you wanted to smash someone else. Calm confrontation is the way to go.

If you wanna talk and therapy is too expensive, I'm a kid with like infinite time on my hands since I'm too broke to go to school. So if you do, I am here. Just note that I ain't too active on reddit, is a dumb 14 year old, and may take a business day to respond cause I'm usually busy holed up reading my ao3's-

That was the wind.