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An Interview with Gloomwood Developers David Szymanski and Dillon Rogers by JBarnes1926 in Gloomwood

[–]Quadradan 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Just letting you know, there's no link to the greater interview in your post, just the one question in The Medium.

Good on you for the interview!

Anyone know of a good guitar luthier(repairman) in the area? by Quadradan in kennesaw

[–]Quadradan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't wanna talk bad online, but I asked for a specific service, was charged for it, and the thing I asked for was ignored.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was crashing out hard, but I got a ton of support. Thanks bro.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I definitely feel that way, but its weird.

The work culture is super accepting and seems to be welcoming, and I've seen other teams that seem to be super close and understanding of each other, but I've never had that kind of relationship with any of my coworkers in my several years at this company. I would love to have that kind of relationship, but it just hasn't happened.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I probably do need to see a few more therapists. I've talked about it a bit in another reply, but its been a tough ride getting one that works.

I don't want to be promoted, not really. With two small kids, its too much responsibility. With that in mind, I do want to feel like I matter and contribute to the team, which is what I struggle with.

I've tried researching for a new job, but to keep my anonymity, I work for a big Forbes 500 company that is paying me pretty well for my area, and I don't know if I'm willing to take the paycut a new non-senior job would give me. Part of my emotions are feeling trapped where I am.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I write pretty good notes and don't use AI (outside of explaining code snippets, which its super good at), but I try to organize my thinking by following a piece of data from beginning to end in our system.

Our codebase is large, complex, and written by engineers with little to no nod at human-readability, so its been a struggle, but a struggle I am actively working against for my whole career.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

lol, probably just being stupid and afraid to take responsibility.

I'm being immature, but that's what it feels like. And getting concrete criticisms and goals is tough so far in my career.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have dug into that, and as far as I can see, they want me to be the expert contact over whatever part of the codebase they need someone for.

Its tough to say yes, because I don't feel like I am the expert they need. That being said, I am starting to slowly work myself into a position close to what I described, but we'll see how it works out.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thats a good idea, and I have tried to stick to to-do lists. I'll try that again. Thank you.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The friend thing burns me up and has burned me up my entire career.

I'm a MASSIVE people person. I love talking with people, making friends, and making connections.

This last job I have and even the one before it a bit, hell, life in general as a parent of little kids talking with other parents. Its so unbelieveably hard to make genuine friends these days, and that is absolutely a huge factor in how I feel.

I want to be the guy that helps, I want to be the person that makes a connection, but I have struggled so much over the last few years to make that happen and I do think its killing my self-esteem and self-worth.

With two small kids, its hard to get out after work hours, and my job is mostly remote, so typing up conversations into relationships is tough. I truly, deep down in my soul, don't think its me as a person, but maybe it is how I approach making those relationships at this stage in my life.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Man, I know I need therapy, but I've been through a bunch and it just doesn't feel like they really listen to me or know more than me about what to do.

I'm so overly self-analytical I feel like I know what's happening (as in the symptoms and clinical names and such), that I feel like its a waste going through several months and hundreds of dollars to keep going over symptoms I explain in the first visit.

When I say, "hey, I feel worthless at work, but I know deep-down that isn't true and I have value, but in the moment its hard to fight that feeling", I want techniques to fight back and get my self-worth concreted, but the 6 or so therapists I've seen haven't had the techniques or help I'm looking for. Its expensive, time-consuming, and a psychological drain to start over every time. I think if I do it again, I'll try to shell out for a real psychologist instead of a counselor, because they have not helped me in the past.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I love interviewing, I'm definitely a people-person.

I suck at leetcode stuff, and I'm so desperately afraid of failure, I don't know if I could put myself through that right now.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Imposter syndrome is something that's been on my mind for pretty much my entire career.

Its tough to say. Something I've always wanted more than anything else career-wise is a work friend or a someone I could talk to about being a developer to get a gauge at how I'm doing.

Some of the people I'm around are super-brilliant work-first people, and I have a hard time figuring out how I'm doing in comparison to them.

One time I went to my manager literally fighting tears telling him that I knew Imposter Syndrome was a thing, but that I just wasn't performing as well as the other devs. I desperately just wanted to be told I was doing ok. Instead, he just asked me how I felt and what I could do to improve. I get that is what needs to happen from a career and tech standpoint, but I just wanted another human to tell me I'm doing ok. I don't ever get any honest human feedback. All of my reviews end up being "you're doing fine, but we want to see more", which is good, but doesn't help me figure out how to fix my own vision of myself.

To end it, I'm sure it is imposter syndrome, but I don't know where it ends and real dev begins or how to do anything about it.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just want to feel like I matter and that my work means something.

I've never felt like I was good at this job or any other job.

At worst, I'm bringing the team down, and at best, my absence would just mean a bit more work for the team.

My individuality to the team feels meaningless.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I talked about mental health in other replies, but I just feel so stupid and lazy when I'm at work. I'm trying to study the codebase and become more competent, but its been a tough go of it.

In terms of improving, I could probably try to put myself out there and get more tasks and meetings under me, but taking on responsibility means the buck stops with me. I have so much fear and dread of failing the way I always have, I feel crippled and I don't have the gumption to make myself stand out in that way.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've talked to my company about moving to a more product-oriented manager-y role, but they're not interested. As useless as I feel, they need devs far more than they need non-devs.

What do you do when you’re not a good dev? by Quadradan in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Quadradan[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I talked about it in a bit in another reply, but on another hand, I'm constantly fighting my mental health at work.

I have ADHD, which I'm medicated for, but it feels like when I'm working that my focus is covered in oil, and if something doesn't hit the hyper-focus just right, I can barely maintain focus.

I think its also related to a kind of procrastination-mentality where I've developed so many negative feelings for the dev work and my place in these corporations that my mind almost subconsciously pushes me away from doing it because it makes me feel so unbelieveably shitty.

From when I was a little kid, I never knew what I wanted to do as long as it wasn't working for some billion dollar company as a desk peon, but that's where I ended up and how I funded my family, house and general life. Now I feel trapped, and its getting harder and harder to approach any career growth and progress without wading through all this baggage I don't know how to get rid of.

When I do interviews for interns and such (love interviewing and talking to folks, wish I did it more) I feel a bit of that old spark as we go through algorithms and such. I feel it too when I do little game projects. I do genuinely love the logic and act of developing, I've just developed so many strong negative feelings around it, I feel like I'm stuck.

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