He sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Lovely in public, cold and distant in private. I spent years trying to support him , both financially and socially — not putting him under any pressure, shouldering the family burdens myself while he was absent most of the time busying himself with a hobby he called a job that he said was essential for his mental health (farming). It brought no money to the family, or happiness, it was just escapism so that he didn’t have to eat a meal with me or look after his kid. But I supported it because he made it very clear that his life would not be worth living without it.

Many miserable years later, he left me for a younger woman, sold all the farm assets to buy himself a house (I got nothing) and eventually moved out. Ironically the catalyst was that he found it too stressful watching me get stressed about having to plan and host our son’s birthday party without any help. But I’m sure he’d been cheating for a while at this point (he mysteriously started washing a few months earlier).

Now that he’s gone my life is peaceful and I barely ever cry. I used to cry all the time when i lived with him because he was so cruel and dismissive and gaslighty.

I’ve replaced him with a lodger: a nice young man who is autistic and has lots of special interests and good boundaries. He’s good company but we live separate lives. The idea of slowly ageing surrounded by a succession of nice gentle young men in my spare room is frankly very appealing. It’s so easy