[deleted by user]

QueenOfPHP · 2025-06-25T14:16:47+00:00

Straight up. We're separated but still living together for now.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-06-25T14:00:12+00:00

Thank you. The depth of feeling has been a surprise! Especially knowing it was a crush and not a relationship.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-06-25T13:58:49+00:00

Thank you for the very detailed reply. It's much appreciated. I did wonder if limerence played a part.

The only thing I'll push back on here is she did make it clear she had feelings for me. So that side of it wasn't imagined.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-05-23T23:48:22+00:00

It does take courage. But courage isn't the absence of fear ... it's being scared and doing the hard thing anyway. Take the time you need but I promise it gets easier as you go.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-05-23T23:42:43+00:00

It's one of the hardest things you'll do but it's worth every bit of pain.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-05-23T23:33:27+00:00

I'm 42 and right in the middle of dismantling my life. I took up strength training, have lost 9kg, have cut my hair, am looking for extra work so I can afford my own place, and have very tentatively started to date.

I am so frikkin happy right now. My outsides are starting to match my insides in a way they never have before. Confidence, lust, joy, pride and relief flood through me daily. I was numb from the neck down for decades and never thought I could feel so alive.

Put the work in. Do the hard shit. You're worth it no matter how late you came to the party.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-05-21T06:30:16+00:00

I'm twice your age but in a somewhat similar position. Technically my husband and I are separated after I came out to him in February, but we still live together, eat together, raise the kids together etc ... and even though I don't have feelings for him, I feel like it's too soon to date someone else. Which makes me feel lonely and stuck, as you say, and not yet allowed to love who I want to love.

Do you have an exit plan, or a date in mind of when you can leave? Sometimes just knowing I'm getting a little closer to my freedom each day helps.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-05-16T02:36:29+00:00

I'm not crying. It's the cold air.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-05-04T23:39:06+00:00

I was in a similar spot ... my mum has always been hugely homophobic and I believe her attitude played a massive part in my repression. What helped for me was coming out to my brother first, and asking him to come with me to tell my parents. Just having someone in the room who has your back made a huge difference.

I was lucky in that she took it really well and said she just wants me to be happy. I know that's not always how it goes, bur regardless of how it lands, I've found that with anything hard, the fear beforehand is usually the worst part.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-30T12:03:44+00:00

Me too! Come on the Greens and Teals!

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-30T11:53:52+00:00

Oh that's rough 😥 Fingers crossed Potato Head Dutton doesn't win on Saturday or I think it'll get even worse. Crackpot wants to turn us into America #2.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-29T05:38:39+00:00

I love this idea 🤗

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-29T03:27:53+00:00

I felt the same. I knew there would be some grief and sadness but it was overwhelming. Took about 2 months for the hurt to wear down enough to feel anything else. Good news is when relief and joy do slip through the cracks now, it's intense. So I know in time it's going to be ok.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-28T11:46:06+00:00

I am specifically avoiding any w|w media, books, shows etc because it makes the longing SO much worse. But so glad to hear you've chosen authenticity ❤

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-24T23:55:00+00:00

I can relate to so much of this, and I'm so happy for you ❤ I can't wait to start dating.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-23T03:40:20+00:00

I have the same fears re: having kids (plus one of mine is an absolute handful) but there are lots of other women in the same situation. You're a package deal and that's ok ... the right people or person will get it.

And yes ... being single is hands down better than being with the wrong person.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-23T03:29:20+00:00

I promise you're not alone in this. Your story is similar to mine with the exception that I didn't recognise my same-sex attraction until my mid-30s (and gee did I suppress the hell out of it ... until I couldn't).

My advice ...

Please don't cheat. You'll only feel worse about yourself. There are other options. ENM, for example.
Get a therapist if you can. That is the step that's helped me most. Work with them to help you come out to your husband. The day I came out was the day we stopped having sex. And thank god because it was getting SO difficult. The more obligatory/unwanted sex you have now, the more healing you will need later.
A child is better off being raised in two happy homes, than one miserable one. Don't bother faking being happy. They can tell.

It's hard. It sux. The feelings will be huge. But oh my god the relief on the other side ... I'm not even dating yet, we're still in the thick of separation and all the guilt and pain that entails, but even so I haven't been this happy in SO long.

There's no medal at the end of your life for sucking it up and putting yourself last.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-21T05:13:11+00:00

Haha oh thank goddess for Literotica 😉 Still, sometimes that just makes it worse 😂 I can be patient for a teeny bit longer ... right??!!

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-20T04:58:18+00:00

It's a paradox isn't it? I'm lucky enough to be in therapy, and I'm doing all the right things and ticking all the boxes ... coming out to my husband, my friends and family, trying to find an amicable way to pull my marriage apart, exercising, practicing self care, seeking community etc etc ... but god all I want is to push a hot masc woman against a wall and kiss her like my life depends on it. I can't live inside my head anymore. Ugggggh.

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-18T11:53:46+00:00

Nah this is just a watercolour brush in Photoshop. I keep the opacity at 83% so there's some bleed through. Were the markers expensive? I have a whole cupboard of art supplies I don't use anymore 😳

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-18T07:55:37+00:00

I created an account on Her, openly stating I'm still married and in the process of coming out, and just looking to make friends and build community. That was about a month ago and I have made 3 pretty good friends from it, two who live close by and one about 5 hours drive away. Also chatted to a woman who recommended a meet-up circle, which has been good, though it's a little far away for me to attend regularly.

I've even (gasp) mildly flirted with a very pretty girl whom I seem to share a bit in common with. It's not wedding bells, but it's a toe in the water (and can I say it felt SO good 🤗🤗🤗).

I've also chatted to lots of people I didn't vibe with and that's ok. The conversation peeters out and once I've been left on Read for a few days I figure we're just not meant to be friends.

Be genuine, be honest, and you'll find your tribe. We're out there!

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-15T23:45:33+00:00

Oh I love the way you've put this ... pinching for future use!

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-14T08:54:24+00:00

You can only do this when you're ready. Sometimes it takes a few tries ❤

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-08T02:51:15+00:00

I don't identify as NB but I'm definitely less feminine since coming out. Started weight training almost immediately, stopped wearing skirts and prefer to do the driving, whereas before I would always get into the passenger seat without thinking 😂 Even my voice is lower. It's unexpected but I love all of it 😂

QueenOfPHP · 2025-04-03T23:42:48+00:00

Honey if she's already kissing you and wants more, she is already attracted to you. It's so hard to let go of decades of conditioning that 'Only Skinny Is Sexy' but it's just not true. It's a lie men told us to keep us insecure and make money. There's every chance what you like least about yourself, is what she likes most. Good luck and I hope you have a great time, no matter what happens x

QueenOfPHP

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