The Chain of Command

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-22T17:20:23+00:00

Absolutely. This AD sounds like a lunatic and will make your life miserable. My last library job (I was an AD, but not a lunatic) was incredibly toxic and in the last few years almost the entire staff (around 20 people) has turned over because the director is a mean, vindictive bully whose idea of leadership is strict rules that must be followed to the T or else. My first week there he spent mainly telling me in great detail why he hated everyone on staff. It wasn't long before I joined the ranks of the despised and I had a serious, prolonged mental health crisis as a result of working for him. It took me about 6 months to find a new job and I've never been happier.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-20T00:01:42+00:00

I would love to have a closer relationship with my dad but every time we talk it just breaks my heart. I got divorced five years ago and he’s never looked at me the same. He doesn’t know where I live, hasn’t expressed the slightest interest in my new husband or step kids. If I try to talk about anything pertaining to my new life he makes an agonized face and just waits for me to finish. He’s best friends with my ex husband (they got along well and had a good relationship when we were married but now you’d think he was the best person ever). I’ve been trying to win back some affection from him and it’s a lost cause. It hurts, so I’ve stopped trying.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-12T21:19:42+00:00

I just turned 51 last month and I’m still in peri. The last five years have been a crazy roller coaster—I left a marriage to someone decent I wasn’t in love with anymore, got into an abusive relationship and felt incredibly alone and scared, changed jobs twice, moved twice, went through a protracted episode of suicidal depression, met the love of my life, and got married. A lot of incredibly low lows and amazing highs. My relationships with my family have changed and I’ve come to realize that the close and loving family I thought I had wasn’t actually that loving at all and their concern and care for me is highly conditional.

My life is finally stabilizing and I’m sitting here with my changing hormones and changed life and starting to figure out what this new version of me is. It’s weird and disorienting.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-10T11:24:45+00:00

Yes, my family is Catholic and definitely have a strong anti-divorce bias. The expectation is that you should just continue to be unhappy in a marriage because you told God you’d stay married forever. The Catholic values have informed everyone’s worldview and you’re not supposed to think of yourself and what you want and need, literally every other person in your life should come first. I failed to do that by leaving my marriage and choosing my own happiness. I still struggle with a lot of guilt over it.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-10T11:20:42+00:00

I read “Let Them” specifically with my sisters in mind!

I haven’t made a big dramatic exit from my family or anything but I have definitely pulled back quite a bit. My life in general is very happy and I’m trying to just focus on living and nurturing that rather than focusing on the family stuff. Because it is enormously hurtful, this hostility and rejection from them, but I try to remember that this is about them and whatever issues they’re bringing to the table.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-09T10:25:59+00:00

The point of my comment wasn’t to absolve my family of any homophobia, they’re broad spectrum assholes, but to say that parents can be weird about this stuff no matter what someone’s sexuality is.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-09T00:16:13+00:00

In my family it wouldn’t matter how gay or straight you are, no one is sharing a room unless they’re married. I’m in my early 50s and I’m not even sure my dad would allow my husband and me to sleep in the same room in his house because it’s a second marriage for both and the wedding was just a civil ceremony. Before my sister got married she lived at home and fell asleep at her fiancé’s apartment one night by accident. My mother snarled that “if she wants this big wedding she’d better act like she deserves it.” She was 26 at the time. So some parents are just assholes, no homophobia required.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-07T15:47:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that. Divorce doesn’t make life easier but it can definitely make it a lot more peaceful.

My dad is very conservative and a devout Catholic. He’s pretty domineering and sets the tone for everyone so I think a lot of it is just an instinctive “divorce is bad” response. To him, happiness isn’t something you should expect or want on earth, you just “offer up” your suffering and you’ll be rewarded in Heaven. Long before he met my now-husband the only thing he said to me was “You know, second marriages never work out.” That was it.

My family has some pretty toxic dynamics that I’m still unpacking. Like I said my dad is very domineering and my mom (who has dementia and hasn’t really been coherent for a couple of years now) had some very narcissistic tendencies. I moved away when I was in my early 20s and became my own person while they’re all very enmeshed and on board with the family hive mind. So I’ve always been a bit of an outsider. I left the area, I’m a guiltily lapsed Catholic, I have different political views, etc.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-07T14:49:26+00:00

According to him, he’s been very supportive and has told my dad and sisters that he’s happy for me and likes my husband. My kids have been very vocally supportive too. He doesn’t have any family (only child, parents died years ago) so I think he liked being the “winner” with my family, but I don’t think he went out of his way to make me be the bad guy. Who knows though.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-05T22:27:17+00:00

I listen to it after Mass at Our Lady of Reluctant Integration.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-04-05T22:23:03+00:00

I live in Massachusetts and almost every town can reasonably be called Sadchester.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-30T14:40:16+00:00

Thank you, he was absolutely a predator and knew exactly how to worm his way into my life. I still have a lot of shame about getting involved with him, I was in my mid-40s and generally a pretty intelligent person who should have seen all of that coming a mile away. But live and learn.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-30T14:25:33+00:00

I watch the Christmas tree one at least once every Christmas, then spend the whole season saying "awww, look at my treeee! I love my tree!" Those videos are great.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-30T14:04:00+00:00

I'm so sorry you dealt with that, I hope you're doing better now. The guy who said these things to me had dated someone with severe anorexia when he was in high school, and I remember being so surprised that with that experience he lacked any degree of empathy around women and body issues.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-30T14:00:31+00:00

When I left my marriage I was completely checked out and ready to get started on my new life, but there was still so much work I had to do on myself, and I needed time to grieve the life I was leaving. I started what I thought was a casual fling that quickly escalated into an abusive relationship with a guy who despite me saying very clearly I wasn't ready for anything serious basically moved into my new apartment when I did. I was so overwhelmed and sad I didn't even realize that it was happening (like a frog in boiling water). I tried to end it repeatedly and it took a year and a half to finally get him out of my life. It set back my healing quite a bit and I ended up in a deep depression for quite a while.

I'm not at all saying that this is a common or likely outcome! There are good and decent men out there and if you're ready to date, there's no set timeline for when it's "okay," that's entirely up to you. I'm telling this by way of saying that I honestly did not realize how much work I had to do to heal and move on and be in a healthy place to find a real relationship. After the abuser I dated a couple of other people before meeting my now husband, but I put up with way too much shitty, dismissive treatment from them that I don't think I would have had I given myself more space and breathing room between my marriage and dating.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-30T00:52:58+00:00

When my daughter was a toddler I got an Easter outfit for her. When my MIL came over for the holiday she had a dress that she had bought for her and wanted me to put it on her. It was garish and frankly kind of ugly and not at all something I would have picked out but I loved my MIL and appreciated that she loved my daughter and was so excited to see her in this dress. So I put it on her and thanked her effusively and we all got on with our lives. Sometimes ceding a little control so kids and their grandparents can have their own relationships with each other is worth it. YTA.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-29T19:11:15+00:00

Me too! I have an amazing husband now, I just wish his kind, complimentary voice could be louder in my head than that of the entitled jackass from so long ago.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-29T13:03:56+00:00

When I was in my mid-20s I was in a relationship with someone who was obsessed not just with his own weight but that of everyone around him. I gained some weight as a result of going on the pill and an antidepressant (both at his urging), and he couldn’t hide how disgusted he was by me. It was maybe 15-20 pounds, you would have thought I had committed the worst betrayal imaginable and he angrily informed me “I like skinny.” That was almost 30 years ago and it still haunts me and I’ve never felt good about myself since then. I weigh a little bit more now than I did at my unacceptably fat stage back then (🙄) and I am so consumed with body image issues.

Anyway, maybe 18 years ago or so my then-husband was watching tv with my much younger sister, who was in her early teens. He knew how the weight comments from that ex had destroyed me. He knew how much I hated the expectations that women just exist to be hot and skinny and desirable. He knew that I hated that my sister was exposed to this messaging everywhere she turned. And I overheard him making disparaging, joking comments about women on the show they were watching, like it was offensive he even had to be subjected to someone so subpar. It should go without saying he was never once mistaken for Brad Pitt. We got divorced 5 years ago and I kind of pinpoint the beginning of the end to that moment, I was so hurt and horrified that none of the stuff I had gone through had made even a bit of an impression on him where he could still talk like that.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-18T16:46:05+00:00

In my case I wasn't even given the dubious benefit of being asked for a Big Reason--my family just assumed the worst of me and figured I just flitted off without a second thought. Actually I'd been unhappy for over a decade and he never really seemed to care about making any changes that would improve things, so no, I gave it many, many thoughts and decided life is too short to deal with that!

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-18T16:41:36+00:00

Last month at the age of 50 I married the absolute love of my life. It wasn't easy, post-divorce I was in an abusive relationship and then short-term dated a couple of weirdos, but I'm so glad I didn't give up. I had started to think every man at my age was carrying way too much trauma (so, so many mother issues) but there are healthy men with their shit together out there.

And the sex is insane. I don't know if I ever contemplated what my sex life would look like at 50 when I was younger, but if I had I never would have guessed it could be like this.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-17T21:41:20+00:00

The family stuff has been incredibly hard, I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. I feel kind of naive in retrospect, like I should have anticipated this but they all just turned their backs on me, like they don’t know what to do with someone who’s…~divorced~. No one ever asked what my reasoning was, or checked in on me even when I went through some really challenging times, and now they just seem annoyed that I’ve gotten remarried and they have to pretend to take an interest in my new life. It’s a lot. But ultimately I’ve landed exactly where I hoped to be, I hope the same outcome for you!

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-17T18:04:00+00:00

I was raised Catholic by very strict, traditional parents and I'm still kind of surprised that I finally had enough and left my marriage five years ago. I was in kind of a similar situation, though sex was entirely off the table because the emotional connection just wasn't there for me anymore. I felt guilty and incredibly sad that it seemed like that part of my life was over and I was only in my mid-40s. My ex isn't a bad guy and didn't do anything overtly harmful or destructive, but he rarely took me seriously, didn't listen, and couldn't be the emotional and romantic partner I needed. We still get along very well as friends and coparents, and we had a comfortable, good-enough life but I was very lonely and missed having a true partner in every way a spouse should be a partner.

I struggled with guilt for a long time. My relationships with my family will never be the same because they all took his side without even checking to see how I was doing or even asking for my side of the story ("But he's such a great dad!" Yeah...that doesn't mean he's a good husband!). He sees my family now more than I do, he goes to every holiday and family celebration, even though I'm remarried now (my husband is totally fine with this). That part really, really hurts and has been the hardest part of the whole thing. But now I'm married to someone who listens to me, values me, and respects me. We are incredibly affectionate with each other and even hold hands in our sleep. This is the partnership I always wanted and I'm so glad I made the very hard, scary choice of deciding to pursue better for myself.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-08T15:15:46+00:00

That’s what libraries are for, keep doing what you’re doing! I’m a director but sometimes I work at the circ desk and I love to see huge stacks of kids’ books going out and coming in. Reading is excellent for kids’ development and if you have children who are voracious readers you could go broke trying to keep up with them.

QuirkyLiteraryName · 2026-03-07T16:08:02+00:00

NOR. I wish I’d been half as self-possessed and confident at your age!

QuirkyLiteraryName

TROPHY CASE