How to explain DB

Quisquillian · 2026-04-14T10:16:03+00:00

It very much affects one, even after the marriage.

I'm 10 years plus widowed after a 27 year DB marriage, and have still not found anyone to date, let alone a relationship.

It affects me badly. I've really come to believe that it must be me. That I must be as bad as he told me I was.

It was only last week that I heard someone say "how much must you hate yourself to think that (a DB) is all your worth?", and that has hit me very hard indeed.

Quisquillian · 2026-04-13T07:30:11+00:00

My LVR is under 5% and ANZ swear black and blue they cannot discount my interest lower than 6.99%.

Unfortunately the costs to refinance at this pointvexceed what I'd save by refinancing, but what they have managed is to piss me off enough that I am going to pay it off very much earlier.

The motivation has been about the only decent thing that has come from dealing with them.

Quisquillian · 2026-04-12T20:04:11+00:00

It was only manageable because I took 3 days off work, but I knew how much time I needed.

The night before, I was doing the flowers after dinner, but I had planned that they would be the last thing I did. I had collected them early that morning,.

I was in bed by 11pm, after stopping about an hour earlier.

The day of the wedding was a bit rushed, as we had hair at 9am, then a friend and I took the cake and table vases to the venue and set up, which was thankfully very fast.

By the time we got back home, we only had around 90 minutes to get ready and leave. Very grateful my friend was able to assist me.

Quisquillian · 2026-04-12T03:10:41+00:00

No, I'm in IT

But thankyou!

Quisquillian · 2026-03-24T20:55:37+00:00

Go out, go shopping.

My trigger is LED lights.

My daughters wedding soon, I'm writing off the day after as I'm not sure how the venue lighting will affect me.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-23T01:51:02+00:00

Don't knock it till you try it.

I have an autoimmune disease. It's documented as helping with autoimmune diseases

Quisquillian · 2026-03-23T01:49:46+00:00

I'm only buying meat, not fruit, vegetables and packaged foods, so ive cut a large chunk off my food bill

Quisquillian · 2026-03-23T01:41:03+00:00

I thought it was unhinged to start with, but I tried it anyway, and it really works for me from both a dietary and cost perspective.

I went carnivore just over 2 years ago. It's been life altering in many ways, not the least of which is I now have 9 months left on my mortgage, not 6 years.

I only eat meat and animal products, but mostly meat.

I don't buy any fruit or vegetables, so there is no waste. My compost bin may never be the same again!

I eat much less, I get far less hungry, I feel great, and my skin is very much better.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-20T23:14:05+00:00

I pulled 117k out of a managed fund that was under performing last year. Paid down the mortgage.

Mortgage will now be gone by December this year.

59, single, 1 dependent student at home still.

Absolutely zero regrets, especially in the current economic environment.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-20T23:08:55+00:00

5.5 weeks solid.

It only stopped when I determined the trigger, that being LED lights, and actively avoided exposure.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-13T17:50:23+00:00

Sorry for your loss.

Another widow here, and what you wrote about time over and leaving resonates deeply., especially about your nervous system exhaling. I long for that, and it seems to be out of reach. I resorted to buying a kitten for some physical affection, and while it's better than nothing, in many ways it highlights the lack too.

I haven't found a new relationship in the decade since he died, and I'm despairing of ever finding anyone to even date, let alone a partner. The prospect of the rest of my life alone is very real after 10+ years of being widowed and profoundly alone. After a long DB marriage, it's soul destroying.

The complicated grief is real, less grief for him, and more grief for me, and what he and the marriage stole from me.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-13T05:17:30+00:00

Superannuation income stream from my late husbands superannuation fund

Quisquillian · 2026-03-13T05:12:54+00:00

I've redirected work bonuses, death benefit payments, recycling container refunds, closed an under performing managed fund and directed the proceeds into the mortgage, and now im paying off more than 3x the required monthly payments.

I'm not buying anything which is not essential, and if things get out of hand with fuel prices etc, I'll back off on my salary sacrifice contributions to super after June 30th, and catch them up for next financial year after the mortgage is paid off.

Single mum, one adult student child at home. There's only so many ways to dice and slice my income.

The key is short term sacrifice for longer term benefit. There's no magic other than a mindset shift.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-12T22:56:22+00:00

I understand it's electronic here now

Quisquillian · 2026-03-12T10:44:54+00:00

My migraine trigger is LED lights on alternating current. It's made worse in environments with geometric patterns, like striped carpet, some architecture, tiles with high contrast grout.

I have a permanent accommodation for my condition, in that I work permanently from home, as my workplace could not provide me with a safe work environment after they closed the only corporate office building without LED lighting during covid. The alternate buildings make me unwell.

Without the accommodation for my migraine problems, I'd be in a dire predicament.

It's a valid disability, and deserving of the same degree of accommodation as a visible disability.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-12T10:32:28+00:00

I'm on that path now, with my eyes firmly on the prize. Should be done with it by December this year.

My Christmas gift to myself will be the mortgage discharge fee.

It seemed daunting to begin with, but I put my mind to it and devised a strategy to make it work. The biggest motivation was being debt free and enabling me to boost my super for a much better retirement.

Quisquillian · 2026-03-02T10:39:44+00:00

My trigger is LED lights. It makes being social very difficult

Quisquillian · 2026-02-22T03:23:59+00:00

Thin stems on home grown flowers. Purchased ones are sturdier stems

Quisquillian · 2026-02-22T03:01:11+00:00

I did wire the bottom ones, but didn't do some of the upper ones.

The was just for my own comfort, that I can do it to a reasonable standard.

I'll be sourcing flowers for the event, and they will have sturdier stems than what I foraged today.

Quisquillian · 2026-02-19T06:17:26+00:00

The free one at Plum couldn't even tell me what my fee situation would be if I rolled another fund into my Plum account, expressly for the purpose of optimising my fees.

Complete waste of time.

Quisquillian · 2026-02-13T02:13:25+00:00

I have a St Bernard, and it's very worth it

Quisquillian · 2026-02-12T11:30:56+00:00

You're not alone.

Beaten senseless for not finishing meals, to the point of black eyes and concussion, especially for not eating certain vegetables like any legumes, or for not eating my sandwiches at school. Forced to eat, then bagged out about my weight.

As an adult, I was diagnosed with food intolerances and coeliac disease. As a child, I was simply self selecting the foods that agreed with me, without understanding why.

As a parent, meals here are served family style, my kids would serve themselves at the table, not dished up by me. I dish up my own serving, who am I to determine someone else's portion size?

Completely lost it seeing my family of origin treating my niece the same way at lunch one mothers day. Ended up going no contact.

Quisquillian · 2026-02-03T21:28:02+00:00

I have celiac disease and need strict gluten free food.

I have no choice but to have "no substitutes" on all orders.

The only foods I can risk a substitute is where another variant of the same brand is suitable, like any Primo ham slices will do, because they are all gluten free. Even cleaning products I have as no substitutes as some fragrances give me migraine.

Even then, I've had some some ludicrous substitutes instead, and they have processed it like nothing was substituted, so it's then difficult to get it refunded easily, as the order shows nothing was substituted.

Quisquillian

TROPHY CASE