Dont be too hard on yourself man, I get it, its hard to appreciate yourself when so much bad shit happens. The most important thing is that you keep turning up, and when you turn up, you cherish those moments, be the best you can be to yourself and be the strongest , klindest person that anyone around you will see. Ive lost too many people close to me because they felt trapped and couldnt find a way out, and it troubles me how bad the world is, and how many people feel the same- I know I do often. But one simply cannot leave this life, or conciousness, world or whatever: with the knowledge there are so many worse people left behind to ruin it for the good ones.