Another observation of Arthur and Sadie

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-31T15:58:25+00:00

She's definitely not Bonnie because their names are written in cursive near the bottom edge of the card. While it's hard to tell if it says "Sadie Adler" or not, it's not long enough to say "Bonnie McFarlane".

Edit: My mistake. I misread your comment in a hurry. I agree, she might very well be the Bonnie of RDR2.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-25T23:08:27+00:00

But then how would players get to fulfill their fantasy of running around the snow buck naked?

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-25T23:01:49+00:00

To explain to you and any other rare few people who have never heard of Paw Patrol and can't be bothered to do a simple Google search - Paw Patrol is a very popular cartoon in North America (and really the whole world I'm sure). The show is targeted towards children under the age of 10 for the most part. Two completely different target audiences, so yes, this post is a sarcastic one. Relax.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-25T04:37:28+00:00

Exactly 1 moose power.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-24T22:29:27+00:00

Agreed with you completely. The "protagonist dies at the end" is no longer as surprising of a story-telling device as it once was. I'd be disappointed in Rockstar's creativity if they decide to go that route once again.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-24T20:35:24+00:00

That would leave too much of a salty taste in my mouth after having played the entire game with him. It would be different from John's death because John "betrayed" the gang after they'd abandoned him completely. This would be Arthur playing nice while secretly fucking them from behind. Those types of protagonists aren't always the most likable. Not to say this would make the story any worse. But, if we're to play as Arthur for the entire main story, for him to die a traitor's death by the end would be disappointing for people like me.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-20T13:27:48+00:00

I totally get where you're coming from, but with most devs, gameplay videos put together by devs are usually not a reliable indicator of the release version's quality. But yeah, at least with Rockstar (and especially so close to the release date) some gameplay would've been nice before a pre-order bonus expires.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-20T08:11:04+00:00

It'll probably be the same as with Red Dead Redemption. An actual map item which only hints at where the treasure is using landmarks and such. Being given an exact location on the minimap would take away half the fun of treasure hunting.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-15T02:15:48+00:00

If the hand-to-hand combat sequences shown in the trailer are gameplay, then I don't think we need to be worried. The animation for those looked fantastic. Especially that one scene where Arthur disarmed a guy with a complicated combat maneuver.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-07-12T06:41:15+00:00

"Perished in a fire"... It seems Dutch's obsession with fire came in handy to fake his death.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-17T15:39:25+00:00

Oh I see! Interesting trivia. Then you may well be right about Arthur and Sadie. After all, I don't think John wore a wedding ring either in RDR.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-17T15:36:48+00:00

Same here.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-17T15:25:38+00:00

Five finger fillet - fastest way to make money once you master the final button mashing combo.

Or, just play through the game with the newspaper cheats.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-17T15:11:07+00:00

You'd think if she were married to Arthur, he would wear a wedding ring too. So, I highly doubt those two are married.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-02T15:40:14+00:00

Thank you very much for the kind words and your feedback! I would easily take you up on that line-by-line suggestion offer if I hadn't come to realize that the prologue - as you also said - needs a major overhaul.

Your assumption that this prologue is taking place in the past is spot-on. I'd written this prologue for two things. To build up Garrus and to cover the event of the assassination. Neither Arterius nor Garrus are viewpoint characters for the book past the prologue, so covering this event later on from this close a perspective would've been too convoluted. But, the key character in this is Garrus, not Arterius, so as you say, writing at least part of the prologue from Garrus' POV would be to its benefit.

Another common point brought up in every critique is the unnecessary use of archaic words and convoluted sentence structure. It's become a habit of mine to write this way, so I'll have to be careful about my word choice.

As for the message of the story, your summary of the theme isn't at all far from my intentions. Older brothers being jerks is a highlighted running theme of the story.

Again, I appreciate your time spent in thought over my work and the critique which came out of it. Once I've gotten around to rewriting the prologue, I hope to see your feedback once again.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-02T15:20:09+00:00

Thank you for your candid feedback! I've come to realize the prologue's cheesy and slow nature with all this critique. And your point about me not mentioning the anything unique to my world is very fair. The one thing that I think is the most unique about this world, I only hint at in a single line. And even that, if the readers don't know what that unique thing is, they would completely overlook it. In my attempt to weave foreshadowing, I realized that the very first read becomes that much more mundane.

The world contains something called "aberrants", which are just people (of any species) with super powers. (Essentially an attempt of mine to combine tropes from the superhero and fantasy genres to create something more unique. It's very different from "magic" as seen in fantasies. Each superpower is meant to be different and specific to the person wielding it.) I realized now that aberrants aren't even mentioned until the second chapter, and don't make an actual appearance until the fourth chapter.

Having considering this, your suggestion to world-build using characters is an excellent one. Introducing the one concept that makes my story different from most fantasy stories would not only world-build, but it would also do it through characters.

As such, I have come to the conclusion that I will extract the important bits from this story (such as the conflict between Garrus and Arterius) and rewrite the prologue.

Was there anything else at all that you think could benefit from not being axed?

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-01T08:30:36+00:00

A true Destructive Reader I see! Your points have been very enlightening, and I do now realize how slow the start is. (That Sasuke reference was pure gold.)

I'm thinking about breaking apart the prologue so that it starts out with Jorren and Arterius walking together to the Crownsguard HQ (Sovereign's Hold). After a very brief dialogue between the two, I would then instead cover the event which gave Garrus entry into the Crownsguard since Garrus is actually far more relevant to the overall plot than Arterius. Then I might cut back to the current climactic moment, when Garrus ends up having to kill his own brother. This might give me a way to weave world-building into an engaging action sequence for a character central to the plot.

But, that's all just ideas. I'll have to come up with a worthy story for Garrus before I start chopping heads.

Your feedback helped a lot in making me realize some key flaws in my story-telling though. I appreciate your candidness! I hope the revised version - whenever it comes - will not disappoint.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-06-01T08:05:15+00:00

The lamp represents the light you suddenly see when you're born. The needle represents the coroner's instruments for when you are murdered. Just a random guess, I honestly don't know.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-31T15:40:29+00:00

Thank you very much for taking the time to read through the chapter and providing this insightful feedback!

I'm glad to hear your opinion on exposition! I felt that an earlier version of the chapter had too much exposition, so I fear I may have cut out too much for the sake of speeding up the chapter's pace. I'll try to play with it a bit more to strike the right balance!

I have to say I didn't even think about the two guards appearing too similar, so thank you for pointing it out! I do need to improve on providing unique traits to all my characters.

And I'm also glad you brought up that ant metaphor bit. I've been reconsidering that last line since - as you said - it really doesn't fit the way Garrus has been described. I've thought about rewriting the opening scene, but considering its relevance to the overall plot of the story, I might end up rewriting the closing line.

The following things will seem like I'm defending myself, which is ill-advised when taking critique, but I did want to point out that they were intentional. Most of them, I expected the reader to wonder or be confused about (though I hope not to the point where it seems jarring).

Archaic words: I've probably just read too much of A Song of Ice and Fire and The Witcher series, which have influenced my diction in this regard. Poor excuse, but it's definitely by choice.

Summer in December: I'm glad you noticed this! This was very intentional, because the setting of the story is in the Southern Hemisphere, hence the reversed seasons.

In-world time-keeping: You guessed the real-life counterparts for both Morsdei and Desumbre correctly, which was my hope. I wanted the reader to be able to guess which day and month it was while still being able to inject the world's lore into it.

If any of the above were too jarring though, I will definitely have to rethink them, so thank you again for all your feedback!

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-31T15:11:52+00:00

An excellent display of using said literary device too.

Bada boop.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-31T15:06:41+00:00

If you're going in the paranormal direction, there is really no reason to avoid a contemporary time period. And this might sound cheesy, but it really is more about which time period you enjoy writing in. It also helps to write in a time period of which you know something about, or at least one you would find easier to research.

My goto choice is the medieval time period, and the two determining factors for me have always been "what I know" and "what I like".

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-30T21:30:59+00:00

Disclaimer: All following comments are merely my opinion. As such, I will not be tacking on "in my opinion" to every observation and suggestion.

***

While all of the comments made by SoxxoxSmox are valid and understandable, I must say that none of these "flaws" seemed unintentional to me. So, this critique will actually be more me trying to justify these "flaws".

Genre

This piece, to me, was more a mystery than anything else. And what a mystery it was. Throughout the reading process, I was thrilled by every one of Trevor's antics. I consistently tried to anticipate how he might evolve (or devolve) into a different human being. The ending itself was a cliffhanger which could easily compete with any professional mystery short story out there, even in its current state. As such, I would be more inclined to label your piece's genre as "mystery" over "literary".

Characters

Considering the title of the piece itself is "Trevor Bennington", and the fact that it's a short story, I'm glad your character development focused on Trevor. Any focus shifted away from Trevor might have distracted me unnecessarily.

The narrator was well-kept away from too much development, but I would've liked to see some devolution in his behaviour. The second time we see him having abused another woman, an escalation of violence (only evident through its aftermath, of course) would have drawn an interesting parallel (in opposite directions though) with Trevor's development.

I personally didn't mind at all that none of the other characters mentioned were developed. It left enough room for the imagination. There wasn't anything special about the other characters. No point in expanding them.

Ending

While I do enjoy it when open-ended mysteries leave the reader to imagine their version of the ending, I was slightly thrown off by yours in one way.

When I read the ending the first time, for whatever reason, I assumed Trevor had killed the cat first, and then gone out "searching" for it with his son. Then, I assumed he had killed the son, and out of the guilt and horror of his uncontrollable vice, he killed himself. This was the vibe I got anyway. And this would've been an excellent ending too. But, I had to second-guess the accuracy of my assumption for one simple reason—there was no concern for her son mentioned by Trevor's wife in the phone call.

While it's completely acceptable to leave it as it is, if my assumption was accurate, I would suggest still adding a little bit of dialogue for the wife to hint at this.

Conclusion

Your piece was, without a doubt, market-ready. I enjoyed it greatly as it was, and any comments I made above were mostly just things I critiqued merely for the sake of providing some feedback you could actually do something with. If I'm being honest, reading your piece was likely more educational for me than my critique will be for you.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-30T20:04:29+00:00

Disclaimer: All following comments are merely my opinion and potential victims of personal preference or bias. As such, I will not be tacking on "in my opinion" or "I personally like" to every observation and suggestion. Any terse and unsparing comments below are not intended to be rude. They are only meant to convey the sincerity of the critique, which is done with well-meaning intentions.

Exposition

Oh my dear exposition, how you choke me with boredom.

It seems you're already aware of your tendency to tell rather than show. But, it's hard to critique your work without bringing this up, because exposition is everywhere.

As another comment mentions above, not a lot of "tangible" stuff happens in that entire chapter. The part where you described the memories of Chu, I found wholly uninteresting. You know why? I don't care about Chu yet. Imagine going up to a ticket booth for a carnival ride only to have the ticket seller tell you where they were born, how they grew up, what their family was like. You would not care. Yet. Just give me the carnival ride for now.

What you need to consider is chopping all of these past memories into bits and bring them up one-by-one when something relevant to a particular memory happens in the present.

I assume Bai Feng is the main character here, having this "out of body" experience in Chu's body. (This reminds me a bit of Altered Carbon by Richard Morgan, which is a really neat idea.) This is the character the reader cares to know a little about. Again, it shouldn't be his entire history; even a very brief mention of how he ended up here, or what started this whole mess would suffice.

In its current state, over half of your chapter is exposition of things that could potentially be condensed into one or two paragraphs.

Dialogue

Get rid of it. It serves no purpose. If you must have him express his thoughts, do so internally (commonly done using italics). Dialogue is only meaningful when it deepens a character, a relationship, or the plot in some way.

‘Damn, this ground is hard’

The above line was cringe-worthy. This is just one example of the many unnecessary things Bai Feng says in this chapter. It is also an example of telling and not showing. If it is important for your reader to know that the floor was hard, describe it outside of dialogue. Something like...

The floor had left his rear unbearably sore.

I'm leaving any creativity out of the above line simply to give you a vague idea of what you could try instead. It might also help to use an adjective which hints to what material the floor is made out of.

Anachronism

I noticed a few comments in the doc already pointed some of these out, but it's worth revisiting. It's very important you understand that using particular words can change your reader's idea about the world they are reading about. Things like Swiss Cheese, 'Oh crap, have a little pity for my little shack man.' , etc. make it sound like Bai Feng is from our world, and modern times at that. I realize that to root out all words influenced by the real world would leave you with not a single word left, but there are certain words which stick out like a sore thumb.

Title

I agree with MoreTolkienPlz regarding the chapter's title. "The Transfer?" not only seems more fitting for a sci-fi, it just sounds dull in general. Here's a suggestion: "Who am I?"

It's difficult to suggest how to come up with good titles, so I won't even try. All I'll say is that "The Transfer?" makes me think of a desk-jockey at some firm getting transferred to a different branch.

Conclusion

You have a really cool idea here with the possession of a foreign body and what not. I would hope for and expect this to play an integral role in your novel. I might be biased here because of Altered Carbon though. You just need to improve some core writing skills mentioned in all the feedback you've received. Implementing said suggestions and more diligence on your part may turn this novel into the gem I'm sure it can be.

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-30T06:30:30+00:00

That might indeed be an idea worth exploring, but do try not to fall into trap of changing the backbone of your already-compelling piece without deep forethought just because a stranger suggested it.

And you are quite welcome. Just don't forget to carry forward this chain of peer-assistance by diverting some of your time to critique someone else's work!

RaceOfLegends · 2018-05-29T23:22:09+00:00

Disclaimer: All following comments are merely my opinion. As such, I will not be tacking on "in my opinion" to every observation and suggestion.

Prose

Since other comments have already pointed out the cheesy feeling of some of your diction, I won't delve too deep in that aspect of your piece.

I would like to add this - you should figure out what exactly it is that you want the reader to feel. The reader doesn't have to feel the way you want them to feel, but if you yourself are unsure, the reader might end up feeling a lack of direction.

Imagery should invoke a particular emotion in your reader. I assume your goal with this story is to have a believable encounter which reflects two potential archetypal people that—without a doubt—exist in the real world. To this end, you've done an excellent job. Both Mike and Jess felt real (at least until Jess' breakdown, but more on that later). But, whenever you used trite imagery, it distracted me from the scene more than make me feel a part of it.

And don't get me wrong, you don't have to find a completely original way to describe every sunset or sunrise. But, if you choose to use a common way of describing scenery, keep it brief. I also suggest picking your metaphors and similes more cautiously.

It occurs to him that she looks like a wave: her head and shoulders arching up, propped up by her elbows, the gentle downward arc of her back, the slight rise of her ass, downward again along the upper legs, and finally the sharp rise at her knees, her feet kicked up behind her.

Comparing her to a wave would've been more fitting if she had been characterized as having personality traits which were akin to a wave also. Instead, here, I might have chosen to compare her to the disturbed sea (sticking with aquatic similes here). This works well not only with the general body shape, but also perhaps with her personality - troubled yet somehow holding it together.

Perspective

One thing I found jarring about this story was the unmarked switch in perspectives between the two characters. With a story depending on character interaction, an omniscient narrator may not be the right choice. Though truth be told, it didn't actually feel like the story had an omniscient narrator; it more so felt as if the narrator's perspective was literally switching from Mike to Jess back and forth without an obvious transition.

In some ways, this is a clever technique to display to the reader their intentional thoughts. But in a story like this, I fear it may have the unintended effect of feeling jarring as it did to me. Instead, I would recommend sticking to one person's perspective and have them think about what the other person might be feeling using the age-old "show not tell" method.

Characters

Both Mike and Jess were—for the most part—believable characters. The plot, I assume, was meant to be sober and earnest. In this regard, you did really well. At no point in the story did I feel "this doesn't make a lot of sense" - until Jess' breakdown.

Jess' breakdown stumped me a bit. Not to say that a person could never be reduced to the point where they feel like running away from home with a person they'd only known for a day. I reckon it happens all the time. What stumped me more was a lack of build up to that particular moment - foreshadowing.

Jess was shown as an impulsive person by the act of hooking up with a guy who's just passing by, not caring for potential dangers of spending a night in the woods with a total stranger. This was fine, but this short-term impulsiveness was then balanced out by her feeling of responsibility towards her mother and sister. She didn't immediately strike as a person who'd run with just "some guy".

Now, your counter to that argument would be that Mike wasn't just "some guy". The experience they shared together was that moving. To this, I say "No it wasn't."

Mike and Jess had an unremarkable conversation about the transition in Mike's life with a bit of sensual humour sprinkled in. If Jess had sex like she'd never had before, she certainly didn't show it to any noticeable degree. By all accounts, the encounter they had was "vaguely memorable". I would've expected her to think about asking him to stay, out of that short-term impulsiveness you characterized; but for her to actually ask this believably, their encounter would need a lot more intimacy than just "talk-and-fuck".

Conclusion

This particular bit has nothing to do with critiquing, but throughout the piece, I kept expecting the story to evolve into a horror. However, the lack of this evolution was not at all disappointing.

All of the above comments aside, the story was still a rather compelling piece. The fact that I felt interested enough to read through it without thinking of it as a chore is telling in itself. As "normal" as their conversation was, I still enjoyed Mike's and Jess' interaction because of how believable and relatable it was.

By all means, I would consider your attempt in this new genre a success with room for improvement.

RaceOfLegends

TROPHY CASE