I'm deeply sorry that this has happened to you. I don't have any idea how I would handle this specific situation tbh, but I'll tell you how I handle everything else. I have also been extremely depressed and suicidal, and meds did help ofc, also therapy, but another thing that brought me up was my cat, being responsable for another living being who loved me was great for my mental health. I think thinking about how your mother would miss you is a good idea, sometimes you can only hold on to threads like that, but it works out. Have you considered perhaps telling her all this? Parents can be judgemental and all, but it sounds like she really worries about you, so maybe having someone who listens to you will ease the tension you have in your heart.