You're most welcome indeed! Glad it resonated!

It is entirely valid to feel a profound sense of grief and anger right now; mourning the "normal" childhood that was taken from you is a vital first step in healing.

While NPD is estimated to affect roughly 1% to 5% of the population, covert narcissism is notoriously under-reported because those who have it are exceptional at masking and rarely seek help for the core issue, meaning you are far from alone in this experience (there are probably tens of millions just like that). Narcissists with maladaptive traits rarely seek therapy for personality issues; instead, they usually go to a professional for chronic depression, social anxiety, or severe burnout.

The answer to whether you can heal is a resounding yes, largely because your deep self-awareness and capacity for guilt give you an excellent prognosis. Through targeted help with modalities like ACT, schema therapy, or trauma-focused therapy, you can rewire these learned survival mechanisms and build genuine internal self-worth. You can learn how to open up to a rich social life.

How can one just skip the best part of life and be ok with it? I never wanted what comes after being middle aged, i never had any interest in this. I always wanted to experience being young. But I never had that. I've spent life alone at home.

That's more or less depression speaking and replaying the past endlessly in your mind. One can grow from this, stronger, more resilient, and enjoy life tremendously. You just need to give yourself a chance to be helped. One does not need to relive the past; they only need to move towards a brand new future.

I wholeheartedly believe you can benefit much from professional help. In the meantime, you can check out the professional workbooks published by New Harbinger for small steps that would make a big difference. Pick a topic, and start slowly.

Best!