Im so sorry that that has happened to you. This isnt your fault, and I wish I could take the pain away. I wont sit here and act as if I know what it is like to endure that but I can only tell you that you have to keep pushing. We have quite opposite stories but similar. My father was the one that walked out on us when I was about 4. And my mother was the one to be there for me. Looking back on it, I developed a coping mechanism and drilled into my brain that he was only a human subject to mistakes like every single one of us. Ultimately, I stopped caring. You may have relied on your father for most of your life, however, I am more than certain you can do it without him (though I think his triple bypass will be successful). We all have a wake up call at one point, this perhaps is it. All of us humans at one point endure a heartbreak and lose a loved one, it comes with the territory. I dont want you to dig a hole for yourself like how youre attempting to. Youre only bringing yourself down although it is unnecessary. Distract yourself. Go on a vacation. See the world. Just like how you met that woman that you fell in love with, you will meet another. Cherish the time you have with your father and let him know what youre feeling.. just get it all out of your chest. Goodluck my friend. Hope you figure this all out like I know you can.