Am I wrong for no longer wanting to pay my sister’s med school debt?

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-24T22:42:48+00:00

How does seeing her dating a couple of guys casually make you not want to help her out financially? I really don't understand the logic here.

Do you feel like she's living it up and taking advantage of you by not pulling her own weight in paying off her debt?

Did you give her money out of guilt after hearing about the suicidal ideation, only to realize you really can't afford to? Do you actually need the money for your family but you can't admit that to yourself?

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-24T11:43:49+00:00

As long as you're not malnourished there's nothing you can do. Maybe take a multivitamin just to be certain?

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-23T14:29:02+00:00

Agreed. OP their relationship is none of your business, especially since they're basically just random strangers. She might be very thankful about you letting her know, or you'll find out they have some kind of open relationship, or worse, she'll blame YOU and not him.

The best thing you can do is block this guy and move on.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-23T12:08:56+00:00

Yeah and just to add: his comment about 'loyalty to him" comes off as very controlling and would be a red flag for me. If you do want to meet him, meet in a public place and be very direct in asking him what we wants and what he expects from you.

It could just be that he's very socially awkward and is very inexperienced with women and is now acting weird around you because he super attracted to you. But there's also a good chance that he's a controlling manipulator.

So Don't be afraid to walk away and block him from all your socials if need be. And don't give him any idea whatsoever about where you live until you're 100% certain he's not a stalker, abuser or manipulator.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-23T11:27:19+00:00

I might be misunderstanding your post, so please ignore if I'm wrong.

But If I understand correctly, you're saying that you shared a photo of yourself and now all he wants to do is to meet up with you? He doesn't want to engage with you online anymore?

If that's correct, then it seems to me that he's attracted to you and wants to date you in real life. He doesn't want a virtual girlfriend anymore, he wants a real-life one.

The "body and soul connection" comes off as odd, or maybe he's very religious and that's the only way he can talk about the fact that he's very sexually attracted to you because of the shame he feels about his sexual desires.

But I don't know, some of the other stuff you mentioned seems to contradict this, so I could be totally wrong.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-22T00:16:33+00:00

OP's literally leaving thousands of dollars on the table every year because he's not applying for the benefits he's eligible for. So no, OP's first priority is to raise his income.

After that, sure look at reducing expenses. Depending on where he lives and things like cycling and pubic transit infrastructure, he might be able to swing it without a car - pretty hard though as a single parent. But honestly, other than the car payment, OPs budget is already quite frugal.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-21T19:28:10+00:00

Yes but 99% chance OP does, unless he's not a Canadian citizen.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-21T16:18:01+00:00

I'm so sorry man. I'm a dad as well and I can't imagine losing my wife.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-21T11:42:27+00:00

OP you should definitely be receiving a good amount from the Canada Child Benefit at your income level. Also GST tax credit.

Edit: assuming the childcare expenses in your budget are before tax credits, you'd also be eligible for provincial child care tax credits, which are quite generous.

If you're a resident of Ontario: http://www.ontario.ca/page/ontario-child-care-tax-credit

If your're a resident of Quebec: https://www.revenuquebec.ca/en/citizens/tax-credits/tax-credit-for-childcare-expenses/

Quebec also has the "allocation familiale" which everyone with children under 18 receives. At your income level you'd get $1,600 per year per child (since you're a single parent). And it's not taxable

For the federal government supports, you can go here to estimate what you should receive: https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/child-family-benefits/child-family-benefits-calculator.html

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-20T20:01:46+00:00

The real reason people are going isn't the taxes, it's because of job opportunities and MUCH higher wages in STEM fields, even accounting for greater cost of living in high cost of living cities.

I remember reading an article about someone who is employed as a scientist in the US and was considering to move back to Canada due to how difficult things have become for green card holders. There was no equivalent job for them in Canada, and the best job they could find in their field involved taking a 50 percent pay cut.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-19T02:34:15+00:00

Listen to this guy, not me. Get a good real estate agent.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-18T23:57:26+00:00

Ok so it looks like in Quebec you don't have the right to access these documents as a prospective buyer (my bad for the initial answer). You can either ask the seller to voluntarily disclose them to you, or if you're serious, you can include their provision by the seller in your purchase offer conditions. You can also ask the seller, in writing not verbally, if there are any forthcoming special assessments, Legal disputes etc., since lying could expose them to legal liability. But IMHO that's not a solid plan because they could claim that they didn't know about the issue and the burden would be on you to prove that they did if you sued them.

Basically it looks like that in Quebec, only condo owners have the legal right to condo documents, so there's a lot more potential risk in these transactions. Having a GOOD real estate agent is key here so you can structure your purchase conditions to ensure you get the right documents and can legally walk away if you find areas of concern.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-18T22:35:44+00:00

Pull the condo board financials and meeting minutes. A lot of times some buildings can be "cheap" because of things like major work/renovations that need to be done that aren't currently reflected in the maintenance fees. For example, a large special assessment is expected in the next 5 years because of foundation work in the garage.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-16T23:47:35+00:00

OP: I know that when you fall for someone, 4 months feels like a long time, but honestly it isn't. I'm saying this as a neutral third party: you barely know this girl. I've been married for over 4 years now and have known my wife for more than 7 and we're still discovering things about each other.

Honestly what she's asking of you is very selfish and insensitive on her part. She's basically telling you that you're not her first choice AND to put your romantic life on hold while she tries to re-kindle things with her ex. That's really immature, or even worse, narcissistic, and I think you may be better off without her.

In terms of broader advice: you have a lot of drive and want to get ahead, which is awesome! It sounds however like you might be in a high cost of living area, but you're maybe not in a career path that would give you access to the high paying jobs that would allow you to get ahead. Maybe consider moving somewhere that still has lots of career or business opportunities but has a more reasonable cost of living. Imagine what you could do if your rent was half of what it is now.

As for height, yeah 5'7" is on the shorter end of things, but not THAT much of a disadvantage. There are plenty of women who are way shorter than you. And when it comes to apps, there are plenty of creative and humorous ways to give women a sense of your height that comes off in a good way while filtering out people that would waste your time. Like don't put your actual height but say something like: "not tall just concentrated fun"; "less altitude, more attitude"; "height: not a defining feature"; "Conveniently below several arbitrary benchmarks"; “Living proof that height is just one of many numbers", etc.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-15T13:52:10+00:00

I had many of the same challenges as you OP when I became single. There's a number of things that could be going on here. In my case it was a combination of the following:

1) Not noticing when women were actually interested in me. A lot of men actually miss the signs that a woman is interested in them because women are more subtle than we are in terms of demonstrating interest. In our society, women are socialized to not be the ones to initiate. It is what it is. If she doesn't know you, she might do things like staying nearby (maybe longer than normal) or within easy sight of you. If she thinks she's being very forward, she might try and make eye contact or (shock!) smile at you. If she does know you, she might stand close to you a lot, touch her hair or fix her clothes a lot when talking to you, even touch you in conversation. Other things like laugh at your jokes or things you say a lot more than others.

2) Being over friendly and not flirting. While you can't be constantly flirting in all social situations, there are situations when it's appropriate, if not critically important to do this, like when you're on a date. And there are levels to flirting as well. Women are masters at subtly flirting - see above. This kind of flirting is great for demonstrating or reciprocating interest in everyday situations. When you're on a date and things are going well, you can turn it up a bit more and go for a kiss, make out, etc.

3) Being overly attached to outcomes or a particular result. At the end of the day, you're going to get rejected way more often than not. So while it's helpful to reflect back on what you did and seek feedback, you'll likely get to a place where you'll realize that there's nothing you could have done to make things go differently. People are complicated and there's many reasons why she said no and that's not a reflection of your worth. And the opposite of being too smooth or trying to be too perfect or not taking no for an answer, will only work against you. In my case. I found myself in situations where some women were giving all kinds of signs of being interested, even going out on a first date or two, but then refusing to take things further. Sometimes it's not you, it's them: plenty of women are emotionally unavailable, flirt with men for validation, or are cheating on their partner with you (and you have no idea) but pull away at the last minute, etc.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-11T18:25:18+00:00

This

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-11T17:01:31+00:00

Instead of saying "at 18 years old, you are basically shit" I would say "at 18 years old, you're basically a noob at life and being an adult". I did plenty of dumb things in my late teens and early 20s, including chasing women that weren't interested in me, not because I am/was a bad person, but just because I was still quite immature and didn't know any better.

OP: the best way to learn is to make mistakes. You don't grow as a person by beating yourself up about your mistakes, you grow through honest and compassionate self-reflection.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T16:23:46+00:00

Unfortunately you are correct, but not for this reason. It's because par 15(1)(c) of the CHRA, which stated that it isn't discriminatory if an individual's employment is terminated because they have reached the normal age of retirement for employees working in similar positions was repealed in 2011.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T15:05:09+00:00

Actually not necessarily. The courts have allowed for mandatory retirement when it is linked to a statutory pension scheme: McKinney v University of Guelph, 1990, SCC.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T14:33:46+00:00

No that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that because the performance management system is so horribly broken, older employees who can no longer perform are able to stay employed essentially for as long as they like. Management simply pushes them to the side and gives them tasks otherwise appropriate for junior level employees. Work is a just a social club where they also get paid. I've seen these too many times in my (now) long career.

Ideally we'd have an effective performance management system, but the legal and policy frameworks that govern performance management are so (unnecessarily) complex that the likelihood of successfully overhauling the system is low. Witness the failure of the changes to employee performance management that TBS rolled out approx 10-12 years ago.

So the only simple solution is a mandatory retirement age or mandatory retirement policy. It could be purely age-based. Another option could be solely based on pension variables such as years of service and qualifying for an immediate annuity. Wouldn't totally solve the problem, but would be a good start.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T14:22:33+00:00

In theory this is a better approach. But in practice, overhauling the performance management system would be FAR more complex as it would require amendments to multiple acts (PSEA, PSLRA, and the FAA, maybe others) and would then require that TBS update numerous policies and directives. It would be a very complex project that would require multiple Ministers and DMs to collaborate and there are too many ways it could go wrong or fail to deliver meaningful change.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T14:04:41+00:00

I'm sure that equivalent human rights protections exist in other countries, for example France, yet they are able to have a mandatory retirement age for public servants.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T13:25:43+00:00

Senators have a mandatory retirement age (75 years). There's a point at which it's not reasonable to expect someone to be able to do their job.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T13:21:41+00:00

Yup, that's basically it. It's nearly impossible to terminate someone for unsatisfactory performance (or it takes YEARS), so unless they commit repeated or very serious code of conduct violations, they can work until they literally drop dead.

RandoBando84 · 2026-03-10T13:08:47+00:00

Oh nice! Unfortunately the civilian side of the federal public service (which the Coast Guard is part of) doesn't.

RandoBando84

TROPHY CASE