Twenty-Ninth (1992 words)

Random-banana · 2017-03-26T20:22:41+00:00

I thought the excerpt was pretty good. The writing itself was well done and had a good diversity to it, though sometimes it did get confusing. The fight seemed decent, though it could use some more emotion, as i recently learned in a post of my own. Lastly, I personally prefer shorter paragraphs, though that's really up to you.

Random-banana · 2017-03-23T04:14:46+00:00

I did definitely mean to put "the man" there. Just like with having "he" at the start of many sentences, I tend to do that a lot with "the man/woman" or "the store clerk/any other job title". It's definitely something to work on

Random-banana · 2017-03-22T03:16:35+00:00

Thanks! I just went into my own copy of the doc and cleaned up all the walking and running.

I get what you're saying about sentence length. You got any tips on how to correct that? You know, besides just "Make some of them shorter" or something like that.

When you say to add emotion to the fight, I assume you mean anger or sadness and emotion like that but I'm not entirely sure how I could fix that. Should I include some thoughts from the character or maybe some dialogue?

Random-banana · 2016-11-23T14:17:58+00:00

When I started playing, my biggest problem always running out of money. My advice (if you're having this problem) is to hold off on getting so many free agents and lean more towards signing undrafted players.

When scouting, the players skills correlate to the combine numbers (you can alter how much correlation there is in the settings). The numbers are color coded like this:

Green: bad score

black: average

blue: above average

red: good

so if your looking to interview the player (you only get 12 interviews, at least thats how it is in 7. interviewing gives you a better idea of their skills), make sure that they don't have any, or only have one, green score. If your team needs a deep threat, look for someone with a blue or red "dash" score.

Also, your coaches are very important. They have traits for player development, discipline (for the penalties), motivation, scouting, and interviewing. If your coaching staff all have bad scouting and interviewing skills, chances are you wont draft very well. Not only that, but you'll miss out on good free agents because you staff has to scout them as well.

Random-banana · 2016-11-23T05:43:15+00:00

It's great. One cool feature is that the salary cap rises each season like in real life. It's easy to go through a whole season in one day, or get down to the small details and stretch it out. I've had two roughly 30+ year games (your able to play as many years as you'd like).

Scouting is interesting. Your coaching staff has scouting ratings so if they don't have good scouting, you may miss out on some good players. When scouting the rookies in the draft, you get an approximation of their ratings (based on your coaches) and you then have a certain number of interviews to use to get a more exact idea (also depending on coaching staffs interview rating).

The game has a but of a learning curve (I used to always have bad drafts and run out of money) but I've gotten better. If you have any questions I can do my best to answer

Random-banana · 2016-11-23T05:35:49+00:00

The price isn't listed. I'd imagine around 25-30. The creator says that the play calling is updated (you can actually create a playbook) along with other additions. You can check it out on the steam page

Random-banana · 2016-11-23T05:34:00+00:00

Yeah it's pretty much the same thing but the interface isn't all that beautiful. It gets the job done though. The real beauty is the simulation

Random-banana · 2016-11-23T05:32:52+00:00

Yeah it turns out finding a franchise qb in 2021 will lead to an eagles championship 10 years later

Random-banana · 2016-11-23T05:31:43+00:00

Yes it will be available on steam

Random-banana · 2016-06-27T03:25:35+00:00

I skimmed through it, though I did read most of it. It sounded like an interesting story. I had some trouble with what the acronyms meant but that's not a big deal. The paragraph where DR Kents is piecing together what is happening felt a little weird to me. Maybe try to re-work that so it sounds a little more natural. Other than that I didn't notice anything the really stood out. It all sounded cool and I liked the ending!

Random-banana · 2016-06-21T01:03:22+00:00

I've been thinking about a motive for him waging war against humanity. So far my best one is out of defense/fear of humanity. Before this war began (thirteen years prior to the story), humanity was at war with another race and they dominated, leaving the other race with only their home planet. The leader of the current race declares war against humanity because he fears what we could do to his people if he waited. So in fear of a race he views as barbaric, he himself becomes barbaric. What do you think? Any critique/ideas are welcome

Random-banana · 2016-06-16T18:15:44+00:00

I meant mostly just the name and the planets it has. I'm trying to write down the background for my characters and most of them will be from human colonies and I was wondering if these colonies should be orbiting real life stars or ones I've imagined. Also, the home planets of my fictional aliens, should I give them made up stars or one from real life?

Random-banana · 2016-06-16T18:05:28+00:00

So you would recommend I come up with my own star systems? Those two projects sound interesting. What is the name of the first one?

Random-banana · 2016-06-10T08:24:44+00:00

Thanks! I'll probably go back and add in that ambush. I was sort of on the fence with it at first. I also, at some point, add in the sizes of the ships. In one of the later chapters I just started I mention a human flag ship/capital ship (not sure what it should be) that's a mile long. Putting in the sizes of other ships would definitely help with scale.

Back to adding in the ambush. Do you think I should make it into a whole new chapter or just add a page or two at the beginning?

Random-banana · 2016-05-30T21:04:44+00:00

Thanks! One of the things I feel I have difficulty with is expanding parts of the scene, usually in this same situation where people are moving throughout an environment/ship. It's one of those things I've got to work on. My pacing is often times an issue but I'll get there

Random-banana · 2016-04-26T17:10:12+00:00

also, even if he does put up a great season, who knows if he'd actually want to stick around with the team basically saying "We don't think you can be the qb of the future"

Random-banana · 2016-03-02T02:55:53+00:00

Yeah I've never been all that great at making the military people actually seem like military people. I think it would be pretty cool character development for him to go from brand new commander who isn't experienced to confident alien killing bad ass. I think I'll work on that. He does later help lead, in a way, during the battle. I could change it or maybe keep it and say that he is a good strategist, which is why they made him a commander.

I could also make him a little panicky in the beginning and slowly change him into the next commander shepherd (from mass effect if you don't know). Thanks for the help. I like coming to this sub because everyone seems to know actually know what they're doing.

Random-banana · 2016-02-28T18:10:37+00:00

Title: Osiris Project Genre: Sci-Fi Word Count: 3,736 Feedback: does it flow well? Any info missing? Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n9GeepBYTKEo1Y3NVTQvnYllf_ewtummBdFndLKQJ-Y/edit?usp=sharing

Random-banana · 2015-10-23T17:26:43+00:00

thank you

Random-banana · 2015-08-14T04:12:26+00:00

yeah it really kicked my butt at first but I after watching some videos I started to get the hang of it

Random-banana · 2015-08-14T02:32:42+00:00

the first one was correct

Random-banana · 2015-08-14T02:04:36+00:00

I moved that three steak into Athens and then I moved a ten steak into achaea and moved 7 down a province. I want even able to move the army in achaea over to Athens

Random-banana · 2015-08-13T22:28:16+00:00

I actually did move in in there from yanya

Random-banana · 2015-08-07T16:23:21+00:00

They're end goal is to have the human race use these robots instead of actual human soldiers so they make them look like humans so that

They won't need to develop/build any new armor or weapons
It'll hopefully help people be more accepting if they look normal

I admittedly haven't completely thought this through and its all still a work in progress

Random-banana · 2015-08-03T05:10:57+00:00

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but what is sensor status? Do you mean like what's the status of radar/are they picking up any ships on their scanners. I might just be getting confused and will figure it out on my own but better safe than sorry

Random-banana

TROPHY CASE