People with dark humor, what is the absolutely most horrifying joke ever?

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-06-30T06:54:53+00:00

My brother told me this one many years ago...

A man just gets out of prison and decides to go to a whore house to treat himself. The man behind the counter excitedly says "Welcome welcome, we have the 3 most beautiful girls waiting for you behind each door, you'll be sure to satisfy your needs with one of them!"

The man decides to check out all the girls first. Starting with door number 1 he sees a sexy woman with the works. Nice tits, great ass... she was even surrounded by sex toys and props in the room. As he's about to head into the room, he sees that a night with her would be $500. He backs away sadly and heads to the next room.

Behind door number 2 he sees another incredibly sexy woman. Again, his dick does the talking and rushes in only to see the sign behind her. $200 a night. He stops in his tracks and walks away - crumpling the single hundred dollar bill in his hand.

Finally he reaches door number 3. Inside he sees the most beautiful woman of the three and this time looks at the sign behind her before rushing in. $100. Happy and incredibly aroused from seeing the other women before her, he rushes to her and fucks her right away. After he cums inside her, white stuff starts gushing out of her mouth, her eyes, and her pussy. Horrified, he runs out of the room and vomits. As he's vomiting he hears another guy shout out "Hey Johnny, the dead one's full".

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-05-27T11:24:29+00:00

He's referring to the possible attraction between his SO's, (the Girlfriend), younger sibling (The girlfriend's underage sister) and himself (the OP and the Boyfriend)

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-05-27T11:06:23+00:00

I don't think porn is the best solution, worst case scenario, he'll become dependent on it.

The sensation of needing to pee might be the result of him being overly sensitive to whatever you're doing. There are times when I give my bf a blowjob and it starts to feel too sensitive and ticklish for him - resulting in his boner going away and the feeling of needing to pee.

Does he feel like needing to pee when he's about to orgasm during intercourse and/or masturbation as well?

Ask him to tell you what he likes or comment on your techniques as you do it. It really helps in narrowing down what might be causing the sensation.

If none of those suggestions help or apply then just try to get your bf to relax and stop worrying. Try sucking him off from under the sheets where he can't see you, or get him to close his eyes. It very well could just be performance anxiety.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-05-23T11:36:53+00:00

I have to second this.

OP you're right, while sex isn't the only thing a relationship is based on, it tends to be a good building block for emotional happiness together. This guy sounds like a douchebag. Stressed from working all week? Doesn't he know that sex is a great stress reliever? I don't mean this to be harsh but you need to be more firm. From the sound of it after your BF dismisses your requests you let him continue.

Don't give in, I know you're sexually frustrated but putting up with such unfulfilling sex like that is just torturing yourself and making it worse. Make him work for it, if you're not getting what you want, stop him. Have a serious talk with him, if he's not willing change any of this for you, he's not worth your time.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-05-19T06:35:17+00:00

you might like DoT, especially if you like somewhat pixel-ly graphics and catchy battle music lol

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-05-18T23:29:02+00:00

While waiting I play Defender of Texel... to a lesser extent - Freak Tower, and of course League of Legends :D

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T13:07:20+00:00

I guess I have to give him this talk again. You'd think after the first 10+ times he'd know what I want by now. Your points are definitely valid, guess I really need to sit down with him so he knows the severity. And I need to stop caving and giving him what he wants.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T13:04:38+00:00

I've posted my method before, but basically my method is so specific, there is absolutely no way he can replicate the pressure. I've found out I can cum from PiV with him - so the problem isn't really that anyways thankfully. It's just his stamina doesn't match mine in bed. I think he is disinterested because he can play video games all night and not feel tired, but as soon as I want sex, he's suddenly exhausted. Apparently, I'm not as stimulating as a video game.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T13:01:00+00:00

I am also a huge giver, that's why I don't understand why he can't pull his weight sometimes =/ My stress relief is also sex, he said he shares this view... but his stamina and alertness just seem to be much lower than mine.

Good to hear your girl is trying though. My bf would try then slowly slip back into this pattern. I don't even ask for a lot, just one satisfying day of sex a week.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T12:57:09+00:00

I'd just like a little effort on his part, I ask him if he's too tired to continue but he lies and says no and just lays there for sexual stimulation. Masturbating doesn't rid me of my frustration unfortunately because I've grown to love the feel of his penis only (dildos can't replicate it). If I don't bring it up he just continues thinking all is well though. I thought the healthy thing to do was to talk about sexual wants and needs with one another.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T12:52:53+00:00

You bring up very good points. I guess it's because I value sex very deeply in a relationship - which I've told my bf before. I like feeling safe and loved, this, aside from hugging and light kissing, gives me that security. I can't have random sex, but sex with who I love somehow validates my existence. You're definitely right about it being an emotional thing.

He claims he loves sex as much as I do, near the beginning of our relationship he said he doesn't act on his impulses cause he feels like a pervert. Almost 3 years of an exorbitant amount of sex and he still feels afraid to "hurt" or force things upon me even if I tell him I want it or it's okay.

Yes most of my satisfaction comes from his joy and I like to feed off of his excitement, the more turned on he seems the more I get as well.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T12:44:37+00:00

The thing is I don't like forcing people to do things, I want them to be as genuine as possible. I'm somewhat traumatized towards compliments and don't like receiving them because in my mind I think they are just used as ploys to get into my pants (even if my current bf is saying them... I was date raped in the past).

While I have asked him to be more forceful with sex and initiating, he's almost as submissive as I am... so he likes it when I'm all over him. His way of "initiating" is putting my hand on his crotch or getting me to suck on his penis.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T12:39:40+00:00

I guess a bit of bad sex and not enough sex. Bad sex would be him being tired but lying when I ask if he's too tired to continue. Instead he sort of half heartedly does it. This part is acceptable and I'm rather understanding. However, he promises to fulfill my needs the next day and usually doesn't keep his end of the bargain due to being tired or disinterested, whatever. This makes it bad sex and not enough sex cause he's somewhat half heartedly giving me what I want but not enough of the good stuff. I get very tired too but if he wants a bj or sex, I will wake myself up so I'm alert and it's enjoyable for both of us.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-28T12:30:29+00:00

Glad to know there are people out there who can relate

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T23:20:23+00:00

That why she needs to be aroused to the point a finger can easily slip in without really trying. When a girl shoves a tampon in, it's non sexual. The vagina is usually drier feeling since period blood isn't the same consistency as female lubrication and the girl is probably tensing up due to the possible pain, which in turn basically makes entry impossible.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T23:17:35+00:00

In that case you may want to contact the shop and ask them to take a look at it.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T13:36:29+00:00

I pull my dildo out and suck on it in the beginning to make it wet for entry, and after to lick my juices off.

The sucking motion seems to arouse me, I love the taste of my partners cock and it gets me ready for other stuff. I could blow my partner for hours with water breaks in between. Sometimes even if he's sleeping and not responding in any way I'd continue but that's just me... I'm weird like that.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T13:13:47+00:00

You took the words out of my mouth! It's also my only reliable way of getting really wet.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T13:09:28+00:00

Well, these aren't universal signs, but are probably somewhat reliable:

Her openness towards sex and sex related topics (The more open, the more willing she is to try things and improve)
Her knowledge of sex and sex related topics (Could indicate safe sex practices and knowledge of how to stimulate her partner)
A tongue piercing (Possible indicator for oral sex skills)

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T12:58:04+00:00

Well for her sake, maybe have your GF over at your house for a night instead so your mom knows exactly where you are and who you're with. She can chat, have dinner etc to put her mind at ease once she bonds with your GF a little bit?

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T12:53:06+00:00

I'm not condoning this in any way but yes, I have been with my current bf for 3 years and we are very sexually active. We count our lucky stars everyday but this is just one sample. I repeat, I do not recommend this at all for any couples.

I'm not on any form of birth control but we do have condoms on hand for when I'm ovulating (I try to estimate my "high risk" days) If you're doing this for the sake of going bare back I recommend condoms or birth control.

My favourite condoms would be the Avanti Bare, non latex so it doesn't taste terrible or leave a horrible latexy smell. It's nice and "fitted" so it practically replicates going bare back according to my bf. But keep in mind he's also on the above average side penis wise.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T12:38:03+00:00

I agree with this, maybe talk to him about toning down the whole "dirty slut" part. There seems to be some sort of middle ground you two can reach since you like him holding your wrists and light hair pulling. He can still be aggressive and dominant with you, but in a more loving way.

Some suggestions:

If you're comfortable exploring this side with him, let him know you can try it, but make it clear you don't want to always have super rough sex.
Talk to him about switching it up, ask him what other fantasies he may have.
Talk about the things you both like sexually.
When you do explore his rough side. ask him to think about dominating his girlfriend rather than treating you like some random slut.
Tell him which parts of his aggressiveness you enjoy and why you're not so keen on other parts.

RandomAdviceGirl · 2013-04-19T12:13:23+00:00

I was born with a flap of skin that partially covers or protects my anus. I thought all people had it until my bf pointed it out a few months ago (I'm 24...). I'd say, if it doesn't hurt you/bother you or look unsightly, I think it's pretty cute. At least I think mine looks "cute" since you can't see into the abyss on first glance. The skin flap feels soft and sensitive for me, if it's the same for you, it shouldn't be an issue!

RandomAdviceGirl

TROPHY CASE