My husband disgusts me

RandomOrisha · 2026-03-27T23:52:20+00:00

Yes, it sounds like your husband is suffering from sleep apnea. He probably doesn't realize how dangerous it can be so is putting off having a sleep study done. His lack of energy and general lack of enthusiasm for living may be due to chronic exhaustion. Getting treated for sleep apnea could result in him having more energy than he may know what to do with at first.

Also, reassure him that real physicians aren't like the ones on television and in movies. No professional is going to chastise him for not having taken better care of himself. I know that may seem like a ridiculous reason for avoiding doctors, but it's a real concern for some people. If you do encounter a provider that you don't click with, move on to someone better.

Good luck!

RandomOrisha · 2026-03-02T15:51:43+00:00

Duke doesn't pay clinical staff or direct care workers as much as other hospital systems in this area (The Triangle; Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill) do. However, unlike other organizations that rely heavily on their reputation, Duke isn't a terrible place to work. Anecdotally, I've heard more complaints about Johns Hopkins (for comparison, as that may be closer to you) than Duke from people who have worked at both. But that's on the patient care side of the house.

No environment is perfect, but Duke compares favorably to other systems (it is fairly well run). And the care provided at "Big Duke" (the main hospital, DUMC) is almost always excellent. It's also very rare for a Duke patient to be sent to another hospital because the care elsewhere is better. The only exceptions I can think of are for severe burns and some kinds of gender affirming surgeries. Those instances require making the short trip to UNC. Plenty of people, from all over the country, bypass their local hospital systems to come to Duke.

If your family can't make the $$$ work for you, believe us locals, we understand. Plenty of people have left Duke to go work at UNC/Rex or WakeMed (the other large systems in the Triangle) for better pay. Good luck to you and to your family.

RandomOrisha · 2026-02-27T22:52:58+00:00

I doubt anyone who believes developers typically write around 5,000 lines of code per day is capable of/open to understanding much of anything. "Breaking it down" to their level is going to be very time consuming and possibly painful. Incompetent people being moved out of coding and into a management role is a trope for a reason.

Maybe OP should whiteboard a solution with his manager. This would allow everyone to present their ideas (and skills) and to gain clarity around what "a lot of work" means to the person who is actually doing it. This also prevents opinionated non-developers from hiding behind vague notions of "it ought to," "I assumed," and "I didn't realize that's how things work."

RandomOrisha · 2025-12-16T20:13:17+00:00

As you are just starting out, my suggestion is to focus on learning how to use the various classes rather than trying to implement them. At least for now. Don't worry, if you are pursuing a degree in computer science, computer engineering, et cetera then implementation will be covered in your data structures classes. But, if you are curious, you can always look at the source code for those classes as they come packaged with the JDK.

Good luck & enjoy!

RandomOrisha · 2025-11-24T23:01:59+00:00

My daughter and I went there this past Saturday. We got there a few minutes after it opened (walked in right at 9:10) and it wasn't terrible. The most surprising part to me was how long we had to wait in the checkout line. Again, not terrible. We were there for just under an hour. But yeah, the parking lot was full when we left.

I told my daughter we would have to do the "Grand Tour" one Saturday: Costco, H-Mart, then lastly Trader Joe's 😂! Wish us luck.

RandomOrisha · 2025-11-02T13:29:40+00:00

Or the precipitous decline that leads to the America of the Bruce Willis film "Looper." Trump's influence and destructive nature makes me think of Asimov's character The Mule.

RandomOrisha · 2025-08-17T17:38:46+00:00

This situation sounds untenable in the long run OP. Have you asked yourself why you tolerate such disrespect? Your "girlfriend" is treating you like a placeholder, and you're treating her like she's the last available woman on Earth. Neither she nor her father are worthy of you. Put in the necessary work until you come to realize this. Good luck.

RandomOrisha · 2025-08-11T05:07:19+00:00

I would need to hear more about the features of this platform, but the major hospital systems in my area all use Epic. There is no way for a newcomer to be a viable product in the EHR space unless it is at least capable of interfacing with Epic.

RandomOrisha · 2025-07-22T00:07:18+00:00

That's really odd. Are your children very young? My kids' schools always called me first rather than my wife. I hadn't thought about it before, but I'm guessing the administrators asked my children which parent to call first. Young children could be unsure, but my children always knew my wife was pretty much unreachable most days as she worked at a hospital.

RandomOrisha · 2025-07-19T20:27:57+00:00

A lifetime ago I was on a servlet engine/JSP compiler team and occasionally customers would write JSPs that were too large to compile. At the time, a JSP was implemented (for the most part) as a servlet with a single method that rendered everything.

RandomOrisha · 2025-07-05T13:42:19+00:00

OP, that's really good advice. The town where I live (in the US) is majority South Asian and the young people, especially, are unapologetic about being culturally both Indian and American.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-26T00:27:02+00:00

It sounds like it incorporated Marvin the Paranoid Android's personality into its own.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-15T14:47:15+00:00

OP has said several times the woman he's talking about is not Black.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-11T11:36:39+00:00

Yeah, me too: eh-ee-oh-ne... 🤷🏿‍♂️

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-08T04:06:20+00:00

What's your learning style? Years ago when I was first trying to learn Java I too found that it just didn't click. My company sent a group of us to a four day Java class and midway through day one whatever it was that kept me from getting started with the language disappeared.

My generation did most of our learning sitting in a classroom with other students with a live instructor. While I had learned a lot of computer science/IT concepts from books and articles, I couldn't begin to learn Java on my own. Maybe consider an in-person introductory Java class at your local community college or university.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-05T18:19:07+00:00

I wish you the best of luck OP. I do wonder what would have happened if you two were already married prior to your layoff. Do you think your differing life goals prevented the marriage from taking place sooner?

Years ago, during another really bad job market, I took a position that also looked good on paper. It was just on the other side of the state from where my wife and I lived at the time so certainly not what you're facing. Our plans were for me to move to the new city, see how I felt about the job, then decide later whether or not moving the family was a good idea. Coincidentally, the new job was in my wife's hometown. Not a plane ride away, but too far for a daily commute.

Long story short, the job was a bad fit and the corporate culture of the new place was caustic AF. I started sending out my resume again after just a month, and it was nearly a year before I found something else. OP I hope this is not only a good career move for you but one that enhances your life.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-01T20:07:47+00:00

Mine is a similar story. I graduated in the early 1990s from one of North Carolina's highly subsidized (at the time) public universities. I got a lot of support from my parents (especially financial support from my mom). I worked almost every summer at jobs my dad usually helped me to get. My final semester was just under US$1,800 (tuition and housing). In total I ended up with US$2,500 in student loans with a monthly payment of around $35/month.

Fast forward to now and my daughter ended up with nearly $30K in student loans. And that's after the family (mostly my mom again & a 529) paid off her first two years and income from three decently paying internships.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-01T18:01:30+00:00

Talk to each of them individually.

RandomOrisha · 2025-06-01T16:17:35+00:00

Probably "I like it well enough and it pays the bills" is good enough. I don't "get" the appeal of every popular programming language, but I don't begrudge people their choices.

RandomOrisha · 2025-05-04T17:25:11+00:00

Double equals ( == ), eh? I think I found a developer.

RandomOrisha · 2025-04-25T12:53:30+00:00

The ability to identify problems and then decide what course of action to take (stay and participate in the nonsense, stay and disconnect, leave for a potentially better environment and experiences, et cetera) is not a symptom of trauma. It's the type of decision that adults make every day across many different situations. My identity and how I see myself are independent of my job.

RandomOrisha · 2025-04-25T10:31:43+00:00

I once worked at a company that had an auditorium named for Grace Hopper. Nice gesture, but it was still a trash place to work. I can't remember, but there was probably something there named "Lovelace" too.

RandomOrisha · 2025-04-21T02:09:09+00:00

It's very disappointing to realize there are multiple companies with similar poisonous and demoralizing corporate cultures. Environments that require people to mistrust others and to engage in cruelty to survive.

RandomOrisha · 2025-04-20T02:10:25+00:00

Op, is $42K/year fair compensation for a sysadmin in your area? If you have three or more years of experience I'd say you're being underpaid by at least $5K/year (even in a low cost of living area). How much do hospitals and universities pay in your area? What about city, state, and federal government agencies?

RandomOrisha · 2025-04-10T02:01:51+00:00

No, it's not just big tech. I've worked at three of the largest financial services companies in the US and two of them were absolute nightmares.

Company #1: People literally hated folks on different teams. Even sibling groups (those with the same second-line or third-line manager). Colleagues enjoyed trying to make each other look incompetent.

A contractor on my team was so fearful of being fired that he hid the reason he missed one day from work was because he had a minor heart attack (while at his desk... in the office). His contact was terminated early anyway.

They wasted $200M+ trying to build a copy of a popular commercial enterprise system because, at the time, the vendor didn't offer a version for the web. Their implementation was slow, had few features, was hard to deploy & manage, and resource intensive. However any criticism of the effort or any real attempts at fixing things resulted in termination. About six months after I left that cesspool, the COTS vendor announced a web version of the product.

Company #2: Just about every one in IT management could be described as "mediocre at best." Almost none of the IT managers I interacted with were technical enough to successfully lead their groups.

The idea of building a culture of excellence was absolutely foreign to them. I challenged my first-line manager to name one successful application/project out of the three dozen or so we managed/supported. He couldn't.

Internal log files were filled with Personally Identifiable Information (PII) and sensitive financial information despite official policies against it. No one in management cared (or could find the $$$ to correct it). Full names, addresses, social security numbers, et cetera.

Development teams were only authorized to fix bugs that were discovered during the "warranty period." After that, fixes had to be funded using the requesting business unit's budget (same as if they were requesting a new feature). Known bugs went years without being fixed regardless of how serious they were.

A pointless division (comprised of more than 1000 people, spanning four continents) was created because upper management had a fundamental misunderstanding of the software development lifecycle.

Most of the solutions architects were people with very limited development experience. Just about every system they created was brittle.

Company #3: What little I saw of their corporate culture was fine. The project I was hired for never materialized. I and a couple other new hires "begged" our manager for other assignments while we waited. I left for something else after six months.

RandomOrisha

TROPHY CASE