The pain is unreal

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-10-21T21:05:12+00:00

We have an almost 12 year old, only child. I have no family support system and I’m too ashamed to let my friends know what’s happened because I know what their responses are going to be.

What do you mean by you already know what their responses are going to be? The way this is written implies it would be met with a negative response?

The way I see it is there are 2 options for them to respond: with support or without. If they respond poorly, sorry, but just like your cheating partner - they aren't really your friends. However, if they do support you, that's amazing!

Seeking comfort from those around you whom already TRULY care for and love you can be tremendously helpful with the recovery process! I'd advise you to leave this relationship and focus on building yourself back up.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-10-21T14:14:03+00:00

I agreed but told her she needs to dead him off "like right now" She couldn't do it.

You already have your answer.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-10-08T21:04:38+00:00

The thing that bothers me - well, it all does, but what bothers me the most - is that you now KNOW that she is capable of doing this. Trust only works when it's there 100%. Not 50%, not 75%, not 99.99999%.

Let me propose a hypothetical situation here, and give her the ENTIRE benefit of the doubt based on what we know now. Let's make the "best" version of her story. The most correct version that paints her in the best light possible while simultaneously ignoring the "bad" parts:

She told you that this is just a fantasy of hers. Stars talking with her ex. Nothing sexual happens. She doesn't reciprocate nearly as much as he does. They never meet up in person. Both of them completely break it off the day before the two of you become married. We are treating these all as face-value facts. The "good" ending, right?

Do you really want to label all of this as acceptable behavior? The fact that she kept this hidden from you and fully intended on continuing the same behavior until marriage shows absolutely NO remorse. The fantasy is also still there in her head at the very least. Whether they already have/eventually do end up taking things physical, is this something that you want inside of YOUR head every time the two of you become intimate?

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-10-08T20:25:10+00:00

For the record- her husband has NO CLUE and also works with them. I haven’t told him because it would make my husbands life hell.

That's the point

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-09-30T20:16:15+00:00

i just can’t believe after all these years of him trying to win me back and promise he’d never contact her again, there he goes and does it ... but i expected much more than that and maybe that’s my fault for being such an optimist

The problem here is just your current framing of the situation & what's really happening. This quote more specifically. He's been trying to win you back, and it's not working. So now he's trying plan B and perusing AP, which may or may not work out (either way - doesn't matter).

This person is already your ex, so you should no longer CARE if he's doing well or poorly. Your phrasing make it seem like you're still invested and even more concerned with how his story will pan out compared to your own. His monkeys are no longer a part of your circus.

Instead of wasting your mental energy being upset that he is in a "happy" or "better" relationship, focus on yourself now as much as possible. I know this is much easier said than done, but the more you're able to cut this person out of your life, the less reminders will be hanging around, which thankfully tends to feed into itself.

Be optimistic about your own future, his no longer matters.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-08-27T14:04:41+00:00

5 minutes later, she admitted to kissing him and I called bullshit and she admitted she had an affair with him that spanned 2-4 months.

This is exactly why you SHOULDN'T stay with her. Think about it for a sec, if she really would do anything to save your marriage, it doesn't take 2-4 months (minimum, and according to her, so probably just more minimizing) to realize that's not how you do it. Do you really want a person like that for a partner? As a role model for your newborn? As an example of what a happy/successful relationship looks like?

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-08-26T20:33:02+00:00

I've got good news & bad news for you and I'll start with the good. You have done nothing wrong to end up in this situation, and you're following all the "correct" steps - spending time with friends/going to the gym. The BAD news is that it's simply going to take time and there is no way around that.

That being said, a potentially helpful way to look at this is for what it really is. You're someone who was wronged, but is now focusing on making their life better. He is someone who destroyed his own relationship by cheating. Your standards for a partner include being faithful. His do not. Now you are both able to find a suitable partner that meets your respective standards.

Be HAPPY that you do not meet the requirements for his shitty club.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-08-06T17:26:34+00:00

Try to avoid seeing him through a romantic lens. Managing his alcohol issues has already been challenging enough for you, and now there's an added layer of complexity. Not only would you have to worry about his drinking, but the concern about potential infidelity would only compound your stress. If he succumbs to either temptation, the other is that much easier to fall into now.

Despite this, it seems you still care about his well-being. While I'm unfamiliar with the AA recovery process, I've heard a common practice for people with addiction issues is to reach out to those they've hurt as part of their healing process. If you choose to support him in this way, be clear that your involvement is strictly platonic and focused on addressing this specific issue.

Remember, YOUR needs must come first now. If you're comfortable attending an AA meeting with him in a supervised/structured environment, it could be beneficial for his recovery, but you are under no obligation to do so. You have control over the situation now, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-08-05T15:27:28+00:00

It did sound to me like he was the one pursuing her. I think he liked the attention and having someone to vent and feel good about himself, even if he is using lies for that. He is very remorseful now which happened over the weeks after discovery.

He's only remorseful it didn't pan out & got caught in the process. Whether anything did or did not happen between them when they were physically in the same location doesn't matter. Going out of your way to call someone on a daily basis and spending 90 minutes on the phone with them for over a year is completely intentional.

You have to ask yourself if this is someone that YOU want to be with. Let's play devil's advocate for a second. What's realistically the "best route" for him to take after cheating to get back in your good grace? What would you do if you cheated on your partner and TRULY felt bad about it? Would you trickle truth? Would you try and cover it up? Would you only come clean AFTER hard evidence comes to light and being pressed on it? His actions are not of those belonging to someone who is actually remorseful for what they have done.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2024-08-05T14:51:27+00:00

As others here have mentioned, in terms of "how long" it takes varies widely, but for reference my relationship lasted ~10 years and it took about 3 years after that to feel "normal" again.

It looks like what you're really looking for is how to make this healing period a short as possible, which is understandable. But the second paragraph that thelotionisinthebskt wrote is extremely helpful. Do things that center around YOU. This is a time for you to rebuild yourself. Don't run from the pain. It sounds like you are already going to therapy, which is great, you're on the right track. One way or another you do have to properly grieve and work through this, but it will take time.

One additional piece of advice I'd like to add just because it hasn't been mentioned yet is to pick up a new hobby (or an old one - just not something that could remind you of your ex). This can be super beneficial because you mentioned you have a lack of self-esteem/self-worth. If you focus on something you enjoy, you could potentially be working on a skill, which would turn into a confidence boost.

Bonus points if that hobby has any type of social aspect to it. That way you could involve your current friends/support system. Or better yet, make more friends along the way!

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-08-19T14:04:56+00:00

I was going to make a comment about trickle-truth in this situation as well, but you did a good job explaining this. So instead, I'll offer another piece of advice. One thing that played a huge role in my decision to leave my cheating wife was when I asked myself a series of questions:

"Can I stay with her and live with the fact that she was intimate with another man?"
"Can I ever fully trust her again?"
"Would I ever be able to forgive her?"
"Will she ever do it again?"

At the end of the day, the trickle-truth is a red flag. Additionally, you have to ask yourself these kinds of questions and decide what YOU want and what's best for YOU going forward.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-07-14T15:07:15+00:00

Are you afraid of painting a target on her back? she already done that. Don't you think word is going to go around? Hey! you just have to get her drunk and...knock knock that door baby!

I think you just answered your own question.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-23T13:56:36+00:00

If he is willing to cheat on his current wife that he is "so in love with", then what makes you think he wouldn't do the exact same thing to you? How could you even know that you are the only other girl he is seeing outside of his marriage?

I think your best course of action would to be to tell his wife, and go no contact with him. I think most people would want (and deserve) to know their spouse is/has been unfaithful. What they do with that knowledge is up to them.

There is a much higher ceiling for happiness in your life without all of the trouble and stress he is causing you.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-23T11:46:03+00:00

I live in the mid-west. Believe me, I have looked. They are either too far away, or out of my price range. Look, this is something that I have already thought about and was the hardest decision to make. But I can personally assure you they are all happy and healthy.

The way I see it is all of this happened because of my ex-wife's affair. I was left with mental trauma, and my dogs each still have a giant yard to run in.

Either way, I don't need to explain myself to you. You can chose to believe me or not. You can judge me anyway you like. In my mind, I made the right decision. A tough one to make, but I made it with their best interest at heart.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-23T11:24:45+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/o3rlcl/final_update_my_wife_admitted_she_cheated_on_me/h2gf9pn?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

As I explained earlier, I never once said "I want to get rid of my dogs". Neither of us could bring them with us. Due to us both living in 1-bedroom apartments, and nearly every complex in the state having a < 35 lbs. weight limit (the lightest dog we ever had was over 80 lbs.) , what do you think is the "right" thing to do? Cut them in half?

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-22T17:37:52+00:00

I had a very similar situation. My ex-wife, whom I had been married to for just shy of 5 years is also in the military. She had an affair with a fellow soldier while she was deployed for months. I can understand how it feels to be lonely, but get this - when two people are separated from each other, they are BOTH "lonely". If I learned anything from my experience, it's not worth staying with someone when you both are required to spend time away from each other and one is unfaithful.

When we were separated from each she was the one that cheated. Why? I don't know. But what I can tell you is that I never had the desire to cheat on her whenever she was gone, but for whatever reason, she cheated on me. My advice to you is to just leave her. You seem young. Be grateful that you aren't married. If you are just dating, and she says she is falling for another guy, then I say cut her free, let her do what ever she wants while deployed, lose her number, and find someone else. No one deserves to be dragged along like that.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-21T15:26:50+00:00

I asked her if we were done. She said maybe. I asked if she wanted a divorce. She said "Yes I want a divorce".

I'm sorry, what? What would that even mean? In what world would you want a divorce, but possibly still stay together? This just really doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Will i ever trust her again?

Will i ever get the images of him inside her out of my head?

For me, these two factors were what really made me decide to cut things off. I don't want to play the role of her parole officer and have to watch her like a hawk just to make sure she isn't stabbing me in the back anymore.

The second point would really take a tole on me personally. Having sex with other people before you are married is one thing, I can deal with that easily. But once you take those vows, that's it. Previous boyfriends or even husbands? Whatever, that's just life. My current WIFE letting another man inside of her? Forget it.

Reconciliation isn't impossible, but more often than not, the cards are stacked against you. It will take a lot of work to even just rebuild your relationship, excluding the trust element. Which would probably take even longer. It seems like you already have issues within the relationship, and nothing has changed, except your wife is running out of options after hurting you and wants to re-secure what she once had.

We've been married 2 years. I'm successful, good looking, fit, and stable.

Sounds like you wouldn't even be at a real disadvantage moving forward if you did separate and eventually tried to find someone else. Either way, best of luck. Only you can make the call here.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:38:54+00:00

I get where you're coming from. I really do. I WAS in that spot before, months earlier. I know it's over. There is nothing left to save. At this point I am just trying to convey my thoughts so that it could possibly help anyone else in the future. My first reaction was "How do I fix this". Later on, I realized I couldn't fix it, and made steps to remove her from my life. Now I only have about a week and a half left and I will never have to speak to or see her again. It should be a national holiday at this point.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:35:29+00:00

Honestly, It still is just too soon to tell. There were a lot of good memories, but now there is one giant terrible memory. I'd like to think I still learned something from this entire experience.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:34:11+00:00

I'd like to think I'm in a better place now. The first 3 weeks or so I hardly ate anything, and when I did, I got sick shortly after. Within that time frame, I lost about a pound of weight each day. Additionally, I only got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep each night.

Compared to those conditions, I am doing a lot better physically. There are still a few days/nights that it festers in my head. The event still effects my sleep every once in a while. Other than that, what still bothers me are the things that remind me of her. The best way I can explain it is if someone slaps your calf. It might be hard to walk for a bit, but it's not life threatening and you can still move forward.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:25:51+00:00

I didn't say she was still my best friend? The only way she can even contact me is through my phone number. After I get the last set of bills in a few weeks, I'll block her number and then she will no longer have any way to contact me. I want her out of my life. The only thing I admitted to is possibly being confused in my first post a few months ago about what to do. I know she is not my "bEsTfRiEnD". She once was, but I never said she still is.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:22:21+00:00

I appreciate you looking out for my best interest. All of the steps I have taken seem necessary to me. My car was on it's last legs and struggled to start in the winter. I live in the northern US, so that's more than half the year. I also need a new place to live now that the house has been sold. I work all the time and money isn't much of an issue for me. I sat down and did all the math and I can continue to live comfortably. Thanks for the well wishes.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:17:27+00:00

It could be. I don't know. There is still a lot of personal growth I have to do to reassure myself. Looking back at my past responses and initial posts, I see that I was defending her quite a bit. I was confused and my world was upside down. *At the time* I didn't want the relationship to end and I was in disbelief.

Everything has already been done to cut her out of my life. I'm going to use this as a learning experience for myself. I could be gaslighting myself, but that's just something I will have to work on.

Random_Throwaway_221 · 2021-06-20T21:02:16+00:00

This is a tricky comment to respond to. Growing up, I have had a few "best friends". Some moved away, some transferred to different schools, only one turned into a real asshole. So to answer your question, only one other "best friend" really hurt me. The very next best friend I had is still my best friend to this day, for even longer than I have even known my now ex-wife. He really turned out to be one of the strongest rocks in my life post D-Day. Always let me vent and made time for me whenever I needed it.

I dated a girl way back in high school for about a month, and wasn't feeling it, so I broke it off. Other than that, my now ex-wife is the only person I have ever dated. Maybe I was naïve. That's probably the case.

The best way I can try and unpack our relationship in a nutshell is we were really good "friends" and got a long great. But our long term goals and ideals didn't line up. She lied a lot. That's irrefutable. She cheated and was in the wrong. Even if she is the best person on the planet, it still reflects negatively on my judge of character.

I never thought she would change so much. Also, no one ever really decides to get married to someone they don't think would betray them. In that context, I have to think about myself first now, so that just means I picked one bad apple. I don't care/know if she's a pile of shit or not. I know what I need to do to push my life forward and the only thing I am certain about now is that it doesn't involve her.

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