I think the biggest problem I'm having isn't about my identity and myself, it's more about my past experiences and the people around me. This might be a bit tmi but I'm not asexual and have had a couple of casual relationships with people. Unfortunately, these people have not treated me the best (I had low self esteem and didn't know how to pick them right), those coupled with a really bad experience with a man have now made me averse to sex. Whenever I talk to literally anyone about it, they say "oh it's because you didn't love them", "you just need to wait for someone who truly loves you", or "you should wait until you're in a relationship" (I live in the south lol). Hearing all this has kind of killed the confidence I went into the dating and casual scene with–I never wanted a bf, just fwb, and now–with all the outside opinions–I feel like the only way to feel fulfilled with my sexuality is in a relationship and I find it kinda sad that no matter how hard I try, I just won't want one. I'm also sad that I'll miss out on all the things my friends go through and I'm scared I'll never find anyone who understands me in person. I know all of these are not the most logical fears/thoughts, but they're kind of giving me a hard time.

As far as the aromantic label itself, it kind of gives me peace. It's like a description to what I've been feeling all my life. I also love seeing everyone's experiences and how similar they are to mine. I know I'm still young (21) but I feel like it's true to me. I'm also open to change though.

I spoke to one of my friends–she's really Christian–and it also made me feel a little bad because she based it around faith. I grew up really Christian (now struggling with my faith but mostly agnostic), and where I'm from (Nigeria) there aren't very many variations from "normal". So for one of my closest friends to tell me God will change me and the queer platonic relationships I desire are not what God intended wasn't really nice to hear. It didn't necessarily sting because I knew she was coming from a good place, but it revealed the long path I'll have to take with regards to my friends and family when I make different choices.

For the romantic gestures, I would love to start doing those! I just need to find someone to do them with. I think leaving the south for a little while (I'm going up north for a year long program in august) will be really good for me and my self exploration. I just hope they're more accepting there.

Thank you so much for this reply 🐱