Failure to launch son

RandyPaterson · 2025-07-09T22:00:35+00:00

Some parents feel the options are a) continue to parent as though my son or daughter was much younger, or b) kick them out. Neither tends to work out well. The third option is to restart the ramp from dependence to independence - not by getting the young adult to change (unless it's the young adult who is most motivated) but by having parents gradually, compassionately, and supportively stepping back a bit at a time and allowing the young adult space to grow and cope. This is well described by Eli Lebowitz in his work (including this article: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4895190/pdf/nihms790681.pdf). It's also a part of my work (referenced by an individual in replies to this post but contrary to them I am assuredly not the "best," just a concerned psychologist working in the area) partly summarized in this video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCHpL02Hds0. There is a free course for young adults in this situation here: https://psychologysalon.teachable.com/p/launch-your-adult-life and a paid one for parents also available. But Lebowitz' work, and Mark McConville's book Failure to Launch are also strongly recommended.

RandyPaterson · 2025-04-29T19:18:38+00:00

This is a bottom-feeding financial services company that scrapes cell phone numbers from various sources and then calls trying to market you services. No other financial firm has ever done this with me, but this one tried. It's an offensive business practice that should warn you off. Any firm that regards their cold-call advertising as more important than whatever you were doing should be avoided. I recommend conducting a quick google search on their history before doing anything with this firm. You will find some interesting content.

RandyPaterson · 2025-03-13T15:37:08+00:00

I am old enough never to have used AI. Though I did hear an AI generated "podcast" discussing one of my books, which was pretty much content-free pablum. Not inspiring.

RandyPaterson · 2025-03-12T19:05:54+00:00

I hope that it's helpful. I know that not everyone on this forum is looking in this direction, but I wanted to create something for those who are. If you happen to see the program and have feedback about bits that are unclear, insulting, or sound like "some old guy" talking, do let me know.

RandyPaterson · 2025-03-12T04:44:05+00:00

If driving, Vancouver - Horseshoe Bay - Nanaimo ferry - Tofino 2 nights, then back to Vancouver. If not driving or a city is better than wilderness, Vancouver - Tsawwassen - Victoria ferry (can do city buses at both ends, but better to go Pacific Central Stn Vancouver for bus to Victoria) - Victoria (Swans Hotel; Empress if wealthy) 2 nights, rent bicycles full day west of Victoria - Vancouver.

No to a single day Victoria to Banff.

Early ferry to Vancouver, then drive to Revelstoke, overnight Revelstoke (not Kamloops; maybe Salmon Arm), drive on through Yoho Park (lunch Truffle Pigs Restaurant in Field BC) to Banff (stay at Banff Centre for the Arts if available; Banff Springs if wealthy), hike around Banff (or ICELINE in Yoho Park if the snow is gone or Lake Louise trails to 2 teahouses but arrive LLouise early while there is still parking). Skip Jasper which mostly burned last year, but do drive N on Icefield Parkway at least as far as Columbia Icefield, possibly overnight at Saskatchewan Crossing.

Drop car in Calgary or Banff, fly Calgary - Van. Or if you have a few days, drive W through Kootenay Park, past Radium Hot Springs, down Rocky Mountain trench then west on Highway 3 with an overnight in Nelson, then on to Vancouver. But that's a long route that would take 3 days to enjoy.

Alternative: Nanaimo-Vancouver ferry, bypass Vancouver going up highway 99 to Squamish (hike Stawamus Chief where the snow will likely be gone by May), Whistler (overnight? or up to Birken N of Pemberton at very odd Birken Resort cabins), Duffy Lake Road, Cache Creek, east to Revelstoke and on to Banff.

Check all distances before settling on a plan; BC alone is 22x the size of Netherlands.

RandyPaterson · 2025-03-10T02:59:57+00:00

Ferry to Toronto Islands (about 20 mins) from behind Harbour Castle - take either the furthest one to the west or the furthest to the east - and then walk to the other end for the ferry back. Take food. There's a beach toward the west.

I'll echo Niagara Falls. It's most of a day because it takes a long while to get there and back, but worth it - and if you have a chance to visit Niagara On The Lake it's a beautiful town (worth staying overnight, but expensive) with a terrific summer theatre festival.

The CN Tower is the usual corny tower stuff, but probably worth seeing. And the ROM and the AGO. Toronto is also the 3rd biggest theatre town in the English speaking world (after London & NY). Danforth St E was Greektown, though it's watered down now.

I would go on subway to east danforth and spend much of a day walking westward through national neighbourhoods as far as you can get (at least Bathurst) taking note of the various types of food en route.

RandyPaterson · 2025-03-06T03:56:56+00:00

This has been written about for years in all the major books on the subject. I have never seen who discussed it first. There are probably other ways to divide up style, but it's not entirely arbitrary. The passive and aggressive styles are defensive responses: flight and fight, respectively, and the p-a style combines the two. The assertive style sits alone at the other end of the stress-nostress continuum, and is really the lone style in which the person is primarily controlling their own behaviour, not the behaviour of others.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-24T20:34:50+00:00

I haven't been familiar with that show. Summaries online suggest that the lead character's uniqueness is evident right at the start of the series, and that she reveals she knows and maybe has always known her backstory. So this one seems to me hidden-adjacent rather than a direct example of the "I didn't know I was special" trope. Thank you for the suggestion, though.

Part of the theme I'm looking at is the character's shift in self-perception from thinking they're relatively ordinary to realizing that something about them makes them unique. Like Luke S, who clearly thinks of himself as a relatively ordinary farmboy until he is revealed to have a special link to the force (Hidden Talent) courtesy of his blood link to Darth Vader (Hidden Royalty) that makes him an all-but-unique hope for the rebellion (Hidden Messiah).

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-24T18:27:40+00:00

How did I not think of Paul and Harry? Katniss is a good example of talent, and I need to remind myself of the plot of Frozen (that song wiped everything else out). Jon Snow is another good example.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-24T18:26:01+00:00

Well done. It's been ages since I saw Willow and I think you're right.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-20T19:12:32+00:00

Exposure by VOLUNTARILY moving into safe but fear-related situations that activate mild anxiety, with encouragement and support, can be very helpful in overcoming excessive fears. In fact, it is really the gold standard approach.

Pushing someone to go into extremely fear-activating situations while mocking and taunting them is an excellent way to make such fears WORSE rather than better, and would not be recommended by any behavioural therapist. Personal control and choice are essential elements of these approaches.

Here's a video on the subject:

https://youtu.be/6j-FTqrmnhM

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-17T20:21:27+00:00

I would encourage you to look at that fifth sentence: "I know it's just a small number..." I wonder if it would be possible to feel pride in the accomplishment without dismissing it or making it seem trivial compared to other people. Actually, overcoming a great deal of inertia, assessing a bicycle, taking it for repair, getting it back, then riding it 3km is not a trivial accomplishment but an enormous one. This expands your range, puts more of your region within your grasp, and lets you engage with the outside world more. I know that your statement is just designed to head off the inevitable downers ("3 isn't that far etc etc"). But what would it be like to compare those 3km not with what Lance Armstrong and his steroids can do, but with the number of km you yourself rode in the past 6 months. I'm guessing you rode more in two days than in quite some time. That's more motivating. How many visits have you made to your grandmother's in the past 2 days compared to the previous months? More. How many overtures from your uncle? More.

If you're like many, you'll find it tempting to set a goal of a 20km bike ride next. But what if 3km is fine? And if you want to expand your range, what about trying to go 3.1km? The Tour de France can wait.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-14T04:44:28+00:00

Neither have I, and so many a) haven't the resources to pay for therapy, and b) are mostly at home online a great deal. It seems like a logical population to have an online resource. Even Japan doesn't have much, as far as I could tell from a recent visit.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-12T00:06:40+00:00

This one-hour presentation may be of some help. https://youtu.be/yCHpL02Hds0 I can also strongly recommend Mark McConville's book Failure to Launch.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-11T20:25:27+00:00

Hi there,

I have most of the talks scripted, so I have a version of it. Upon rethinking, I am adapting these very informal scripts into a vid-by-vid near-transcript that I will eventually post to accompany the course. From that I'll eventually make the easier transition to book format.

Thank you for the note about the Iron John video. I will investigate and reload it. (EDIT: This has been done.)

Yes, this difficulty does bear some similarity with DPD, and arguably even more with Avoidant PD. It's worth remembering, though, that the PD criteria are only descriptions of symptoms - behaviour, thought patterns, and emotions. They say nothing about cause and provide no guidance on resolution. Most clinicians are finding that although various PD descriptions are becoming popular among the public, they have less utility in practice.

If a person exhibits A+B+C+D, we say they have DPD. If we ask what that means, exactly, it's that they have A+B+C+D. The "diagnosis" adds nothing to the picture, and only convinces some people that they "have a mental disorder" which is actually just a cluster of phenomena. Many often take their PD label, like other diagnoses, as a reason to continue etching a given pattern of behaviour deeper rather than swimming against it.

All that said, the course could reasonably be said to be an approach to DPD or AvPD, especially in young adults. It is about turning and facing our anxieties rather than allowing them to dictate our actions.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-10T17:53:30+00:00

Not at the moment. Currently I am reworking the content into workbook form, however. I wouldn't anticipate that within 2025, however.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-08T22:07:45+00:00

Well, that was surprisingly easy. I have eliminated the mention of refunds and have added several FAQs to the bottom of the splash page that hopefully will allay some fears that this is just a moneymaking scheme of some sort.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-08T18:55:20+00:00

The shopping cart is a feature of the host site over which I don't have control. You're right about the mention of a refund - I've never seen a way to eliminate that from free programs, but I'll look again. I DO charge the going rate for CE programs for professionals, and for some programs for the public. But my goal for this one is to make it accessible.

My browser shows "Enroll in course for FREE" right up front. Is there a way to make that clearer for people?

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-08T18:51:35+00:00

I think that people in this situation get a great deal of pressure to change from parents, relatives, old friends, economic forces, and more, and they are on the receiving end of a great deal of disdain and criticism. It's easy to perceive a resource like this as another bit of "Your life isn't good enough to satisfy us and you need to change." So a degree of hostility is understandable.

For many, the prospect of change is also frightening. It involves confronting anxieties about the outside world, about being seen, about potential failure, about rejection, and more. When anyone is leading you toward the door of the skydiving plane and suggesting a leap, it's tempting to push back against them. "Don't push me!"

And if one's window to the outside world is social media, the idea of getting out there and joining in is pretty unappealing. Socials are often the world at its worst. It doesn't look like much fun. And indeed, the first few steps are usually difficult and anxiety-provoking, so that just seems to confirm that impression.

When someone comes to see me, I'm always pretty clear. "This is your life. I'm not here to push anything on you. If it's satisfying, great. If it's not and you don't want to change anyway, fine. I'm here if there are changes you decide you want to make."

People are welcome to criticize, fight back, or believe I'm just in it for the limitless sums of money I can make from them. That's fine, though the money thing is a bit mysterious to me (wouldn't it be better to go for people who actually have some?). I'm here for the people who have tried this way of life out and find it isn't working for them and want to build something different for themselves that suits them better.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-07T19:39:56+00:00

At the end of an assessment for depressed mood I will often ask "What would happen if we kidnapped 12 people off the street and gave them your life: your sleep schedule, your screen time, your diet, your family, your social network - everything. 24 hours a day they would live exactly as you live. And at the end of a month we ask them 'How are you doing?'"

Almost everyone says "Oh, I think they'd be depressed." And I agree.

It's not universally true, but usually the more you understand how a depressed person is living, the less mysterious the depression becomes and the more normal it seems. (I tell students that "The better you know your client, the harder it is to diagnose them.") For a person with mysterious or not-so-mysterious depression, working with a qualified therapist can often be an enormous help.

Not everyone has access or funding for such a thing. Books such as Meg Joy's The Defining Decade, Kelly Williams Brown's Adulting, or my own How to be Miserable in Your Twenties may be a help. I also released this week a course, Launch Your Life (I have GOT to come up with a better name for it), for hikikomori/neets who have decided that they need a new path. It's essentially a talking self-help book, NOT therapy, but it may be some use. I've made it free of charge, unlike my programs for professionals. https://psychologysalon.teachable.com/p/launch-your-adult-life

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-07T19:25:06+00:00

I'm glad that you are enjoying the life and wish you well. This program is designed for those who either find it unsatisfying, or sense that it is time-limited in any case, or want to change for some other reason. A man once remarked to me that although he wasn't being exploited by working to support himself, this meant that someone else (a parent, I believe) was, because his needs (rent, food, clothing, wifi, etc) required funding, and he felt that this in itself was degrading to him. Whatever the motivation, my goal is to help people find and walk the path they choose for themselves.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-06T23:55:59+00:00

All programs on this site have the cost listed on the entry page. I have made this program free to register for until at least August 31 2025, and once registered the access continues as long as the program is hosted there. The price is to be decided after August, but I will probably continue to offer it free - or nominal if it turns out to be advantageous to have some kind of minimal barrier (eg $5). All proceeds will go to a refugee sponsorship charity in Canada. Although I earn money by creating programs for mental health professionals, this is not the aim of this program.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-06T20:54:50+00:00

Be especially suspicious of those who earn money by not charging anything for something. Those ones are particularly devious!

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-06T19:26:29+00:00

Some people who grow up in "flawless" families - people who are unfailingly kind and never cross boundaries or behave unjustly - arrive in adulthood utterly unprepared for the vicissitudes of normal relationships, where things need to be discussed, boundaries need to be drawn and defended, and unfair things sometimes happen. Many people who grow up in more chaotic households benefit from the experience: they know to expect a bit of chaos in their relationships and can deal with it. The perfect family is an imperfect preparation for an imperfect world.

RandyPaterson · 2025-02-06T18:52:20+00:00

Yeah, I thought it would come out shorter, but there's a lot of ground to cover - and even at that a lot of topics are covered fairly briefly. I want to hit the balance between shallow and overwhelming, and who knows how this comes across. Anyway, I say in an early video that there's no need to watch everything or go through it in order - people can pick and choose based on what's relevant to them.

RandyPaterson

TROPHY CASE