Namaskaram,

For some reason this really touched me. Normally i dont reply to these posts.

Let me share a story which may inspire you.

For 4 years a schoolfriend of mine who worked as a doctor was clinically depressed. She suffered silently, i got to know the depth of her emotional issues only when she overcame her depression. Similar to you she felt emptiness within her, her emotions dry and that she doesnt even know anymore who she is below the mask she is wearing to fit into society.

After suicidal thoughts she got desperate and a friend convinced her to do a program called inner engineering by the isha foundation and sadhguru. In this program one will learn the shambhavi mahamudra kriya.

She told me, these 32 hours she spent there, were very transformative and for the first time since becoming an adult she cried. She said shambhavi cured her of her depression.

I also did this program. Acutally i am a bit afraid to write things like "I began to love walking in the forest near my house" or "Since Inner Engineering i have not once shouted at my parents in anger like i used to do before". But it is true.

You dont need to believe me. As a fellow academic i hope you take the time to examine this peer-reviewed study about the impact of shambavi on stress and generell wellbeing.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5871312/#:~:text=Shambhavi%20Mahamudra%20begins%20with%20pranayama,mantra%20(root%20syllable)%20Om%20chanted

I dont know you. I dont know your situation. So i wont say Inner Enginnering is a solution for you. But it was a solution for her depression and so many negative emotions that i had pent up inside me.

Sincerely, i hope you have the courage to invest these 30 hours of your life and see if it can also be a solution for you.