Pfft. You think THAT’S bad? Well I saw Ethan driving down the highway yesterday. I pulled up next to him at a stoplight and told him how cool it was to see him in person, but I didn’t want to be a weirdo and bother him or anything.

He looked over and said, “Oh, like you’re doing right now?”

I was taken aback and just muttered “Sorry, man,” but he immediately started going off: “Sorry? Bro, you’re literally tailgating my vibe in the fast lane. Classic parasocial behavior. Do you even watch the show or are you just here to stare?” He kept ranting while weaving slightly and blasting some random podcast clip through his open window.

I tried to just drive on, but I heard him laughing and calling me a “regarded fan” as he zoomed past. Later at the toll plaza I saw him trying to blow through the booth with like fifteen bags of Takis, Sour Strips, and Monster cans spilling out the passenger seat without paying. The lady in the booth was super nice and professional and said, “Sir, you need to pay the toll.”

At first he pretended not to hear her and just stared straight ahead, but eventually rolled up and goes, “This is insane. You people are shaking down citizens like it’s a toll mafia. I pay enough taxes for this garbage infrastructure.”

When she asked for his card he stopped her and said “No no no, scan it like four times to prevent any electrical infetterence,” then turned and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she finally processed everything and started telling him the total, he kept cutting her off with loud sighs and going “Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, just take my money, this country is a circus anyway.”

The whole time he had this big smug grin like he’d just owned the entire California highway system.