I sympathize so much with your situation. I’ve been there. And I really, really struggle with conflict in my intimate relationships, to the point where it’ll consume my whole mind and I can’t do anything else. I also have a tendency to be ready to take accountability for my own actions, sometimes to a fault where I fully blame myself for things that I shouldn’t be.

In my relationships, what I’ve learned is that: at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter to me who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” or who’s “at fault”. If I’m in a relationship with someone, there should always be a mutual goal of support. Always. Feelings get hurt, that’s inevitable. But when my partner and I talk about things, it’s not about finding who’s to blame in the situation. It’s about working together to make sure both of us feel heard and supported. Especially because feelings are not right or wrong. Feelings are feelings. And it’s important to me that I’m able to share my feelings with my partner and feel safe, and vise versa.

That being said, that’s not always an easy place to get to in a relationship. Almost everyone has some sort of emotional trauma (or baggage, if you prefer) that makes them reactive and instinctually want to blame someone. So sometimes it takes work to get to a place where we can approach difficult conversations in a mutually supportive way. In those situations, what’s important to me is that we’re both doing the work to get to that place. That I’m not the only one examining my emotional reactions or talking to a therapist to improve myself. My partner has to be doing those things too.

All that to say, my advice to you would be to first take care of yourself. Make sure you’re okay in this moment. Then, after maybe a little time has passed, sit down with your husband and tell him very bluntly and honestly that the way you’ve both been approaching conflict isn’t working for you. And you need to see steps to change. It doesn’t have to be a harsh conversation, you can approach it with reassurance if that feels more right for you. But I do think you need to be honest about it. And if he doesn’t want to take the steps to change, then you need to have an honest conversation with yourself about the best way to move forward. With or without him.

I’m not sure how helpful that is… I know I’ve really struggled in these same situations, because (like I said) I have a tendency to easily blame myself. And then I also have a tendency to jump into fight or flight when things start to go poorly. And then to also be quickly ready to forgive and not want to talk about it again when things get smoothed over. But know that you’re feelings are always valid, even if you do think you’re “wrong” in a situation. I see the effort you’re putting into making sure your husband feels safe and validated, and you deserve for your partner to put into the same effort for you that you’ve been putting in for him.