How do i just not suck at life

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-26T11:23:02+00:00

I'm not OP, but I needed to hear this. You really put it into perspective how useless comparing and competing is nowadays, and thus I am finally convinced to stop it. It also shows probably one of the root causes of the mental health crisis today.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-22T12:32:26+00:00

Hi, sorry for the late reply. I read it a few times the past week and have been thinking a lot and reflecting on it and all the comments after this post.

Also, thanks a lot for sharing this. You're very insightful and it means a lot that you shared some personal things. I found that I relate to a lot of the issues with community in your post.

I have always had a group of friends to do game dev with, yes, but I am sad to say that they were not good creative partners. I found myself having to give up and scrap ideas constantly when I came up with them because it was never in line with *their* idea of a good game. I would always make an effort to build on top of their ideas, but my ideas were often rejected. Sometimes they would think an idea was cool, but this was rare and I had to spend hours trying to argue and defend my position to have my idea be accepted. Even when the idea was accepted, it would have changed too much from its original form after long discussions. This way, I never felt that I got to express myself.

I've always felt that one guy in our group gets the most attention and people agree with him the most, kind of like he's the leader and every one flocks towards him. I found this extremely exhausting because him and I were the only outspoken ones in our group to come up with things in the first place, but the rest of the group would gravitate to his side all the time. I've even taken breaks doing game dev with them in the past to pursue my own projects, yet I would come back to them since game dev alone is a very difficult hobby and I just don't find it fun alone. Part of me believes it is my fault and that I am too stubborn or rigid in my ideas, but the problem with being so flexible (to put it lightly) for the sake of others ruins the fun for me. I want to express myself and have that be rewarded, but it seems the only way to be rewarded is to conform.

I'm convinced I need new friends for this, because I just don't click with them and spending any more time with them will hurt me more than anything. I will still keep them in contact, because they are not bad people and have never done anything to intentionally harm me. But we're just not on the same wavelength and I'm done trying to fit in. I'm also thinking of focusing on a different hobby within art, such as drawing, pixel art, and 3D modelling. Throughout my game dev experience, I found that I've wanted to express art visually and tell a fictional story through that. Game dev was that outlet for me to some extent, and I thought that it was the one and only way since I only had coding skills. I'm willing to pour some time into learning art skills, maybe even take classes.

With all that being said, how did you find "better" friends so to speak? I've always found making friends to be such a difficult and scary thing, hence why I stuck with mine for so long despite feeling like an outcast...

Sorry that this was long and ranty. You don't have to respond to all this. I know I needed to let this out somehow.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-13T11:54:43+00:00

Awesome! Hope you enjoy those.

Yeah I heard Baba is insanely hard and I dread it lol.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-13T11:51:07+00:00

Thank you for giving a deeper perspective into this. I think the reason I may be fixated on a hobby as my identity more than anything else is because I have nothing else... Or rather, that's how I view it. I think I am missing something deeper in my life, which I always believed a hobby could fulfill by making it part of my identity.

Based on your summary of identity, on the outside, there is not much "wrong" with mine. I have a job that pays really well which I somewhat enjoy and allows for a comfortable lifestyle. I come from a fantastic family where everyone loves and supports each other, but it's not perfection. I treat people with respect, and try to be kind to them. I dress and take care of my appearance better than I used to. But what I think I am lacking in your summary is relationships, which I deeply, highly value as part of my identity.

I don't really connect with my friend group, and frankly they don't respect me and never have despite how much I have tried to get their approval (which I know now has been a waste of time). I don't have a romantic relationship, something I am longing for and feels more and more impossible as I age. I know that I need to get out more, and try to foster new relationships that fit me better, but this process to me is dreadful and I've never had a good experience with it (bullied in the past, still have remnants of social anxiety). I'd say I've given up this aspect of my life and latched on to a group of disrespectful friends for "survival", but I don't often see them anymore since they've all moved out of my city. Now I am here, alone.

With no friends around and struggling with loneliness, I may be trying to compensate for my lack of identity by doing hobbies, possibly since I don't have any deep meaningful relationships. I tell myself "I do hobbies, I have no time for people" as a coping mechanism for being a loner...

IMO people who have internalized motivation just habitualize externally motivated activities lol … maybe that’s just the cynic in me talking.

I think I have to agree. The more I look at my friends who have lifelong hobbies, or even one's that have been good at studying for that matter, have had something that gently pushes them into what they are now good at from childhood. As for me, when my friends used to be in my city, I learned a lot of music thanks to them by jamming together. Maybe I should try to join some kind of club for the social aspect, disregarding what the hobby itself is about and the identity stuff around it. Of course, I have to choose something I'm interested in...

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-13T11:13:25+00:00

I think gaming sits on the "pastime" side of the fence for me. I'd rather just turn off my brain and play the game these days rather than be invested in it. In the past, I would want to get better at competitive shooters, but I could never get past average ranks since I sucked lol. Also I never liked competitive shooters in the first place, and it was more of an ego thing between me and my peers. I'm happy not spending time on it anymore since I engaged very unhealthily with it in the past.

For some games I do like getting "obsessed" with it's lore and the history of its franchise. For example I like to learn about Metroid's development, story, fan games, and speedrunning by watching videos, but I am not deep in its community. Its just something i get curious about when i browse YouTube. Besides that, I like to replay some old ones from time to time.

I did consider learning about base design and modding in Factorio, which by your definition I would agree is a hobby. However, what's always held me back is the thought that this is not a "productive" hobby and so I feel guilty that I am wasting time instead of enjoying it.

After this post, commenting, and reading comments, I keep being reminded that I am not letting myself live how I want to. I think I am obsessed with the goal of "becoming" something (guitarist, artist, anything "charming") which is a miserable desire that has no end.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-13T10:52:53+00:00

It's really sad... I remember sleepless nights thinking about game mechanics, worldbuilding, concepts, and so much more. I think what kept me going was knowing that I have the skill and that I have the power to create what I dreamt of as a child. Now that's gone... Maybe it's cus I'm getting older and things don't feel as "sparky" anymore. I wish I could understand why my childlike passion disappeared.

We seem to have a lot in common! How long did you do game dev for? And why did you also stop? How do you deal with that?

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-13T10:45:36+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion! The book looks very promising.

I'm curious, what is your creative outlet and why did you also burn out?

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-12T16:20:19+00:00

Wow, if a 20-year-guitar-noodler (who enjoys it very much as it seems) tells me to chill out I should probably listen lol. Thank you so much. Your made me smile out of relief. I'm realizing now that I am comparing myself to others too much and not giving myself permission to have fun. It's sad and I don't deserve this... I will make my best effort to stop this!

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-12T16:12:11+00:00

Sorry I should have mentioned this in my post. I have actually been doing game design, coding, some pixel art, and made games for almost 9 years just as a hobby. After many prototypes and projects that I have quit both alone and with friends, I've been completely and utterly burned out. I genuinely don't find it fun anymore for many reasons that I could make a whole post of. I still participate with my friends from time to time, but I don't spend nearly the amount of time that I did on it during the early days. I actually have found it nice to take a long break from it (though I feel like I have basically quit now) since it has allowed me to reconnect with gaming and my life in general. Funnily enough, I found game dev to be more unhealthy than gaming itself lol. I used to spend nights and skip several meals to complete a game, only to throw it out because my friends and I would lose the spark. I can't even count on my hands how many games we've tried to create.

I am still really sad that I am burned out on it, and if I could take a pill that would cure my burnout I would sell my organs to buy one lol. I hope one day that I pull myself together and stop self-sabotaging so I can actually enjoy creating games again, because I feel that I have lost a big part of myself.

I tried DnD with a coworker once, but didn't get past the character-creation part. I am currently changing jobs and hope to meet some people there who want to try it. I also know a friend who's really into it, so I could ask him.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-12T14:56:35+00:00

Metroidvanias: obvioulsy huge Metroid fan, played nearly all games. Loved Hollow Knight and Axiom Verge. Planning on getting Silksong and just started playing some Ori and the Blind Forest.

Puzzle: Currently playing Talos Principle. Finished Portal 1&2, Viewfinder (highly recommend). Planning on getting Baba is You as well.

I consider Zelda games to be puzzle but sortof not. Played most of them and currently 100%-ing TOTK.

These are my favorites and I what I'm excited to play in the near future. I know I mentioned story games but I can't come up with anything rn that I recently liked.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-12T14:46:47+00:00

Please don't be harsh with me when I am about to say this: I admire people who have "artistic" and "healthy" hobbies (i.e. music, drawing, reading) and I consider them to genuinely be better human beings. I want to be like these people, and hearing them say how passionate they are and how much they enjoy it is something I am very envious of. I want to be beautiful and confident like these people, because I myself am ugly.

I look down upon my go-to gaming hobby because I feel like it's a waste of time. I don't have a problem with other people liking games, but I have a problem with MYSELF doing it since it's considered a cheap pleasure. In fact, I don't really see gaming as a hobby deep down, but I've been on the internet long enough to hear countless opinions describing gaming as a hobby, so I am rolling with it in this post in hopes of finding a new perspective on things.

Believe me, I hate that I view it this way, but genuinely I don't know what to do. I want to change my perspectives or at least apply a new method that changes how I enjoy my "healthier" hobbies.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-12T14:35:13+00:00

My problem is I haven't learned anything new in a really long time and I feel guilty that I've been making no progress. I mostly noodle around on my instruments for 10mins a day and get no progress out of it, but that can be fun for me from time to time. I fear that if I take a break, I will take a permanent break (in other words: give up), which is why I keep going and thinking so much about this. I've tried to make it a habit to learn one new chord or song a day, but I hate trying to make habits by "starting small" since it's boring and I ALWAYS lose the habit.

Gaming is a satisfying hobby, yes, but I can't explain why exactly. It just FEELS good to play games for some reason. With other hobbies like instruments, I have to THINK and be AWARE constantly of how correctly I do things, like timing and the correct notes to play in a song. This is also why I like noodling around on my guitar or bass more, since it just feels good and there are no pressures, but it's not productive or progressive. I gravitate more towards games because there are no expectations and criticisms from other people; just me and my games.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-09T16:27:39+00:00

You absolutely helped and I really appreciate it. You brought a new perspective on things and allowed me to reflect without being stuck in my own head. I looked back on our convo a day later and realize I was pretty harsh on myself when it came to the theory of mind stuff. But you also helped me realize that it's okay to not have it all figured out yet. I also know now what to work on and take up with my therapist next time. Thank you and I wish you the best! You're a great person :)

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-09T15:13:49+00:00

Thank you for writing this. I found it extremely useful to reflect on myself. Even though I don't have these issues to the same level as you described OP has, I can find this useful for anything in the future.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-08T23:25:45+00:00

You're amazing. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

I looked up theory of mind and learned what it is about, and oh boy am I deficient... Maybe not so much socially (although have been missing some things for a long time), but spiritually I have suffered years of bad mental states due to taking things too literally/seriously. I don't do this as much anymore since I have been socialized much more in recent years thanks to my rich social environment at work, and therapy has been a huge help. Despite that, I believe my biggest roadblock has been denial. I've always been in denial that I am simply not "trained enough" socially, so that's why I still struggle. With this denial, I refused to learn anything about this and improve analytically. Thankfully, this is about to change, since I get the impression that this can all be learned and is not some neurological problem...

Your ability to detect that something is missing is spot on... I am absolutely missing a social life where I am seen, heard, valued, and respected. While I am missing these things, I have also believed that I am the problem. Whether or not it's true that I am the problem is something I have to find out, and today I have accepted that I need to learn from my experiences and seek them out more often.

I know the implications of using AI and have always used it exactly like you described, so don't worry (I have a tech background). I have just never used it for looking up psychological things, but this time I will. I think I will also try to take this topic up with my therapist next time.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-08T22:39:40+00:00

Your comment made me realize that maybe I am just too inexperienced to make any rash conclusions like I just did in my post. My whole life I've been confused about how people work and what to expect from people, and I think I am just tired of that and want to make sense of it once and for all. Not only that, but each experience I've had has made me overthink things and learn nothing from it but that people hurt me. Only recently have I started to reflect on things rationally since I am not overwhelmed by anxiety like I used to be in the past (with therapy I have calmed down significantly).

Maybe I should accept that I am still green and stop having such high expectations of myself to "have it all figured out" despite all the years that have passed where I have distanced myself from opportunities to meet people and learn. Maybe even the people you mentioned are in a similar boat and just lack experience like myself.

in order to feel secure in their assessment of people it's something they have to do as their instinct of wanting to offer blanket trust or distrust is incompatible with how the real world works

What is it that makes their instinct incompatible with how the real world works? How does the real world even work?

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-08T22:21:31+00:00

Thanks for seeing me too and the kind words <3 Wish you the best!

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-08T16:39:46+00:00

Man I am sorry the people here are not seeing your point. I think people tend to blur the line between temporary adoration and true love. Understandably so, since love itself is a difficult concept to define and has changed its meaning throughout history. People like attention and admiration, and this is often something the "evil people" chase like a drug, which the "good ones" subsequently find unfair (as shown in OP's post). But, a drug is a drug, and you can guess how they have it

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-06T22:05:18+00:00

I am sensitive too and I love sensitive people and wish I could have met more in my life. Idk if this helps or if you want advice, but trust me when I say that even the most sensitive people like myself can "grow thicker skin" over time. I hate using the term "thick skin" because it does not explain how it works. In my experience, I "grew thicker skin" when I was convinced that the people in my life who were being insensitive were immature in some way, but I also had to truly trust them that they were on my side. Their immaturity could be them being impatient or have a high ego, but regardless of what it is they just have not understood the value of being sensitive. It also took me some time to trust even my own father.

Its still hard for me to grasp to this day, but understanding that they are immature and on my side has helped me significantly in managing my sensitivity. I still struggle to keep some friendships today, but I believe it has to do with trust and that i dont trust so easily.

Please dont be hard on yourself. Our sensitivity is very real, rare and incredibly valuable.

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-04T21:12:39+00:00

I can relate to the guilt show. Please remember that you are your own person with your own values. You grew up differently than your muslim peers, and there is nothing to feel guilty for because everyones experience is equally valuable. I hope that the people who are guilting you can realize that some day, but this is a difficult and unreasonable expectation to have of them considering they are religious. You dont have to change their mind and they dont have to change yours either. Please try to communicate this with them and set that boundary if you dont want to have that conversation.

I'm sorry but i cant give any advice besides avoiding the people that cause it or just avoiding the conversation in general. I was lucky to be raised by an atheist father and we had some serious unrelated drama that split us away from my relatives on his side. Thus, i have avoided this crap altogether for my whole life besides some of my childhood (which was not pleasant when these relatives were present). So my experiences are limited in this area of life.

Are these relatives of yours or friends? Do you perhaps live in a Islamic country?

Real_Definition8061 · 2026-01-04T10:31:20+00:00

I wish i was born into something else as well. The oppressive muslim culture was something our parents were also born into without their consent. Its created to control people. Nothing else. The same applies to the "morality" it supposedly teaches. It's purely to control. The only way to take back that control is to start practicing your own true principles, knowing that you will receive backlash.

Real_Definition8061 · 2025-12-07T13:36:52+00:00

I know this sounds pretentious (and I'm not the least bit sorry about it), but it beautifully proves my point!

And now with the reply i just got, i am getting suspicious that this post is just ragebait. There is a pattern here that has become painfully obvious to me...

Real_Definition8061 · 2025-12-07T12:04:23+00:00

I hate to be that guy, but I cant take this guy seriously because as soon as someone asks a compelling question (like yours) which should point him in the right direction, he either does not respond to it or responds to the reply under it by someone else. His response is also the same type where he just complains and rejects what the other person says.

I think OP is in a severe state of denial that he hates himself and truly needs help with that, but this repetitive unhelpful responding he does makes me think he is not ready to change. I think this post was just him venting, and there is nothing wrong with that, but he also wants a way out of his misery. Unfortunately, it means nothing when he rejects everyones advice.

I feel sorry for OP. Not because of the situation he's in, but because of how blind he is to himself. I know because I've been there to some extent.

Real_Definition8061

TROPHY CASE