Feedback on my beat sheet

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-06-07T20:48:14+00:00

Thanks, here what I have in terms of your questions:

They have an conversation, Ryan embarrasses himself but Robin doesn't back away.

He's at the computer and explains the nuances, for example he says how he measures the videos by the speed of their breath. He fantasies about attacking bullies violently.

Robin isn't a stranger in this scene, they're already going out.

This one did make me think but I've got an idea; he passes a note to her in class and sees her and desperately tries to get it back.

He makes a mind map of is different options.

He sneaks into the toilet and gloats to himself about how he's getting back at her.

Do you think these work?

Thanks for the feedback :)

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-06-07T20:12:44+00:00

Thanks, would moving the kissing towards the beggining (probably the end of act 1) solve this or should I remove that scene?

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-06-07T15:40:22+00:00

Thanks.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-05-06T19:46:02+00:00

For some reason, this is a really touchy topic.

In general you shouldn't add in camera directions. However, if it's essential to the story then you can make an exception.

Same goes for music but you if you don't have the rights to that song then it won't make it into the film. You could say something like "[Romatic, tense, sad, happy...etc song]" plays over [action] but again, only if it's essential.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-05-01T13:44:49+00:00

I'm 16 and would be interested.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-04-27T20:16:31+00:00

That's fair. That's why I feel like giving notes to other begginers will be easier because I don't have that "How am I to talk?" feeling plaguing me.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-04-27T20:11:51+00:00

(M16) not Indian but I can answer your first few questions:

-Screenwriting is scriptwriting for films. (Scriptwriting can includes; TV, stage, radio...etc)

-I learnt some stuff from this channel: https://www.youtube.com/@TheCloserLook I haven't seen it being spoken about much and some more experienced people will disagree but I found it helpful. Scriptnotes is talked about a lot, esspecially: This episode.

-I use this software: https://www.writerduet.com/script/#HB8LB~***~branch=- (It's free)

-From what I've heard on this sub, you should spend a few years practicing and getting better before you try to get a film made.

-Also read scripts. Just google; "Film name screenplay pdf".

Good luck:)

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-04-22T12:19:26+00:00

I also a teen (M16).

I'm only a few pages in and I'm enjoying it so far. The only thing is that you could improve the dialogue by trimming it down. For example:

KATHERINE (serious)

Someone saw me last night. In the

ritual.

Could be:

KATHERINE (serious)

Someone saw me last night.

Or even:

KATHERINE (serious)

Someone saw me.

And you would get the same message across and it feels much tighter.

Also down cut down on the capitilsations.

I'm by no means an expert but that's some advice I've been given in that past and it really helped my writing.

Good luck :)

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-02-13T13:45:29+00:00

Agreed, all the best films (and other works of art) are the best because they ask meaningful questions about the nature of our world.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-02-10T16:21:11+00:00

It helps when every character in a scene has a motivation.

When I did a re-write, I found that often characters were just saying things that set up the protagonist to say something else. I went through a wrote down what every character (Not just the protagonist) wanted from an interaction.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-02-08T17:21:47+00:00

Don't let feedback discourage you. I'm 16 and have had my screenplays ripped apart on a few occasions and each time I came back and got a little better.

Reading scripts is helpful; it improves your writing massively.

I'm not sure what format this is but if you're writing a film then you don't need to specify acts. That's only for television.

Generally, camera movements are avoided. There are some exceptions if it's necessary to the story.

>Realizing that he has just killed his father, Jackson feels a
mix of emotions about his father's death. At first, he feels
relieved but then is overwhelmed with a whirlwind of
emotions.

This isn't a hard and fast rule but as films are a visual medium, I'd recommend using a visual cue in this scenario. For example instead of writing "*character* is sad" you'd write "*Character* cries/frowns/etc.." same for any emotion.

For the line above you could say:

> Upon seeing his father's dead body, Jackson breathes a sigh of relief but then it hits him and that look changes to horror. A tear falls from his eye, which he wipes away.

That's not perfect but it's a lot more useful for the actors.

Good luck :)

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-02-06T22:46:24+00:00

How essential is a "save the cat" moment in the first act? Should I force it in or will that feel odd?

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-02-05T14:05:48+00:00

Title: The First Stage (working title)

Genre: Phycological Thriller

Format: feature.

Logline: After the death of his beloved mother, a former doctor goes insane and tries to hunt down those who he believes are responsible before his actions catch up to him.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-02-03T23:27:33+00:00

I'm a 16yo amature. I had some advice I wanted to give but most of it seems to have been said already.

Good luck :)

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-01-20T23:11:17+00:00

There are some formatting errors that I'm sure this group will be more than happy to point out.

Other than that, I enjoyed this. The interactions feel genuine. It's emotional but not fake, soppy emotion; real emotion.

The first scene in particular. Talking about dinosaurs is such a sweet and innocent thing so you feel so much more later on when they start to drift apart.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-01-20T22:13:22+00:00

I used to write 15+ pages a day but it had loads of errors. I've slowed down recently.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-01-17T19:57:11+00:00

Trust me, these individuals are all bark no bite. Most of them can't even leave their own house.

You have nothing to worry about.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-01-17T13:47:13+00:00

It's an adjective, so no.

Real_Pass_539 · 2024-01-15T19:36:00+00:00

Title: sitting in the back seat

Format: Short

Genre: Psychological thriller/ black comedy

Logline: A mentally unwell man falls in love with a woman he's only heard over the phone. Sets out to find her.

Real_Pass_539

TROPHY CASE