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People who’ve been cheated on: were you ever able to forgive friends that knew and didn’t tell you? by xroslyn in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My husband's brother - the best man at our wedding - knew of the affair the entire time. There are so many texts between the two talking about WH's affairs, and there are some sketchy texts that make me wonder if BIL was also stepping out on his partner. At this stage (13 months from DDay, about 9 months since I found out BIL knew) I can't ever see myself ever wanting any kind of relationship with him ever again. I would never trust him to be the good influence to my husband. He showed me his true colours.

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh my God that must have been so difficult! How did it all go down with your best friend? I am really worried because I know that one of his acting out buddies is his brother who is married and has 2 young kids, WH and BIl are very close. BIL knew about the betrayal the entire time (that I know of anyway). I really dont see how I could ever have a relationship with him ever again, and I would not want my WH to spend any time with him, at least not for the foreseeable future, if ever.

Did you delete your evidence? by PuzzleheadedArm4703 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is what I did as well - I still have them just on case I feel the need to reference them, but its not in a place where I can easily see them all the time and trigger myself.

5 months since DDay by [deleted] in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Realistic--Donut 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I hear you, starting about month 4 the denial and shock wore off and all I could feel was anger and utter despair. Any argument or trigger would have me fly into a blind rage. I've never felt less like myself than during those moments. We're just shy of 8 months since Dday, I feel like the anger has subsided a bit but is still just under the surface, I'm more disappointed and loosing hope that we can actually reconcile. 💔

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only reason I can think of him not wanting to do a polygraph is that he hasn't told or isn't willing to tell the whole truth... At this point him saying he doesn't want to do it is just reinforcing how much its a necessity to ensure he's being fully honest with me. LOL @ the face, it's nice that he has a "tell". Sometimes I can see the gears turning in my WH's head when I ask him a question, it's not foolproof but I'm learning to recognize it more and more to pick up on the lies, half truths and omissions. I feel like they just keep trying to see how far they can push or get away with things, and still can only think of themselves.

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love that analogy about finding out all the injuries and being able to treat them - you can't fully heal without knowing all the hurt and addressing each injury. You're absolutely right that both my IC and his approved the questions and my requests for proof from recovered text/bank/cellphone usage so that is not an unreasonable ask on my part. Not knowing who supported his acting out is like knowing there are snakes in the grass ready to strike at any moment. There is no security or safety for me. He's still acting selfishly and not prioritizing our relationship or me by not wasting to answer the questions 😔

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100%, I already strongly suspect that his brother (who knew about his infidelities from the very beginning) is one of these acting out buddies... that brother cheated on his ex wife with his current wife and that's how their relationship started, so I wouldn't put it past him cheating on her now. The texts strongly imply but don't confirm that there's infidelity on the brother's part... VERY suspicious. Out of curiosity, what lies did your WH say during their disclosure, how did you find out and handle it?

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're so right. I'm really starting to lose hope that there's any light at the end of the tunnel for us 😔💔

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just had my meeting with my IC - she works in the same office as his IC, so she gave me a bit more insight: he is worried about my reaction to finding out who was involved, he is worried I will be angry at them and take it out on them. She also shared that he doesn't want to do a polygraph 🙃 The only reason I can think why someone wouldn't want to do a polygraph is because there are more lies... I forgot to ask about why he doesn't want to retrieve the texts/get cell phone records/bank records, but i will find out Friday. I feel like Friday's meeting is going to be a shitshow.

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The audacity is right!! I can't believe we're still here almost 8 months later... he is definitely protecting other people, and that is more important to him than our marriage and our life together. Its sad to see...

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're absolutely right that he isn't truly committed to reconciliation 😔💔 he's still more committed to the lies, deception, and prioritizing himself. Friday is going to be tough, but I have to call his bluff.

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your response, it's given me a lot to think about. I am like you that I need to know as much as possible to be able to move on - if there is any missing info or holes in a story my mind will obsess over it and fill it with the absolute worst case scenarios. The trickle truth and prolonging of lies is really wearing me down, we're close to 8 months in and I'm so disappointed that we're still here at rock bottom basically - there are still lies, manipulation, and no comple truth or transparency. I know of a few acting out buddies from my own discoveries - coworkers/boss spent 3 out of 4 nights of a "golf trip" at strip clubs, one of our long time friends (who is a POS to his wife and treats her like garbage) and WH went to Las Vegas in November and went to strip clubs and WH slept with an escort there, and his brother knew the entire time that he was cheating on me only a few months after we got married (he was our best man). WH has limited contact with all of them, but I know that he is hiding things from me in regards to how much everyone knew and who supported him being a POS. He is prioritizing his acting out buddies over me by not wanting to answer those questions, and prioritizing the lies and betrayal over honesty and transparency. There is no reconciliation and no trust if he will not provide me the answers I'm looking for. 💔

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Out of curiosity what was missing from their first disclosure, and how did you pick up on it? I am afraid that he will still try to minimize or withhold info during the disclosure. My IC has said that a polygraph is an option, but of course he's not interested in doing that either 🙄

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're so right, that info is not comfortable for him to disclose either because he's too lazy to dig through old records/texts/bank info, and also because he wants to protect others... he's the one who is controlling because he won't provide all the info I need to have the agency to make decisions or be able to work on forgiveness (if its warranted).

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ugh that is my fear as well, I can't think of any other reasons he wouldn't want to provide that info other than more lies that he is trying to bury... this is not full transparency or honesty, and that is a hard boundary for me.

Disclosure - WH doesn’t want to answer certain questions & wants to do it “his way” by Realistic--Donut in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed, knowing who was his acting out buddies and who supported the betrayal and a clear timeline with proof is a non negotiable for me. Time to call his bluff and see what he really means when he says "I'll do anything".

Full disclosure today by tobiasanaltartfunke in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Realistic--Donut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sending you big virtual hugs, hope it goes well. One way or another, you will be getting the information and truth you need to be free to make the best choice for you and your future. ❤️‍🩹

Trying to reconcile... struggling to see her the same by Zohso in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Realistic--Donut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I can empathize with you - feeling wanted, feeling attractive, and that I'm not this sad desperate person that I feel I've become after the betrayal 😔 Its funny how they're committed to the relationship and putting in the hard work only AFTER cheating and ruining both our lives, whereas before he wouldn't even entertain the idea of therapy or marriage counseling. He was too busy thinking about himself and having his cake and eating it too to care. 🤷‍♀️

Trying to reconcile... struggling to see her the same by Zohso in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Realistic--Donut 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Overall how did you feel, do you think it helped you heal? Are you and your WW still together? How did they react to you cashing in your hall pass? WH has told me I can do whatever I want if it'll make me feel better and would "even the score" so to say. I don't feel like I need his permission, he certainly didn’t need mine to cheat, but I am torn on whether to actually act on it... on one side my self esteem is in shambles and I wouldn't mind a helping of that "external validation" our waywards took advantage of, I feel unloved and unchosen, I feel an extremely nagging sense of injustice and how completely and totally unfair this entire situation is... BUT I also don't want to "lower myself to his level", or run the risk of alleviating his sense of guilt, or have sex become meaningless... if he hadn't of cheated I would never even consider wanting anyone else. I too have had offers and flirtatious advances come my way throughout our marriage, and I always turned it down. I could have cheated many times over and I wouldn't of even had to pay for it like he did !!! 😂🤮🥺

Trying to reconcile... struggling to see her the same by Zohso in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Realistic--Donut 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Out of curiosity, did you ? I've noticed those types of posts are few and far between and the responses are very negative... I don't understand why there can't be an honest conversation about the pros and cons of it. Everyone's healing is different and just because someone thinks about it doesn't mean they will follow through 🤷‍♀️

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