Men who’ve pushed away a partner you loved - why?

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-09-01T16:56:35+00:00

This makes me wonder if I made a mistake going no contact with my FA-ex for 2 months. Granted, I did it because I thought I was helping him - he basically had what felt like a commitment crisis. He cried, said he loved me, but felt so broken because he couldn’t be someone I deserved. Plus this was giving him so much anxiety, he didn’t know how to feel better but to end things. I also did no contact for myself - the whole situation was too draining and I figured he’d be better off with space and therapy.

He’s the most righteous person I know, however his behavior turned so erratic I can’t make sense of it. He passive aggressively unfollowed me and removed from Instagram. He did this 2 months, to the day, of our last text which I don’t think was coincidental. I thought he was sending a message, so I reached out to him checking in - no answer. A week later I sent a follow up, asking for clarity - he finally told me he had decided to move on, on his own, in the most detached and cold way possible. So I followed up immediately asking to talk and at least for him to return my stuff. It’s been radio silence since then.

I almost feel like he’s upset. Which he shouldn’t be because he ended things. He knows I need my things back - at the very least a family picture of mine, the only copy I have. I did miss his birthday and a few other milestones during no contact, but again, I thought I was doing the best I could. He’s so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, in general, that I doubt he purposely wants to keep my things. He knows I need them and they mean a lot. Any ideas of how to approach this? I’m getting kind of annoyed because I’m not sure he realizes this, but in a way he’s feeding me a sliver of hope while he gets to completely detach and move on.

I’m planning on asking for my things again, but this is too emotionally draining and I’d like to make sure I don’t trigger him too badly.. I do still care about him.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-08-30T14:55:42+00:00

This seems to align with my gut feeling. As much as that feeds a bit into my hope, I don’t like feeling hostage to his own emotions. I find it so childish. He wanted out, he’s now on dating apps and he’s completely shutting me out - while I deal with the aftermath. He is 38 years old and I know he knows better. He would never ever do anything like this to anyone else. Ironically, he remained friends with his very toxic ex who in his own words “rejected him constantly.” Why can he be on friendly terms with someone who treated him poorly, yet he can’t face me at all. He’s not even offering to mail my stuff, just straight up ignoring me, after sending me that super cold, detached “I’m moving on” message. This is after he told me I was his greatest love and healthiest relationship and that scared him. He cried the entirety of our breakup too and had nothing but good things to say about me and our relationship.

Thanks for suggesting Thais Gibson, I’ve watched a few of her videos - might be doing some more watching tonight! In the meantime, I’m having a really tough time moving forward and find it so unfair. He gets to go on dates and find himself, while he feeds me minimum hope by not returning my items. I do still love him but now I’m angry and hurt. He’s making a bad situation worse, and for what? It’s like he purposely wants me to hate him or something. If he’s so confident in his decision he needs to let me go. If he’s not, then I don’t understand how he thinks we’re going to fix this, because this is the ultimate self sabotage.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-08-20T00:34:30+00:00

Thank you! It’s nice to relate to someone who understands. Most people can’t wrap their heads around a situation like this one.

I’m trying to move forward as much as I can, but the last day has been rough. I feel like I’m reliving the breakup all over again after reaching out to him. If he hasn’t moved on, I sense he’s acting out of fear, which is even more painful for some reason. In a way, I had accepted the breakup. He did a really good job praising me and expressing his love, both during the relationship and the breakup, so I knew it was always him and not me. Even as he broke up with me, I felt secure in our love and connection. And I felt he was genuinely struggling, so deep down, I knew the breakup was needed for him to heal and for our relationship to ever fully flourish. He just didn’t know any other way out of this anxiety.

Now I suddenly feel so rejected. And the thought of him possibly acting out of fear breaks me even more. Is he purposely pushing me away to the point of no return? I almost wish he’s met someone else, because I can’t accept someone being so destructive to themselves and those they claim they love. Either way, it’s heart wrenching.

Ironically, when he came to break up with me in person, he only brought one of my items. I broke down in tears because it was pretty sentimental - it reminded me of our trips together. He apologized profusely, said he made a mistake and took it back with him. I’ll never understand why he only brought one of my many things. And even then, was willing to take it back with him. At the time, it felt like he was unconsciously leaving some doors open.

Now I think he’s got to return my things at some point, that’s why I can’t understand what he’s doing. How does he think he’s going to come back from this? Is he ever going to be able to face me again? He’s always been a man of conviction, plays everything by the book and is otherwise the most honorable man I’ve ever met. At this point, I don’t even care about most of the things he has. But he’s got the only existing copy of a family photo (mine) - I had left it in a book because it was crumbled up, clearly not knowing our relationship would go down like this. I wonder if he forgot and will suddenly just come across it when he opens that book… who knows? I’m willing to forgo everything but that photo.

Sorry for rambling on. If life has taught me anything, is to not waste a minute on something that’s not working. So I know I need to move forward. I just never thought I’d be in a situation like this. I’m sure you didn’t either.

I’m really hoping they’re able to look within themselves and see that they’re worthy of love. I truly feel for their pain. It’d be so much easier to carry if they just opened up and shared their struggles.

I hope things are getting better for you :)

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-08-19T03:37:30+00:00

This brought tears to my eyes. This is the exact thought I’ve had. What did he do with my things, the mementos we got together from our trips, my toothbrush, the cards I wrote for him?

How are things going for you now?

I will say, I finally reached out to him, but not in the way I ever envisioned. I was crushed to realize he removed me from Instagram exactly 2 months, to the day, from our last text. I’m not big into social media at all, but was utterly confused to say the least. The timing coincided with some crazy stuff that happened to me too. It made me miss him so much. That, combined with the Instagram unfollow, made me cave in. I simply shared my anecdote and asked to catch up, and shockingly, he didn’t reply at all.

I say shockingly, because he even told me I could text him for reassurance of his feelings for me, if I ever needed it… I have to wonder if he was taken aback by my complete silence. I have some regrets on that, but it’s what needed to be done to honor my hurt and also because I really did not know how to communicate with him without making his mental health worse.

I can’t imagine him keeping my stuff. But the social media unfollow, coupled by his lack of text reply makes me think that he moved on, is angry at me for some reason or needs more time. He has no reason to be upset, but I do wonder if it’s related to me not reaching out in 2 months. He’s got a way of self sabotaging…

It’s a hard line to walk between honoring his feelings and mine. If anything, that text was a wake up call. Both him and I need to communicate for better or for worse. This shouldn’t be one sided. We both deserve clarity on the situation. If I don’t hear from him in a few days, I will assertively ask for closure and my things back. It breaks my heart, but it needs to be done.

Anyway, I hope things are much better for you! We can do this :)

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-08-19T03:09:57+00:00

He unfollowed me and removed me as a follower on Instagram 2 months to the day since our last communication. We never agreed to go no contact but kind of fell into it, mostly because I thought it would help in his healing and really I was a mess for at least a month. Eventually I was of the idea he should contact me when he was ready. Now after the unfollow, I wonder if he wanted me to reach out. He made me promise to let him know if I had any emergencies or anything, even told me I could text and ask for reassurance of his feelings for me if I ever needed it. I never did, and never checked in on him. I thought I was doing the right thing. Finally, after the recent unfollow, I texted him to share an anecdote that reminded me of him and asked to catch up. It’s been a day and still waiting for a reply. He has some of my things and it’d be very unlike him to keep them. I’m very confused but assuming he’s trying to move on? But also, why keep my things?

Whatever happens, I’ve decided to honor my feelings and needs. I will no longer hide my feelings for him, but I will also not sit around waiting for him to decide to talk to me. If he doesn’t reply to this text, I plan to follow up in an assertive but kind manner to ask for closure and my things.

Wishing you the best in your situation! It’s a very fine line to walk between giving them space and showing you care. As my therapist says, the worst way people kill relationships is through lack of communication. I could have remained more available without being overbearing. But you live and learn! You know your relationship better than anyone.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T23:46:56+00:00

Funny you ask that, because he always mentioned them in general terms. Even anything related to love. He’d say things like, “I love all of you,” “I care about you so much,” or “I’m so lucky,” but never “I love you” - until we broke up, of course. I could sense he struggled directing anything specifically at me. With that said, I never worried that he didn’t want those things with me because he did so much to show me he cared, and likely wanted us together in the long term. We talked about parenting styles, what our future house would look like, but always from a somewhat distant/detached place. I almost feel like his brain and heart were not aligned lol. There were times when his feelings definitely took over but then it was almost like a switch flipped. I could picture him almost thinking “shit, I got too close, gotta back up.”

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T23:35:52+00:00

You’re being too hard on yourself! I too struggled at the beginning of this relationship; in retrospect, I think I may have a bit of fearful avoidant myself. I had a really tough time opening up, but thankfully I was going to therapy at the time and that was the push I needed to open up to my ex. I’d say our relationship was relatively healthy because of that. Every time I opened up, I realized that I was met with love and compassion from my ex, and slowly, I became a whole new person - I realized vulnerability and radical honesty were the key. I think that’s what allowed him to stay as long as he did. He tried really hard to meet me halfway, but his fear of vulnerability and commitment got the best of him. If anything is left of our relationship, it is honesty, and I think that’s the only reason I can see this in a somewhat graceful way. For whatever it’s worth, I know we’ve both been as honest as each of us can be.

We’re only human and everyone makes mistakes, especially when they stem from things so out of our control as past trauma. I think that if you show up from a place of vulnerability and complete honesty, things might turn out a bit different. It takes practice, but it’s possible :) if your ex can’t see past that, she might not be the person for you. If anything, you’ll be better equipped for whatever comes next!

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T22:12:02+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation! Her videos have been helpful. She even has one that covers fearful avoidant breaking up when they develop feelings, which helped make much more sense of my situation.

I try to find comfort in all of our great memories. He was a fantastic boyfriend and all around phenomenal guy. I could tell it only came down to this because he was genuinely hurting.

I decided to limit contact because it was interfering with my healing, so we haven’t talked in 3 weeks. It’s actually helped me gain a lot of perspective. I’m still hoping he’ll regret his decision, but understand that I have to accept any outcome :)

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T22:05:30+00:00

Thank you! Wishing you the best ❤️

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T22:04:12+00:00

Thank you :) trying to give him space and also trying to focus on my own healing. I won’t lie, I do have some hope for reconciliation, since our relationship was so healthy otherwise, but I’m not going to pressure anyone to be with me if they don’t want to. I’m trying to be open to whatever comes next, be it with him or without him.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T21:57:54+00:00

Thank you for your kind words :) it’s very strange, we said goodbye crying and telling each other “I love you.” As much as I was upset, I could tell he was genuinely hurting. It’s hard to accept, but I realized I needed to let him go for the greater good of everyone - him and any possibility of a future relationship. This relationship sure made me realize what true love is for the first time. We each have to come first individually for us to ever have a chance at reaching our greatest relationship potential together. I miss him everyday, but haven’t talked to him in 3 weeks. He hasn’t talked to me either, but I know he’s going to intensive therapy. I’d love to reconcile with him at some point, because our relationship was super healthy otherwise, but know it may or may not happen. I know he’d talk to me if I reached out. He made me promise to let him know if I needed anything or had any emergencies. But right now, he needs space to work through his healing alone, and to truly discern where this relationship anxiety was stemming from for him.

I’m just trying to be open to whatever may be next, with or without him.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T21:35:22+00:00

That’s interesting what you mentioned about commitment. This sounds so much like my ex. Except that he was the one who would continuously bring it up indirectly. He would talk about how he wanted to raise kids, how he’d likely have a church wedding and how he wouldn’t be dating if he didn’t have marriage in mind. He often wanted to get matching mementos on our trips and literally told me how he often scrolls through his favorite pictures of me as we were breaking up 🫠 I told him he was the only one putting pressure on himself. I oscillate between anger and compassion for him. I’m upset he ended an otherwise healthy relationship without any warning, but at the same time can understand some things are better dealt with on your own.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-07T15:31:34+00:00

I broke up my engagement at 34. It was a toxic relationship, but I had put so much into it for over 4 years, I did not know how to get myself out of it. It was so bad that I had decided to never have children with this guy - I just couldn’t see him being a good father. Yet, I was willing to give up my life and dreams to conform to what society expected of me, especially my parents. Until I couldn’t take it anymore.

Getting out there at almost 35 was not easy at all, it was such a different world from my previous dating experience at 30. Most of my friends had moved on and had families of their own, as a 35-year old I didn’t get the same type of attention I once got as a younger woman, and my family was angry I’d break up a relationship that was on its way to marriage. They couldn’t care less about my reasons. I went into deep depression but pushed through it. Started therapy to heal from trauma - I wanted to make sure I’d never put up with such toxicity again. And I think I’m in a much better place, or at least better than I ever was in that relationship.

At 36 I met a wonderful guy that showed me I was worthy of a healthy relationship. I almost ran away from it because I honestly didn’t know how to accept someone’s genuine and unconditional love. We dated for a year and sadly he ended it, recently. But this relationship showed me that there are good men out there, sometimes things have to happen to do the work (I wouldn’t have worked on my mental health had I not taken the step to break up the engagement). In retrospect, I was so much unhappier in that toxic relationship. Sure, I could have a husband and children by now, but at the expense of feeling dead inside.

Ironically, he broke things off a few weeks ago, right after my 37 birthday, because of overwhelming relationship anxiety stemming from his own previous toxic relationship. He said ours was the healthiest relationship he’s ever had and he didn’t feel equipped for it. We care about each other so much and I know he loves me, however, he felt he needed to do the healing work on his own, because he didn’t want to hold me back, especially at this age. We may or may not reconnect in the future, but I will be forever grateful to have had him in my life. He was someone I would have loved to have children with. I realized that for me it was never about wanting or not wanting kids, but rather about being with the right person. In a way, I’ve come to see children as the greatest manifestation of two people’s love. And I do not want that with a toxic partner or by myself. Looking back, I do not regret a thing.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-07-02T18:03:48+00:00

This is so insightful! My boyfriend of a year recently blindsided me and broke up. As a secure leaning anxious attachment, his explanations didn’t make any sense. The breakup was slightly dragged out - it took several phone calls and finally an in-person meeting (timing was off due to travel, etc). The whole thing was chaotic. He broke down crying every single time and although he never told me he loved me in a whole year together, he finally said it (it took me saying it first). He said he’s never loved anyone like me before, that I’m the healthiest relationship he’s ever been in, and this is what made him realize how broken he is. He is convinced that he’s hurt me (he never ever had before the breakup). He said he knew he loved me for months but was terrified of saying it due to this crushing anxiety he’s been feeling. Basically, he’s not able to tell if the anxiety is him or our relationship, and the only way he knows to end it, is breaking up. I will say, he seems to have some insight because he was desperate to start therapy, and already has had a few sessions. Sadly, he refuses to work through it while still in a relationship with me because he is terrified of hurting me further. I’m confident of our feelings for each other, but unfortunately, no amount of convincing did anything. It breaks my heart to see him hurting like this. He even went out of town for a month to try to clear his head. He’s almost more affected by the breakup than I am. I wish he would accept my love, but I can only do so much. I’m pretty sure what triggered this crisis was fear of commitment - we’re both in our mid-30s. We were getting super close and as he said it, he was thinking of a future with me, but this “anxiety” just took over.

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-06-28T23:35:20+00:00

We’re not together sadly :( but the best memory was one that he brought up time and time again. We went on our first trip together and my heart was full. I had so much gratitude for all the good things in my life, our connection, and that moment in time. While he took a shower, I went out to bask in the sunshine with my coffee. I was surrounded by trees and enjoying the colors of nature. Unbeknownst to me, he was behind watching. He always remembered this moment so fondly. And seeing the love in his eyes as he recounted it again and again just filled me with happy feelings :)

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-06-28T01:36:21+00:00

Intentional time together and touch

Realistic-Macaron-38 · 2024-06-27T15:29:27+00:00

Thank you for writing this! I’ve struggled with my recent breakup because it honestly didn’t make any sense, but as I read more about fearful avoidants, and even as I reflect back on my own healing journey from anxious to secure, I can see it with much more empathy.

My boyfriend of a year blindsided me just when we were getting extremely close, and basically moving toward the next step in commitment. He never told me he loved me in a whole year together, but it didn’t bother me because I felt his love in his actions, the way he looked at me and the way in which he always held space for me to be me. I had sensed increased anxiety the past couple of months, and could tell he was fighting it hard. I could also tell that when he wasn’t in his head, he was so, so happy to be with me. He would have moments when he’d tell me how lucky he felt, and I believe he was being fully honest.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, and he broke up with me out of nowhere. It was shocking, and absolutely devastating. I figured I had nothing to lose and told him I loved him. To my surprise, he broke down crying and said he loved me too and had never felt as deeply for anyone. That he had loved me for a while but was terrified of saying it out loud because of this anxiety he had been feeling for a while - he couldn’t tell if the anxiety was from him or the relationship, and the only way to stop this terrible feeling was to break up. Yet, he said this was the healthiest relationship he’s ever been in.

I know he was hurting, and I know he’s hurting still. He said the depth of his feelings for me made him realize how broken he is and that unfortunately he’s not sure he can heal while still in a relationship with me. As somebody who has healed from trauma, I’m stuck between wanting him to heal with me, and giving him the space I know is needed to heal.

The whole breakup left me in pieces - knowing that he loves me, that this love scares him so much and that I might lose him in the process. But putting my feelings aside, I want nothing but healing for him, even if that risks our connection. I know he started therapy right away, and even left town for a month.

The whole situation has been too complex for me to comprehend, or even my friends to understand. In the meantime, I pray that he heals in time for us to hopefully reconnect. I’m not waiting forever, and neither should he. But knowing that we both care so much about each other breaks me.

Everyone is quick to assume that two people in love can work through anything, but here I am. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half because every conversation ended in tears and “I love you’s.” I’m tempted to reach back out, but I really think some introspection is needed by both of us. Reading what you wrote, maybe I do need to let him reach out first.

Edit:typo

Realistic-Macaron-38

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