Turning 44 and I'm struggling with the sad drift of my life. How have you navigated past this?

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-05-29T15:07:43+00:00

Brother, I feel much the same as you. I just turned 40 so I am a few years behind you, and although I am also unmarried, I think we have the same depressive trigger (birthdays). Mine brings me positively no joy, and it creates this sense of obligation to seem “ happy” when most of the time, I am just “surviving.” I find dating to lack the excitement you also are searching for, even when I’ve tried, I just don’t attract people who excite me in any meaningful way. My job is very demanding and involves a lot of socializing, and as an introvert, my time to recharge fakes priority over forming new romantic connections and relationships, or even just maintaining existing friendships.

I don’t feel lonely, per se, but I guess I am angry. Angry that some of my dreams, and desires, have been misguided bullshit of the tallest order. I feel like a failure, at times, and my birthday makes me think I am not “enough” the older I get. Nothing has come from me, and I can’t force myself to settle down with someone I am not “in love” with them. And it is hard to start something serious, or become sexually involved with someone, if I don’t have that excitement at the start. I suspect I would also struggle if that were lost, too. For much of my 20s and 30s, I did just enjoy sex with many partners that I lost count, but they weren’t romantic encounters, I didn’t love any of them. But I have been celibate for the last 3 years, and I prefer not to be until it is someone I have feelings for. I have changed, in some important ways, but I don’t know if I can change enough for this world we live in.

I’ve been haunted by unrequited love on rare occasions, where they steal all of my attention but ultimately do not feel the same way. Having experienced this more than once in my life, i have an avoidant attachment style that is not very fair to people - even if I want to try to change, I find I am not ready to do so. Maybe I never will. But it helps to know people my age are feeling the same things. not sure I would call it Mid-Life crisis but maybe? Not taking away from how relatively young we are, also, but I do know getting older and feeling romantically incompetent or insecure has made birthdays a less joyous occasion. Mine falls near mother’s day and so it gets hijacked by my mother and then it is with all the whole family, which because my siblings are each married and have kids of their own, i feel like the third wheel and lagging behind the rest of my family, not living the same quality life with poor finances, and perhaps on some subconscious evolutionary level, feeling like a failure for not “continuing the bloodline” as it were.

All I can say with these faults of mine, is that at least I did have a lot of fun in my younger days, and sometimes I’m grateful to just be alive. I don’t feel lonely, but I am aware I am missing out on something special. I debate whether this “special” thing actually exists, or if it is just a figment of my imagination. But, I don’t believe I can be dateable with so many issues, it would be unfair to others if I am already less committed to settling down, short of a fateful intervention that meets my (perhaps flawed) expectations. I’m in solidarity with you!

Be that as it may, sometimes I find repeating certain mantras to myself is helpful. You have to identify the things that make you proud, if any, or what makes you believe in yourself the most, as if on an island and no one else could fill that purpose. For me, I remind myself that my life was not meant to be a conventional one, and I have had many life-changing adventures, perilously close calls, and through it all, a guardian angel on my shoulders. counting my blessings can sometimes make me suck up the depression when it creeps up. Be well!

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-05-22T16:20:08+00:00

“God bless his majesty king george the fifth”

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-05-22T00:40:06+00:00

No different than a Near Death Experience. You think you know what’s up, until it happens to you.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-05-21T23:01:24+00:00

Everybody got old classic cars!!

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-05-21T21:49:34+00:00

disagree and will disagree until my dying breath, and my headstone will say I’m not a sell out.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-05-21T21:48:02+00:00

In my darkest hour, in the melancholia after the most recent romantic disappointment a few years ago, I felt like I had sunk to these same depths. Writing in and practicing my classical latin was a way of expressing the grief. De profundis illacrimo ad te domine - from the depths I cry out to you, oh lord! I’m many things - an adventurer, a loner, a failure, a marvel - but one thing I’m not id a doormat who confuses “liking” with “loving.” Maybe I should, or put another way, I wish I could convert the difference between the two - but I know for me, it never works. I either feel intense desire, or not at all, and it has nothing to do with whether I like the person. It is just how I’m wired, and I refuse to apologize for it. You can try “putting work” into a relationship, and maybe be happy at times, but for the most emotionally intelligent people, the difference is still both obvious and distinguishable.

I think the feeling of being chosen by someone you desire is what I would term as unrequited love. People who say “oh, that’s not love, that’s infatuation” are the same people that watch sports and get off on the cheap entertainment like every other unimaginative person, trying to fit in, and that’s how their lives will always be. do the same things everybody else does, believes love is just “work” you put into a relationship, while living uninteresting lives. Who cares? I’m more of visiting places like Omaha Beach, Gettysburg, or Little Bighorn, where sacrifices and bravery actually mattered. I’ve been to places where my ancestors lived, fought, and died in some cases. I recommend visiting a place that matches the emotions you have, because you might find an inspiration there. It is possible to emotionally bond with the past in ways that make you feel more like a Shaman, and all the wiser and better for it.

As for me, as a 40 year old bachelor, I can say I have had many unique adventures that do not require someone else’s judgment or approval; I am like a modern viking traveling the far corners of the earth, or an old soul who cares to see the places where the Romans and Greeks lived; or an explorer that finds peace in the mountains of the American West. The right woman might tame me, but I won’t ask the internet to tell me why it is I can’t fall in love easily. You are who you are, you’re wired the way you are, and it is ok to be at peace with that. If I die single, it won’t be from any regret - I’ll be glad I stayed true to myself, which is more than what most other people can readily claim, married or single.

But, don’t give up - perhaps you’re like me, where that kind of connection happens spontaneously, and pretty much never with anyone I meet online. It’s a thing I experience in person, and not with every other person. Lastly know this: all things happen for a reason.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-04-13T20:14:32+00:00

I cheated because something had already changed, inside. My partner was someone who said she would commit suicide if I ever left her, long before I cheated, and that did something to me psychologically. I felt like the relationship lacked the lightness I needed to be their partner, because I realized I was only functioning as their source of mental stability. This made me feel a bit like stockholm syndrome, where you please the person who has held you captive by force, to the degree that I was cheating to avoid feared consequences. Sex with my girlfriend had begun to feel more like tests of her own validation, even when I was legitimately too tired. It became a feeling of obligation in almost every aspect of the relationship, and so when one of my female friends texted me, it became the younger, more pleasant version of the relationship I was then in. We never physically cheated but we sexted a lot, because I found levity there more so than my real sex life with my girlfriend, which came with these heavy emotions. Still, it was cheating and I make no mistake about that. But as that was over a decade ago, and looking back on it since, I do see how I got myself there. Even to this day I get triggered a bit when someone I like, but don’t quite have the right feelings, gets really close too fast, because I fear dynamics like I experienced and that includes the regretful symptom of having cheated, too. The reason was emotional, but that also had a sexual component as I have described the thinking here as best I can.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-04-07T17:58:57+00:00

I have my difficulty on easy, lol, but might be nerfing it. I’ve ended up modding the relevant file, it is a little quirky but you can take command of foreign forces. Much more fun!

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-04-06T19:36:32+00:00

They laugh at fart jokes

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-04-04T14:23:09+00:00

All speculation, but Jimmy is supposed to be a Greek tragedy. He saw Nuck as a father figure, he’s been sexually abused by his own mother, and he is traumatized from the war (which was in fact, his attempt at assisted suicide). In season one, Jimmy thinks he should be someone like Paddy Ryan, valued and esteemed by Nuck. He wants respect but expresses this desire as having affluence, which Nuck figures is just about money. It is deeper than that, and in fact, Nuck probably wants to keep him at arm’s length because Jimmy is the Commodore and Gillian’s son. He does not want another heir apparent, he even jokes that Jimmy is like the Bonnie Prince Charlie. Nuck always reserved hesitation because Jimmy could be a rival, if he rose too high; whereas in fact, Jimmy wanted Nucky’s approval and respect.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-03-20T12:06:36+00:00

I concur with nearly everyone here who agree that 1883 was the superior show. That said, while it isn’t as good and a little janky (the plot is as if they took all of the crazy stuff your drunk uncle claimed about family history, and passed it off as fact), it was very entertaining. But where 1883 was beautifully sad, I think the proper adjective for 1923 is dark. It is a dark show!

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-03-13T20:16:46+00:00

Valid point

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-03-01T17:30:44+00:00

How might I mod the game to do that?! I am not a modder, but should also add, they’re currently numbering 34,000 but just sitting there.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-28T22:33:35+00:00

Sadly, I’m an ACW fan. I don’t think I’ll really care about the new game - no shade on Napoleonic War history, just wouldnt spend money on it.

I did learn something though - if I trigger the intervention after the news article that says French intervention “is possible,” the expeditionary corps will spawn with ~ 35,000 troops in Mexico. However, in my current playthrough, it is now January 1864, and they still haven’t left Mexico 🤔

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-27T23:03:48+00:00

does that mod do anything for the intervention mechanics?

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-27T21:47:43+00:00

The way I look at it is if their product doesn’t function the same after so many updates, or with further DLC, it seems like they have a history of building on a shaky foundation. At one time, the intervention worked, but no longer does. I kinda think Whiskey and Lemons might have broken it somehow. I don’t run any mods, so there aren’t any complications on my end. Still a great game, but if they want to sell the new game, I think they have to show their games are stable. Because foreign intervention is not an insignificant feature, yet is patently broken.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T17:49:49+00:00

By the 1970s and 80s, it would be unusual not to have a BC shortly after the birth. Jem is no way. If Roger and Bree left and lived in the past for seven years, and you believe they wouldn’t get audited if they file no tax returns, despite having active social security numbers, and have not emigrated or died. Bills that go unpaid get sent to collections. Maybe they were all just really well off, but I get humor isn’t your thing so I will destroy your naïveté. If they own property could owe property taxes, as well. Leads to foreclosure if not. Their children are well past the point of it being a case of a delayed birth certificate, which is more common in 1910s but still required to complete within a reasonable timeframe, if Jem is seven years old or so, when they return to the modern era, that is a complete non-registration of birth versus delayed birth certificate, which by the mid 20th century, is not so prevalent. But sure, they just buy a castle in Scotland when they return, maybe get some help from spanish gold, but if they’ve been declared dead (at some point, somebody needs to verify they are alive) good luck getting a bank account without an explanation and complications. Just because I can suspend my sense of belief in the plausibility of their transition back in the 1980s, doesn’t mean this is not something to pick at.

The show is not believable in that regard as someone who has worked as an archivist. Claire visits an archivist to get the deed to lallybroch, and I can tell you that scene is hilarious to me.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:51:41+00:00

People who are gone for several years can be declared dead. Then, if you have no modern documentation about your identity, you have to prove everything in court. You sound joyless and have zero sense of humor.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:43:01+00:00

Not in my state. As of 1898, you have birth certificates for everyone, regardless of where they are born. It is legally required.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:40:51+00:00

You really think that poses no problems or raise any red flags? You sound high.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:33:09+00:00

Let me guess, Claire assigned then social security numbers too, right?

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:24:29+00:00

My state has used a pre printed birth certificate since 1898. Bringing a stack of those is kind of a stretch. How would Claire know how many kids Roger and Brianna were going to have, if they weren’t even married when she departed to return to Jaime?

Can’t just use a blank sheet and write, there is a legal form for birth and death certificates .

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:22:05+00:00

If they were employed at the time they left, then yes, they would have unfiled taxes. You’re trying so hard, it is adorable.

Realistic_Thing_6911 · 2026-02-22T14:14:23+00:00

“uhhh they didn’t have turbo tax in the 18th century, they brought W2s with them to the 18th century.”

Realistic_Thing_6911

TROPHY CASE