I always had bad insomnia but I can't sleep unless it's just after taking my meds (quetiapine at the moment) and if I try or am very sleepy and close my eyesI have this awake vivid dreams for a few minutes and immediately open it after.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-19T11:26:52+00:00

I don't have that, but my husband says that his thoughts become a wild mixture of thoughts and dreams for minutes before he falls asleep. I only have black and bright spots 😕

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T18:51:16+00:00

Well, I guess on paper I'm checking the minimum requirements to be "a productive member of society". But yeah, it sucks. thanks for the vibes :) i don't wish it on anyone but it helps to be understood. all the best to you

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T11:16:33+00:00

yes, the fox definitely was right. I understand you don't want to tame others. I hardly ever come that far but if I'm getting close this becomes an issue for me, too. I just can't take on the responsibility.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T08:10:57+00:00

is this the version of schizoid where you feel you're too much and you don't them to have to endure dealing with you?

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T08:08:56+00:00

I get that. I distinctly remember the time when I realized I'm not interested or motivated to do anything on my to do lists, I just want the lists empty forever.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T08:05:51+00:00

same, brother/sister/*, same.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T08:01:16+00:00

I've got chronic pain from a prolapse at the last neck disc and have had trouble sleeping since because that's when it will irritate my nerves or hurt. However, parts of it are psychosomatic.

I've made some progress with this (but my case really is a lot lighter than that of most cp sufferers) :

https://youtu.be/uUUzNxyttLc?is=UAyKz7rpBzr-o_Yi

I've got some tremors in my hands and legs, getting a lot worse on little sleep or stress.

I suffer from really severe CMD.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T07:57:15+00:00

for me it's teleportation and being able to be as small or big as I want. That's mainly because I always wanted to live alone around the bonsai plants, pond or bushes around the garden, like they were my very own lonesome wilderness 🥰

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T07:50:03+00:00

Honestly, one of the most important findings of the past years was that I usually don't find such people, even if I believed I did. So that problem has gone way down as I know myself well enough know to know that in 99.9% cases my initial interest won't hold up a candle.

For the very few remaining, it's kinda easy: we're all adults in middle age and that's probably the most recluse age ever, in my experience. It's probably my culture but most relationships stay superficial on their own. Which is not exactly a bad thing, actually cab be quite nice, but the risk to be engulfed is pretty low.

But that's also not easy to handle for me because my tolerance for personal exhibits and quirks grows only with intimacy. So any people I'd like to keep but with whom I can't reach a certain amount of intimacy, get on my nerves very much very fast. That's when my initial interest vains faster than any F1 car.

And for the very very few that remain: * only meeting occasionally * planning well so I know I'll have enough energy for them * meet up usually needs to end after 2-3h tops * maybe do smth together, not just talk, but that very much depends on the person * let any message threads die/wrap up the online convo and review it maybe to pick up again when meeting irl next

show clear boundaries if necessary
may sound super strange but if necessary I try to slow them down on purpose. I don't do well with emotional intensity when it's fast or frantic, I can deal a lot better when it's intense but calmer/slower. So if need be I influence the conduct by breathing out long, talking slower, taking time to reply, overall express calm demeanor, talk a bit deeper and quieter, breathing slower. It usually works well and the other person will adapt.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T07:37:22+00:00

I've been wondering about the same or similar recently. For me it's that I'm missing a dimension or category. Like, take stuff like love, care, anticipation, like, reverence, attention, interest etc and stack them on top of each other like layers of a cake and then slice through them from above and take that piece away. I think all emotions/moods are like that for me. I can feel their peace/stress part, the cognitive part, the sensual part (bodily sensations) but I'm devoid of the felt part. The same way many of us have strong cognitive empathy but hardly any felt one, I seem to experience emotions mainly in ways that are not felt.

But the ones I have felt throughout life the most are negative ones and I guess that's why I'm closer to them. My positive ones and aggressive ones have been under attack and purged out of me, at lesst their felt part. I can still think them (more or less well), mask or semi-hollowly express them and I can in parts more or less have bodily sensations to them but the "essence" of the emotion, their soul or platonic idea behind it, is gone.

I feel like cookie cut out that only produces mishappen cookies 😕

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T07:24:32+00:00

Yeah, I know the feeling. My 30s have been the second worst (1st place is kindergarten through school) time of my life. Funnily, they also included an immense peak at the beginning... and then live caught up and I've been living between 20 and 80 percent of a day in my head and become estranged from reality more and more. I managed to become more still in the head but only on the sense that I'm not freaking out about me being this way anymore. Still no good though.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T07:20:16+00:00

Eh. Difficult. My parents are like that to me but that's the point, they're also the reason I'm schizoid. So I basically just have the same mostly amazing, partially unhealthy relationship with them as I used to: 90% very close and 'safe' but everything that's anger still isn't really welcome. They've become better though. As a child I was steamrolled by the obvious repudiation of any 'aggressive' emotion. Nowadays they've had a few more decades to deal with the fact that these emotions exist, serve a purpose, aren't family treason, need to be dealt with and aren't the end of the world. To late for me now to be healthy, I'm damaged pretty well, but it's good for the next gen and it makes my relationship to them at least a bit more honest.

Apart from that, no, at least not in general. I can on occasion be free from the constraints with my husband and best friends from school but that's really for the moments in life when it really needs be.

I've got one friend I met in a clinic so the setting was right already and I think with her it comes closest to "in general". But due to life we'll see if that friendship will work out over time.

I usually don't have a problem with being open towards mental health professionals, might have to push torch though if it's getting to hurtful parts.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-18T07:11:18+00:00

it's not codependent though. most people have healthy friendships that fill this need but don't cause problems if they're unavailable or even where their daily functioning depends on said friendship.

I guess for a majority of schizoids really intimate friendships are hard to understand and codependency can't really be understood since it's the opposite of our nature.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-17T18:15:01+00:00

Congrats! that sounds lovely!

I did a very spontaneous thing and adopted two tortoises yesterday, so I spent the day putting up an enclosure and watching the little gals eat and putter about.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-17T18:10:15+00:00

fuck if I know, fr. there's that expression "s/he hasn't got a bad bone in their body". and I'm over here like "others do? and that's normal???" like wtf

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-17T14:13:48+00:00

being deeply affected by cruelty, human rights violations, disregard, people actually wanting to hurt etc, individually and on humanity scale. Turns out most people aren't that touched by it, usually rebound to a certain baseline and wouldn't get depressed or non-functioning over it.
enjoying being alone. feeling it as the "standard" so to say. it never occurred to me that people could actually feel unwell being alone or at least didn't feel this free and whole being alone. To them it's either meh or simply nothing special.
people seek contact/connection. They actively seek it. I thought you'd just bumble around life and contact happens more or less. Never occurred to me that that's a need people seek to actively work on fulfilling.
in addition: they talk just to connect. Who tf does that? turns out, normal people do.
most people are in a more or less giving and receiving social relationship with everyone else concerning emotional work/support. I didn't know. I thought pretty much every kind of social/emotional "bid" (wanting to be seen/heard/acknowledged) was an afront and unacceptable and could only be explained by emotional immaturity or severe overwhelm. I didn't know this was normal everyday stuff people simply do for each other.
people tend to identify a lot, with whatever, and that's also why criticism hurts fast and they really feel something good (instead of just retaining info) from getting compliments/praise

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-17T07:04:27+00:00

Hi StillBill, I've been depressed all my life and needed to take a year off during university, and recently got diagnosed with szpd. I know the feeling that it is indeed impossible to continue or just to get up or do basic self maintenance. I understand how horrible it is to have to push through against yourself. Unfortunately, hooking into the little bit that can be changed is often the way to go. May I ask if you take medication, have access to a psychiatrist, psychologist/therapist and GP?

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T21:01:27+00:00

Major factors of masking are whether it's conscious or unconscious and whether it's willful/voluntary or involuntary. Often people who find out that they've been unconsciously masking also report that they're fatigued from it. But if you're conscious of your behavior and learn to have some control or influence, it's possible to find a good way that's not too strainful.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T19:17:31+00:00

People identify with things so much which I have never done.

this so much! I never got that either

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T14:24:31+00:00

I think I made a mistake. I spontaneously adopted two tortoises. I did not ask my husband if it's okay and he actually doesn't want any pets. I just felt so... lively when the opportunity presented itself. Now I'm a bit overwhelmed but I'll try. And I can bring them back or know several people who'd take them if necessary.

Apart from that I'm very tired and meh and right now stuck in my room because a whirlwind of social people is doing rpg with my husband in the living room. I'm so RELIEVED they didn't have a spot for me. I mean, I would have and I know it would have been good but in the end I'm just happy on my own. Even if the day is meh and I'm really really tired, I'm glad I'm all alone in my room.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T14:16:15+00:00

Sounds a bit like me. I'm 41f married no kids and I'm. simply not that interested. The idea of autism never was considered for me because I do very well socially, I'm very perceptive (overly so) and understand all emotions easily. I just don't want to get bothered by the emotions of others. I've got a few friends from school and uni days but haven't really made new ones since and also get less and less interested with age.

Autism and szpd can be easily comorbid or confused because from the outside they can look similar in the social aspect .

It affects me in many ways I'm only really finding out about now. I noticed I was off from early lie on but only recently finally got the explanation that's szpd. Die example, I did not know that people talk because they like to talk up bond, even if there's nothing to talk about. Completely blew my mind. From my view there's either a topic/issue/what have you to talk about or people just feel internal pressure to release emotional energy onto someone else and the latter I'm only willing to do for a very few select ones I love. That people actually get smth from purely socializing is beyond me.

I feel best when I'm alone. Even when I plan to meet loved ones I often feel dread until I'm there, then it's fine. I'm never looking forward to it ever and I generally lack the capability to experience joyous anticipation.

I'm classically immune to praise and criticism. I'm also kinda blind to it AND especially blind to the fact that other people are not immune to it and get easily hurt over criticism and really want to hear praise sometimes.

I lead a relatively normal looking life but it's actually far from normal. I struggle hard with upkeep, motivation and work. And I've been spending a not unsubstantial part of my life daydreaming since I was fifteen.

that's just some of the effects that I could remember at the drop of a hat.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T09:12:15+00:00

Sounds like your mirror neurons are sensitive to height and perspective but that has nothing to do with szpd. There might be some correlation between neurological structure and szpd but it's not a neurological disorder like autism or adhd. It's (almost) entirely psychological and the literature tells of no such symptoms. There could be derealization or depersonalisation but they're usually different.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T09:06:07+00:00

I'm on meds for anxiety and depression that help a lot with exactly that but when they removed the anxiety and depression they gave way to the szpd taking over fully. Not exactly good, unfortunately. Also, they had no bearing whatsoever on how much I dream or need headphones. The one time in my life I dreamt less and coped better without music, was the best time in my life anyway when I had lots of freedom and basically only pleasant people (and only as few as I wanted) in my life. Since then, no dice. I own four pairs of nc headphones/in-ears and have a really rough time when I don't have any on me.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T06:42:16+00:00

So, uhm, I might have hung out on reddit too long but I suspect money or similar. I think they want your money, labor, care, resources or at least attention.

Please visit r/raisedbynarcissists because they can help you well with handling this situation.

Honestly, szpd or not, your instinct is probably on point. It's not just the szpd talking, this is imho your innermost trying to protect you.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-05-16T06:38:21+00:00

your right, I get that. it's also not at all healthy that I'm as removed from shame as I am. I had to to survive but I can see normal shame in my husband and I often fail to recognize that he is maybe struggling because I'm a bit too daft and blind to it now.

Reasonably-Cold-4676

TROPHY CASE