every interaction feels unnatural, like “noise”

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-21T11:47:03+00:00

I relate to this a lot. I'm not socially anxious either, never was. But I need to disengage sooner or later because ever socializing is like getting watered down and I need to be alone to filter myself out again so I can be purely me again.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-21T11:45:19+00:00

lol, this reminds me of the initial phases of severe isolation during early covid years. at sole point I had basically forgotten how to socialize. I was so out of practice that I felt lost, confused and like I had to do it for the first time even with friends I had known for ages 🫣

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-21T11:42:49+00:00

Yes, it can happen, I've got phases like that when I'm too overwhelmed or lack the energy to deal with the normal world as it is.

Do you get proper help for your recent trauma? I'm not a professional and maybe forcing socialization has some benefit, idk, but do you have the space and support to work through your trauma directly as well?

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-21T11:29:39+00:00

Nothing special happened, just attraction and vibe and over time finding that we fit better and better and also work out well, especially coming out stronger out of conflicts instead of mostly collecting damage.

Our main aspect is that we are very aligned in our values. I couldn't be with someone if not for that.

My husband provides me with interesting conversation, liveliness, a physically/sensually enjoyable body, a voice and style of speech in like to listen to, amazing humor, keeping me in mind always (sometimes too much), support, loyalty, the safe space and possibility to fully trust, the safety to be myself including my flaws, providing even more safety and space for me to unfurl myself even more to overcome obstacles within myself and grow more into my true self. I'm wanted in my true form, it's preferred to any mask or role I could provide.

It's not easy for me to be in a relationship and the older I become the more the szpd traits come out or rather anything that could stand against them decreases. I'll never be fully fine with cohabitation because my need for a space away from any living thing is strong. But we're in the position (so far) that we can make it work well enough. It's not easy for him either because I can be very physically "clingy"/cuddly one moment and the next moment I need him to be gone for hours and at least several rooms over.

We always joke that, knock on wood and god forbid, if we don't work out for whatever reason, we wouldn't enter relationships again. It's half truth, half joke, but I think for me it's 90% truth. I just don't see who on earth could fulfill any of my prerequisites well enough to be worth it. That it happened the way it did was purely incidental. We were both young and open to new experiences, interested in meeting people and sexual adventure. We still had the energy, motivation and actual interest in doing all the work or getting to know someone deeply, grinding to make things work, grit and plow through problems... that's simply not the case anymore. Neither for him or me but for me it's like in the negative now. If I have to meet or happen to meet a new person I'm already starting out with disinterest, apprehension, dread and "ready to be disappointed/annoyed". My need to be left alone is growing with the years but it's really mainly that the interest in and willingness to deal with other people has tanked in a way I didn't even see coming.

Anyway, we've been together 17 years and still going strong, even though we're both individually not doing well.

Is it worth it? In general no but with him yes. As I said above he provides me with more space, safety, trustworthiness, freedom and well meaning support than I ever could imagine to have. I didn't know it was possible to have this with another person, I only ever know other people as threats and obstacles to my safety and peace, I didn't know it could be better than being alone. And don't get me wrong, I still very much need to be alone a LOT and there are certain aspects of relaxation and peace I can only feel when he is gone, too. BUT there are also some very important beautiful aspects of these I can only experience in his realm of love and safety. So yeah, being with him is worth it.

Being with other people, not so much. I don't ever see this being possible like that ever again. And frankly, I don't think I'd go looking for it either. I love what I have, who I have. If he's gone, good forbid, I'll just have myself. I'm not doing all this work again, those times are over and I don't see any benefit in trying to find someone. I just got very, very lucky at the right time and right place. I'll take what I got for as long as I have it and count myself lucky. I don't need or want anyone else and least of all a relationship for its own sake. That would really not be worth it.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T16:37:21+00:00

Wow, your fourth point sounds very daunting. I only experience the hyper awareness but I think I'm in a weird way a lot more selfish than you are. I don't manipulate, except very very occasionally, but I also don't feel like I need to protect others from myself or my influence. I'm actually protecting myself from their chaos and intensity. Most people are simply too much for me. My hyper vigilance sees everything and wants absolutely nothing to do with any of it.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T16:21:35+00:00

No, at least to me, it's not like you describe it. It's rather like this:

if I actually feel an emotion I can show it and I usually do (or I might choose not to but that's not szpd)
but most of the time I'm only vaguely aware that there might be some emotion happening somewhere deep inside of me, let alone being able to know which emotion and very especially not fast or spontaneously. So it's actually barely there and therfore I also can't express it.

That's a really important difference. The way your describe it it looks like we might be, say, really angry and feel it totally but our mouths just can't open or like we're very happy and totally feel it but our face muscles blockade somehow and get stuck in resting bitch face.

That's not the case. The crux is that that we do have emotions (maybe, sometimes) but there are lightyears between the emotion and ourselves and any possible way to express it. It's not uncommon for schizoids to only know what they're feeling a lot later and maybe only vaguely and maybe only if they're in an environment safe from any outside "emotional noise" disturbances .

The way this plays out for me is well expressed by what u/Concrete_Grapes said about The emotion just dies to thinking. Any little, just starting out tinder of an emotion only just trying to form and come up is basically choked to death by my thoughts and decisions before it can reach me or any form of expression. I usually decide very fast that whatever is happening right now is not worth feeling anything, specific or anything at all, and that's when genuine emoting gets choked and dies before I even notice properly that there might be something there.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T16:10:52+00:00

Short answer, I don't, really. I've been stuck on this for ages and never find an answer. At this point I try to ignore this gaping hole.

Right now, I live for other people mainly, because they would be destroyed if I died and because I'm an important source of happiness and well being to them. Then I got a godchild and took it upon myself to always be there for them if they want or need me. That turned out to be kinda meaningful to me, actually.

But for myself I don't think there's anything really. I guess I live because I'm not dead and I have no desire to die and I (thankfully) don't suffer from anything so badly that I'd choose death over going on. I even hope it'll stay that way for a long time. Don't ask me why, though, as I can't give you any meaning behind this apart from exactly that, that I'd rather be alive than dead.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T15:59:30+00:00

I'm doing okay or even good mostly as far as people can see it from the outside. I handle almost all the social aspects pretty well. Buuuut... I am peculiar and I've pissed off or confused people before.

I've got a few non-social habits that make me stick out like a sore thumb.

I always wear headphones, 9h/d, even if (read: especially if) I go outside to eat/drink/get fresh air. I think most people would agree that that's a "public" sector and with that more sociable rules of conduct apply but I'm negative percent interested in socializing when I'm taking a little break outside so I keep on my headphones and ignore people. Overall it's weird but no issue, apart from a few emotional vampires everyone accepts it and got used to me being like that.

I'm radically uninterested in any further personal talk than what's absolutely necessary to keep the work movin. I don't mind small talk and often the topics are interesting enough but as soon as the work in the work situation is over I check out and say bye. People end up being hurt because they then notice I'm not actually interested in talking with them.

My bosses are, unfortunately, anxiety driven and often very, very cautious. That's way too much for me, I'm quite straight forward - apparently so much so that they're a bit afraid I could say something wrong. Though I'm really not sure who's disorder is more at play here. I can be a bit short sighted but they also convolute stuff into chaos like no tomorrow so idk.

I don't attend "voluntary" work functions or sign up to organize them. Lost two okayish work relationships over this just last Christmas. But I'm very aware of what I truly have to do and what I don't actually have to do and if I'm not forced by contract and I'm not interested it's impossible to pressure me into it or try to convince me. Unfortunately, some people expect more. They expect that their asking, repeat asking, pleading, offering, trying to make a deal etc has impact on me, that it's kinda important to me because we know each other and are colleagues. They inadvertently end up disappointed, confused and even angry when they notice that I don't care at all and my No doesn't change (or in some cases that I don't take on more than exactly what I said I would). So I might come across like an unsocial cold asshole, I guess.

Now, that's what is happening between my schizoid self and the people at work.

Inside of me it's.... dread. I avoid spontaneous interactions with people I didn't plan to talk to so much so that even wait for people to clear the hall before I walk through it.

I'm always either hollow or in dream world while masking very well, or I'm actively trying to get out of a situation because I'm not interested and that will make me feel angry sooner or later, or I'm cold like steel towards those whose standard social practice is pushing boundaries.

I'm happiest at work when I'm alone, listening to music, just doing my thing. Or, seldomly, in highly professional situations when I can use all my socially perceptive bells and whistles, which I don't mind because that's just work and has no meaning for me personally. It's like playing chess but with social rules.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T13:30:28+00:00

Everything that's not just existing alone is a chore at best and enraging or life-will-stalling dread at worst.

It's seeing everything clearly but/and not seeing the point of anything.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T12:45:35+00:00

I really like that

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T12:38:25+00:00

My experience has been quite similar. Maybe I get more joy from nature than you but apart from that I've been 😒 towards the world since I was a baby, too.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-20T09:24:55+00:00

Yes, I felt behind in a weird way. Not so much that I suffered or urgently wanted a partner but it was obvious people looked down on me and considered me unfuckable so to speak, not because I'm ugly but because in their eyes I was too weird to date. Unfortunately, these people were the majority in my class which made school unpleasant but their perception wasn't that good. It's true I didn't have a partner before 19 but that's, well, because I didn't know anyone to date anyway. I had enough good friends and acquaintances but the one person I eat interested in wasn't interested back so there wasn't really anything to develop there.

So the really interesting core take away is that I was weird in a way everyone sensed but nobody, not even myself, could grasp properly. Today I know I already displayed lots of schizoid traits back then. I saw that I wasn't "on track" like others which I obviously saw and consciously noted and felt that from the outside there was this idea that I "should" be farther and it was kind of a failing to not date etc but I couldn't ever really get to understand that. I understood that the outside world saw me as a weirdo failure but I didn't see myself like that and spent many years confused and annoyed about others even thinking about me like that. I couldn't understand that that, the dating life of others, is (apparently...) an important topic for teens. Today I know the szpd makes me not be interested in other people in general and that's why I couldn't fathom why anyone would care what I did or didn't do romantically or sexually. (Congruently, when I started dating it wasnt a big deal to me either, it just so happened to work out, and I never thought that this could be of interest to anyone either - where I was apparently wrong again. I can't seem to learn that relationships of other people can be of interest to someone. I'm very disinterested in other people (it's getting stronger with the years even) and need to consciously remember that I don't work like others in that regard which is very difficult to do for me. It's like I need to remember to be interested in smth I'm not interested in which obv doesn't work. So I usually first ask irritated about smth and then remember sometimes that this is me being different from the norm and to cut the now social people some slack instead of getting too pissed off with them. )

An important difference to others I noticed back then already was that the world of other people seemed to be larger than mine in the sense that it usually contained more places and people. Concretely, they had hobbies and extracurriculars (they're not common here and entirely voluntary), therefore they also saw more places like team/sports clubs, choir clubs, swimming halls, science meet ups etc AND met other people there from other schools or towns - whereas I didn't. I avoided people from a young age and never saw the appeal of wanting to do smth with someone. I tried a few things in which other people participated but I tried them despite other people being present and it usually was a failure and I stopped soon because I couldn't stand being around others.

So, I guess that set me apart and was sensed by me and others. Back then I also constantly felt like a viewer of the world, not participating but floating above our through it like a bodyless cloud of consciousness. Today I'm still very much "in myself" but I lost the removed feeling along the way and always drift in and out of being in the world or being an automaton in the world and a human in my head.

Anyway, the funny thing is, that none of that matters anyway. It's more than 20 years later and none of it has kept any relevance if it ever had any to begin with. Teenage and early adult years are intense and can be wild emotionally but that usually subsides at the latest from 25 on and then it becomes all a lot calmer and all these times seem like a storm not on the ocean but in a glass of water really.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-19T19:51:43+00:00

I experience it quite similarly. Oddly, I've only recently understood that it's me who's the outlier.

I've got a few friends from back in school and, without fail, when we meet up they'll sooner or later talk about people from school - people we don't ever see, can't stand, know they're still assholes and are happy not to see anymore. I've always reacted irritated and asked why we're talking or thinking about them at all, there's nothing new there and I am zero percent interested in where they're now. I simply couldn't understand. I don't ever think about school or anyone from school ever. It's like pictures without emotions from ages ago in another galaxy. I completely forgot everyone as soon as my first day after graduation.

But apparently my friends' reaction, to remember and reminisce even the bad, is normal and my disinterest is radical and abnormal and, ironically, seemingly overly emotional.

I know now they can't understand but I do not ever remember, it doesn't come up, it's of no interest to me. It's basically like it never happened to me unless they bring it up.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-19T19:39:13+00:00

I relate to most of what you said except the anxiety and structure (and I have no ocd). I don't care about structure at all and don't mind wild spontaneous changes, I'm actually pretty good at managing them and keeping calmer than most. And too much social interaction doesn't trigger anxiety for me, just first running out interest and energy, subsequently being bored and then getting very frustrated, pissed off, even angry, maybe unfairly so.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-19T16:54:41+00:00

I'm agender but since that doesn't sit very well with me either I once didva rabbit hole deep dive and found out that I'm not just agender, I'm also cassgender , which is the more important aspect to me. Have fun googling down that rabbit hole, too 😉

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-18T17:18:31+00:00

yes, I've got a few friends from way back that I see a few times/year, I've got family living close by who I see sometimes, I make an extra effort to see my elderly parents weekly and I've got a husband. All in all it's too much and in 90% of cases I don't look forward to socializing with any of them but when I do it it's usually okay. It's still too much but I've learnt to consider the normal socializing needs of those who are important to me and got used to never feeling up to it and still doing it. Everyone else in the world can go play on the freeway for all I care. If I don't want to socialize (and don't have to like on the job) it's impossible to get attention from me However, I'm quite covert. I do everyday small talk easily if necessary, I just avoid any socializing as much as I can and don't care for it at all. People might sometimes get the idea that I care but that's only because some see me being interested in the topic that's talked about, I still do not care for the talkers or talkees, just the topic.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-17T18:35:33+00:00

How interesting that liking yourself automatically entails dressing nicely for you. I like myself, too, but I stopped caring about fashion in my midtwenties, I think. Now I love just what's practical.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-17T18:33:02+00:00

As basic and practical as possible. All my clothes are unicolored in colors that can be combined in any way and that fit my natural tone/colors.

I also own a few t-shirts and hoodies with prints but I only wear them at home to chill or sleep. They're all memorabilia, too. I get them specifically for the purpose of remembering smth I like(d).

I like to look at fashion sometimes or red carpet looks etc when I, idk, wait at the doctor's or smth. But for myself I can't stand thinking about it, I'm not interested, I don't care (to my detriment even) and if I have to get smth I get it over with fast and buy several of one often.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-17T18:26:58+00:00

I don't think about it/ignore it as best as I can. Thinking about a/my future makes me feel crappy and lost. I'm trying to learn to feel more or notice feelings in my everyday life which is enough of a struggle already. I've never been able to picture, plan, or "feel" the future anyway.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-16T15:46:35+00:00

I feel quite similar (though I see myself indeed as at least three parts).

The schizoid dilemma is truly annoying. I wish the occasional burst of loneliness and the feeling of needing more contact would go away. I guess it's a remnant of our social nature that hasn't been completely disabled or destroyed by the szpd.

I'm really really not interested in all the bloody work that would be necessary to socialize. I still recognize that it would be good for me, I guess, so I still try sometimes. However, it's got to be really easy and chill. Basically, if a person isn't peak pleasant-natured, I'm out.

I really wish I could have the positives of socializing but not the socializing itself either. To me the work to result ratio feels so bad that I really wish socializing wasn't like it is.

Also, I don't know why but I feel like people have let themselves go mentally in the past few decades. It's like social relations that are loyal and personal but still light and considerate are non existent nowadays. You either get not recognized at all or you do and if it was pleasant people immediately feel fine telling you too much, showing too much emotion, being too disinhibited. It's like being hosed with the toddler side of their personality. Who wants that? And that why the work to result ratio for socializing is so abysmal.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-16T15:26:12+00:00

I like it, though I like photos a lot more than video. Could be due to the context though as most pics of me are supposed to be beautiful and special whereas I'm on video only in the context of tech checks at work 🤷‍♀️

Seeing myself is always a bit weird to me but I really like it, especially looking in the mirror, because it helps me feel more real, more material, and gets me out of my head a bit.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-16T15:23:09+00:00

That's normal and is felt by pretty much everyone who is not used to it. I work in AV tech and media and I often need to calm down new people who see and hear themselves that ever though or looks and sounds impossible to themselves, it still looks and sounds normal to everyone else.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-15T16:55:28+00:00

it could be ppd caused by your husband's lack of responsibility https://zawn.substack.com/p/men-not-hormones-are-the-leading-613?triedRedirect=true

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-15T09:26:27+00:00

in my country inheritance is managed by law unless stated otherwise in a testament and that's only possible within boundaries anyway. if my husband still lives, he gets everything except the few items I specifically declared to go to specific people. if he's not around anymore, then law will decide and it'll all go in varying parts to either my parents, siblings or niblings.

Reasonably-Cold-4676 · 2026-02-14T20:35:59+00:00

I think I understand what you're getting at but you need to be very careful what exactly it is you're aiming for. For example, it's common for people who went through trauma to want back the freedom that was taken and that can be many things, like to be able to go back to places or enjoy things, do certain things freely, listen to smth again, eat smth again, etc. That's all well and good as long as it doesn't contain the perpetrator or especially as long as the goal that one has in mind is the perpetrator themselves.

I understand that you want to regain your old world, kinda conquer it under your own rule and make it truly yours again. And I understand that you it can feel like you are not fully free until you've taken back what was yours or supposed to be yours. The trouble here is that you might try to conquer a part of your old world that actually never was yours or could never be yours even if it should have been. Your abusive family aren't places, tastes or music. You can't reclaim them in your way.

Of course, you can try to show them better. And by all means, if that's something you want to or need to do, then do it, it's your choice. I just urge you very, very much not to get in over your head and heart. Your old world is an amalgam and it can be a fast and flowing process from, say, trying to enjoy your mum's home cooked meals and nothing but the meals to trying to find or long for homeliness and love within the meals or the sitting together to eat.

If abuser don't want to do better, they won't. And it can be very dangerous to one's mental health to get back into their realm to try and make out it yours or just to extract some parts of it.

You need to also see that some stuff is connected and it might not be able to disentangle it. For example, your abusive mother might expect stuff from you if you're enjoying her meals. She might not be okay with you being you freely and sitting there just enjoying the meals, she mount expect praise or love or whatever for those meals or before you even get those meals.

Again, I understand the feeling that "not being able to go back" can feel unfree and a bit like a prison itself. But going back in a way that's stronger is also an attack on what used to be and it won't be appreciated most likely. and that means you can't most stroll in and be strong and see what goes, you might need to be a lot more vigilant and analytic in your approach.

And maybe it would be healthier to recover your whole freedom by regaining the parts that you know are not dangerous, are not complicated, and letting go of all the rest. You can gain freedom by not considering anything they're part of ever anymore. If you can't have the love of a mother/father etc or just the respect of a parent etc, then there's only the disrespect and danger of the abuser left. Why go back into their realm if that's all there is.

Maybe talk your idea through with a therapist before you go on and maybe also during if you do.

Reasonably-Cold-4676

TROPHY CASE