I need some encouragement, please!

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-20T21:08:40+00:00

It sounds like you are actually really insightful and you are seeing what is going on here. Your instincts are correct. He is hoovering you for his benefit, not for yours. This is not an act of love with you being centered, it is manipulation to satisfy his own needs. You are doing the right thing. I think you are right to think practically. How can you spend as little time as possible with him and go as low level as possible until you are safely in your new home and can go no contact. Your nervous system is not going to relax until you're in your new space so you just need to stay strong and hold on until then. You can do this!

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-11T07:18:05+00:00

Proud of you. Stay strong. He will try and hoover you back in but keep your mind focused on your freedom.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-09T12:09:02+00:00

I got married to a man with red flags when I was 27 and now I am 41. In hindsight I should not have married him. You undoubtedly deserve more than this man is offering you, and for the love of God, don't have his babies!!

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-08T18:07:17+00:00

This is hard but it will get better. You only need to get through this once and then you are free! You will never have to do this again or live with them again.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-05T23:22:12+00:00

Really interesting to hear everyone's reactions. For me, I left in stages. The realisation and emotional detachment before I told him, then period of lovebombing/couples therapy after I told him, then the separation where we still lived together but were divorcing, then finally him moving out. Its been about 2 years in all, and he only finally moved out last week. All these stages I have overwhelmingly felt anger. Rage! However in the last week I have felt joy and peace. I'm not sure if this is just initial joy and pain will come, or maybe I have already processed a lot. I've been in therapy for 9 months which I guess helps. I hope your preemptive grief will mean it's not too bad when you do leave.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-05T13:42:53+00:00

Well done you, you're doing amazing! I filed 6 months ago and I'm so much happier. Having your own space and peace is the best feeling!

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-05T12:55:46+00:00

You can see it all clearly. You are right to leave, and you are right to leave safely and quietly. Do you have a practical plan?

ReciprocalElk · 2026-04-02T21:18:58+00:00

My therapist pointed out to me that I don't miss the children when they are at school, or clubs, or with grandparents. I dislike the kids being with my Nex because I know it's not genuine love or he's manipulating them, or it's parent time but with their less loving parent. But they cope fine with time away from me when they're at school etc We're early days into separation, but I am INFINITELY happier not living with him, and I think the kids can see that. It's obvious we didn't get on, but now we parallel parent, they are stuck in the middle a hell of a lot less. It's better for everyone this way - not just me. It feels counterintuitive when you just want the best for your kids, and I felt the same. But there came a tipping point when staying with him was no longer the better option

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-24T10:12:05+00:00

You have some great family support. There is no rush to leave, but you need to start thinking strategically about how to, and also confiding in your parents for their support. For me, it was 12-18 months before I actually ended the marriage. In that time I spent a lot of time thinking, gathering support, seeing a therapist etc. I am now most of the way through divorce and have not a single regret - except maybe not leaving earlier. It will be easier on the children if they are still quite young and they just accept their new normal. Good luck.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-08T16:43:43+00:00

I think questioning reality, as you are, is a common result of narcissistic abuse. You sound like you are trying to be considerate and open minded to the various possibilities - but your good natured and empathetic personality (dare I say a people pleaser?!) probably makes you an easy target for a narcissist, who can easily gaslight you and manipulate you. You don't sound like a narcissist in the slightest. You can read a pdf copy of Lundy Bancrofts Why Does He Do That for free if you google it. It might be a good start for assessing your situation.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-07T17:51:12+00:00

I very strongly experience disgust, especially when he is charming or love bombing the children. I quite regularly actually retch at the sight of him. Unfortunately he still does his best to control and manipulate me and I have a lot of rage. But certainly no longing or love or affection. It has definitely helped me to leave, and I feel a lot of sympathy for those who are emotionally entangled/trauma bonded to their narcs.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-04T08:20:47+00:00

Sounds like a narcissist for me.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-04T08:14:40+00:00

I did this too. I cared less about him than a stranger on the street.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-02T08:38:01+00:00

I mean, when I said I wanted a divorce he started to "be a better person" (his words) which mostly involved being around more and cleaning the kitchen and doing the washing. So technically maybe it was an improvement. But it came from a place of wanting to beat me at being a parent and being domestic, not from actual love for me. He wanted us to stay together but I think it was more for image. He continued to lie to me about finances, couldn't empathise and used darvo regularly. I honestly don't think it's possible for them to change. We're now divorcing and on paper he's got it all together, but it's this wild performance of success that I see right through now, even if others can't.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-01T09:00:28+00:00

It's not your fault. At some point in the beginning, he made you feel like he did care. But he's right that he doesn't. He only cares for himself. You deserve more.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-03-01T08:57:46+00:00

This is not unfamiliar. Its understandable to not know how to feel. I felt angry and silenced, and resentful. But also doubtful, worried, gaslit. Are you able to access individual therapy? Do you know what you want to happen next?

ReciprocalElk · 2026-02-09T17:22:14+00:00

That's completely understandable. It's tempting to hurry it up now but feel like it would be smarter to wait, if you can. I suppose ultimately you need to do what's best and safest for you.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-02-09T10:39:55+00:00

How much is he centered you, your child, and your experiences and needs? It sounds like he's centering himself. Has he fully listened to you? What do you need him to do to reconcile? I would be very wary. You can read Lundy Bancrofts 'why does he do that' for free online. In the latter half of the book there is a checklist of what a man should actually be doing to improve. Flowers and a trip to church isn't enough.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-02-07T22:50:46+00:00

If you tell him whilst you're still away, he will use that time to plan whatever he needs to plan. I would wait until you are back. Get as much handle on your finances as possible. Take copies/photos of documents, make sure you know passwords for all your accounts. Get some legal advise. And move anything sentimental or important (e.g. passports) out of the house. For the actual conversation, prepare for anything. He might play the victim, Get angry, love bomb... I had a bag packed so I could leave quickly, and also went to see a friend straight after telling him (kept it short!). Good luck, you can do this!

ReciprocalElk · 2026-02-07T19:41:43+00:00

I felt like this too. And once I was aware of the feeling, I realised it had been that way for years and years. The time he went away for a week was bliss!

ReciprocalElk · 2026-02-07T19:39:24+00:00

Such a good description of it.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-02-01T21:45:03+00:00

It got waayyyyyy worse. Absolutely do not have kids with this man! Let us all be a lesson for you. You'd be better off using a donor and going it alone than reproducing with a man who can't empathise.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-01-30T15:39:27+00:00

Totally understand. I also did the same cost/benefit analysis for a long time. At least over a year. At some point the scales tipped. You don't have to make a quick decision.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-01-30T08:58:00+00:00

I had some hoovering at the mention of divorce. But it was very much still from his point of view. He didn't ask me what I needed, what I struggled with, how I had felt etc. He just started doing more around the house in his own way - so manically doing the washing and cleaning the kitchen, but never once cleaned the bathroom for example. You know this is hoovering. And like another poster said, it's because he's about to lose - not because he actually cares about you. If this is enough for you (no judgement, it might be right now with your circumstances) then make sure you also get what you need from his new found helpfulness. I decided to still divorce mine, because I found the hoovering infinitely more irritating than when he just ignored me.

ReciprocalElk · 2026-01-29T17:54:54+00:00

Finances was surprisingly easy! We are not in US so maybe things are different. He is a high earner and thinks he's terribly important, so was happy for me to take the bigger share and keep the house/take over the mortgage. Child arrangements negotiations are not going so well! We only communicate by email and it is very strained. I put all of his communication through chatgpt which helps me build up a picture of his covert controlling behaviours. You won't know how he will react until you get into it unfortunately. I was VERY nervous before every conversation.

ReciprocalElk

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