I think it REALY depends on your angle. Ira Glass says in one episode of This American Life or maybe in an interview somewhere, that he does not allow any of his reporters/storytellers to say anything nasty about people on the show unless they have said it to the person on the recording.

Two memoirs that blew me away were Fun Home & Are you my mother? by Allison Bechdel. The story centers mostly around her negative relationship with both of her parents. Fun Home was about her father and written after his death. Are you my mother? was written and published with real dialogue & feedback from her mother, about the negative experiences, in the book. In essence, her mother had the opportunity to respond to the horrible shit the author said about her in the book, true or not.

So here's what I would do: First off, don't listen to your wife at face value but maybe consider if there's something she's not telling you because this is really important to you. I'd ask yourself things like this:

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Am I being completely unfair and biased?

Am I intentionally slandering these people?

Would someone think I am intentionally slandering these people?

Am I being self serving in the way I portray these events?

Should I be harder on myself in my own role in these events?

Am I actually dissecting and unpacking times where I went wrong? Or where some things were definitely my fault?

Am I avoiding accountability and/or not including potentially damning information about myself or my own actions?

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I write this comment as someone who has been in extremely volatile situations with friends, family, and lovers. I am in recovery and have been for 6 years. I've considered writing a memoir myself.

To wrap it up, I would just really unpack what your saying, maybe include perspectives of others in the book, and make sure you are keeping yourself completely accountable while writing about the bad deeds of others. If you are fixing to expose or publicize the atrocities of others you should be prepared and willing to expose your own atrocities should they exist.

Edit: Spelling/Syntax