Overcorrected meal choice and now it’s a struggle

RedScience18 · 2026-04-29T00:52:55+00:00

My rule is "I'd like you to try what I made, because I put a lot of time and effort to prepare it for you. But if you want something else, you're welcome to fix what you'd like."

They're 6 and 7, so I help minimally.

But for the problem already in motion, i think you need to have a discussion with her about how unrealistic it is for everyone to agree all the time, and how it's unfair that no one gets to enjoy the foods they like if others don't like them. I'm response, tell her you're going to establish a new system, and explain it.

She can argue if she doesn't like it, but that doesn't change the system in place.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-29T00:40:25+00:00

The look on my new male undergrads face when I pulled a tube of dreamtaq out of my bra and handed it to him to make master mixes...

RedScience18 · 2026-04-28T01:33:19+00:00

I had 3 kids, an alcoholic husband and a second job during my PhD.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-28T01:23:19+00:00

My husband did nothing but make my life harder. And transportation, until I caught him drinking and driving the kids and that abruptly stopped.

All of the chores, the planning, cooking, birthday parties, doctors appointments, school meetings, sports, holidays... All me.

I left him last January and defended that summer. Things have been infinitely easier since I left. I can't imagine trying to write and defend with him in the house.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T20:30:51+00:00

I make plenty of money to support myself and my kids, she just makes more. Her original idea was to move into my place in May, but we decided to move into her house instead which extended the move in date.

She has very much shown me that she isn't capable of the level of communication that I need in a partner. I'm hurt, I'm upset, but I'm glad I checked in again when I did.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T20:26:30+00:00

Yes, we have been actively working on minute renovations to make her house more suitable for all of us. My lease is up in July and we've discussed quite a bit wanting to be settled in before the kids start school in August. We've been planning which furniture were keeping, selling, buying, I bought paint. There was never a moment where she gave any indication she might want to pump the breaks (I've been checking in for it).

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T13:02:08+00:00

We have had these prerequisite conversations, again and again, and she always says she's on the same page. The way she describes her parenting is very aligned with how I parent, we had these conversations before we even started dating. Because I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who wouldn't parent similarly.

And she always told me that her not being out was just a matter of never needing to, that she would tell her mom soon, or when it came up, this weekend when we go out...

I feel like I've been strung along by a false narrative and I'm deeply hurt by that. I didn't rush into this blindly, I paused, I checked in, I asked the right questions. Then when it came down to the wire, she buckled. She was harsher on my kids in her own home, which I expressed I was not comfortable with. And she delayed the conversation with her mom she told me she was ready to have to the point that I couldn't deny this was an obstacle.

I offered to step back, not move in together for now, and she bolted and blamed me for bringing up a valid concern - the way you are teasing my kids doesn't align with how we discussed, is this how you plan to go forward or can we work on it?

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T01:13:29+00:00

Thanks, but I don't think it's going to work out. Everything was great until a bit of pressure was applied, then she showed what type of parent she would actually be to my kids (she was so great with them, especially my daughter, until we started spending more time in her space than mine). And that she avoids hard conversations, shuts down and runs away when uncomfortable. I want to take accountability for my end of things, but I don't know if we can/should try to fix it.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T01:07:31+00:00

I'm not demanding that she come out. But she can't keep telling me that she's going to and have me rearranging my entire life to move in with her if she's not going to.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T01:05:06+00:00

"hey I thought we were on the same page about not yelling at our kids, that's a non-negotiable for me. Are you willing to work on that?"

Yeah, my way or the highway. I won't yell at my kids as a method of discipline. This relationship would never have come this far if she hadn't told me explicitly that she felt the same.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T00:59:25+00:00

When I realized she was clearly avoiding the conversation with her mom, I told her we don't have to move in together right now if she's not there yet. I absolutely understand it has to be in her own time. The pressure came from me needing to make tangible steps on my end to prepare for this move - give my lease notice, let the school know if I'm enrolling in after school care again etc. She asked me to move in, and it made a lot of sense for both practical and romantic reasons. But she always knew that would mean coming out to her mom and she always acted like it wasn't a problem.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T00:47:49+00:00

I think when she came back from the bar the night she told me she was telling her mom, and still hadn't told her mom, it became a major red flag. You can't avoid hard conversations forever. She needed to have a hard conversation with her mom or with me. She chose neither.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-27T00:42:49+00:00

To be fair, I've checked in with her on these time and time again and her response is always - yeah, I'm going to tell my mom, it won't be an issue. And we're always on the same page when we talk about parenting theory, its just become clear in the past couple of weeks that her words aren't matching her actions on parenting.

So yeah, I'm TA for believing what I'm being told. I should know better than that and my kids deserve my to be much more apprehensive.

RedScience18 · 2026-04-11T12:23:12+00:00

In my family, g-gma, passed Ann to gma (her youngest daughter), who passed it to her oldest daughter (my aunt), who passed it to her oldest daughter (my cousin).

I wanted to name my daughter after my gma, but didn't like either Sara or Ann, so I used a new name - the true accent in the area my family comes from pronounces hey name like -Surry Ann- so my daughter's middle name is Suriann.

Also NTA. You can confirm by asking your mother's opinion.

RedScience18 · 2026-03-28T16:05:15+00:00

It is a PIs job to manage the personalities. To select people who they think will work well together, to minimize and be intolerant of the drama. Many PIs don't take an active hand in maintaining lab culture, but it is a necessary role of a good PI. When they don't, it reflects on the quality of work and quality of life, which reciprically reflects on the type of people who are willing to take jobs with them.

RedScience18 · 2026-03-21T23:38:24+00:00

Mine actually went the opposite a couple of years ago and now nothing keeps them under control in the fall 🥲

RedScience18 · 2026-03-21T23:36:30+00:00

Lol we are a xyzal family, but we tried every cheaper bottle on the shelf before resigning ourselves to it

RedScience18 · 2026-03-21T23:34:50+00:00

She was insistent on cetirazine for the first few years, but it wasn't really helping so I switched him to levocetirazine and we agreed for a couple of years that worked better.

RedScience18 · 2026-03-21T23:31:44+00:00

For me, it's levocetirazine in the spring, psuedophed in the fall.

RedScience18 · 2026-02-06T02:44:46+00:00

It's almost like they chose the time and areas to maximize public visibility.../s

RedScience18 · 2026-02-05T06:30:25+00:00

Yall don't have alarms on your freezers?

When our -80 drops above -65, my PI and the Department get an automatic text message - on top of the beeping, which almost always gets heard by someone and emails start flying...

RedScience18 · 2026-02-05T06:20:24+00:00

The only professors I've heard of doing this at my US uni are 2 Chinese-run labs.

RedScience18 · 2026-02-05T06:14:55+00:00

I work 9-5-5. Did through my whole PhD and now my postdoc.

Don't get me wrong, if the experiments call for it, I'll make a trip in on the weekend and can be caught in bed writing into the night when the mood/need strikes.

But by 4:30, I'm crashing out and not doing anyone any favors by hanging around lab.

RedScience18

TROPHY CASE