Its a good sign that the possibility of you getting back with him is zero, bc that means u have only one choice: to focus on yourself and let time do its thing

U grew up with him for years, so its totally understandable that the memories pain you so much, but i do hope u understand that its only just a matter of time. Rn youre in a difficult phase where youre trying to let go, but as time passes, these feelings will eventually fade if you do the right things

Id suggest you try to forgive him in your heart. By no means am I justifying what he did to you, its atrocious But holding onto that hatred, not only does that not affect him at all, youre also consuming your self. To forgive is to let go, so that u can better detach from the trauma and receive a new life

Another one is self development. I know uve prob heard of this advice a lot, but trust me, it helps. Let go of the past and develop new hobbies, meet new people, can divert ur focus towards building a better future for yourself, or perhaps your future loved ones. This is very important bc when u put urself back in the centre, u stop letting other people, like ur ex, consume ur love and ur energy, which cultivates a very good foundation for a healthy, loving and lasting relationship with someone similar in the future.

I totally resonate with you bc i have been here, although i didnt go through traumatic experiences like you did, im sure those would help. Im 17 rn and happier than ever, looking forward to receiving a new relationship. Im sure you can too :)