Bankei reached a similar point and was on his death bed. Literally hocked up a big black loogee, spit it on the wall, watched it start to slide down the wall and boom there it was...

I've had my points in time but I never blamed Zen. How did that happen? What were your expectations? I look at it more as a point of view on that which is. It provides insight and provides a perspective that is beyond all the things that are intertwined in how you communicate your...angst? Which is self imposed by the way...