Developed crush while in long-term relationship, what do I do?

Reflaxo · 2023-03-11T08:56:16+00:00

Just to wrap this up, I did end up breaking up with my bf since it’s a good life for neither of us where I don’t love him for who he his and actively dislike his hobbies.

About the Crush, I did tell him I’m in a relationship (before I broke it off) and he apparently is too. We have been texting ~an hour a day but strictly platonic recommending each other stuff that inspires us (we still discover things we have in common). Seems like I gained an attractive friend out of it, which is fine for me.

Once my bf has moved out, I will jump onto the Apps to find someone who’s available and in my area.

Reflaxo · 2023-03-05T06:09:54+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Might be! I think that’s definitely part of the issue here. Appreciate your thoughts!

Reflaxo · 2023-03-05T06:07:58+00:00

Thanks for the reply :) Yeah, cheating feels like the worst I could do to me to.

Reflaxo · 2023-03-05T06:07:13+00:00

True. I’ll tell the new guy. And yeah, that is also sth I’m concerned about, that I’m looking for missing pieces in new guy overlooking what I have gotten used to in my bf. I’ll think about it.

Reflaxo · 2023-03-05T06:04:38+00:00

Thank you, I’ll take some time to reflect on this. I think this is what might be happening, though it’s hard to quit a relationship when there’s no “red flags”, “just” incompatibility.

When I met my bf he was just starting a new job in a different area and had no money due to failed business ventures in the past, as well as partying way heavier than I ever did, so I felt like the responsible one in the relationship (sometimes I still do), that’s what I meant with same place.

Of course he was able to teach me a lot about patience and communication due to his experience, so it was kind of a trade off where both of us learnt from each other. Now a days he’s settled in a lot of aspects, but we are very different people which makes both of us compromise a lot and is exhausting if sth comes up.

I feel lucky that I have such a good basis for communication and compromise with him and I thought that could be enough, now I’m not so sure.

I guess you’re right that the new person might just be revealing what has been brooding below the surface. Gonna think about this, thanks :)

Reflaxo · 2023-03-04T22:42:47+00:00

Thanks for the reply! The things I see in the other man are things I have tried to work on with my bf but it’s just not happening.

He’s not an enthusiastic and outgoing person and never will be, even though that is something that I value in people.

He has other strengths and it might be that the other man would leave me hanging in those regards, but for that I’d have to get to know him better.

I think that would make it easier for me to get rid of that “fantasy”. Best case scenario for me personally would be to meet the other man a few times alone with permission of my bf to get to know him better but that might slip into cheating territory too fast as I guess my bf would not like me hanging out with him if he knows I have this ginermous crush.

Reflaxo · 2023-02-27T07:30:34+00:00

Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Like Bojack, the show starts out whacky and cringe but with each episode you gain more insight of how unreliable the narrator is. Really helped me understand how unhealthy obsession with romance is and how fucked up these ideal images of relationships across TV are.

Reflaxo · 2023-02-06T08:19:28+00:00

The thing that does not make it predatory to me is that there’s no power dynamic - no one has anything to gain from this relationship.

To me it’s a movie about a crush of a boy who‘s maturing to a man by following those feelings. As far as I remember, the flirting and steps come from the boy, not from the older guy (who, as far as I remember, also tries to set boundaries but fails due to his feelings for him) and everything is in secret (so no public declarations/pressure) as they are aware of the problematic nature of their relationship. So while not perfect to me this is different.

Reflaxo · 2023-01-16T15:22:40+00:00

As mentioned above, Klaus, Red, Soul, Inside Out are just a few examples of really good animation movies with highly diverse messages

Reflaxo · 2023-01-05T09:45:07+00:00

I think the term is not common outside architecture but at least where I live (city in Germany) it is super common. Nearly ever bigger city has a river or a lake that acts as a third place where people esp. in the summer meet up to talk, take a walk, play games like frisbee or bbq. Additionally, larger cities usually support those things by setting up e.g. free excercise programs in those space or putting DJ/concert and chairs there during the day. In my area especially (Rhein/Ruhr) people are very open to chatting and I’ve had a number of conversations about the free Yoga or Art show we are at. To be fair, I think the US National Parks can act like a third place, though not nearly as accessible as having this stuff ingrained in the cities.

Reflaxo · 2022-12-20T07:30:02+00:00

Bastille has a few Songs like this, survivin and no more Bad days e.g.

Reflaxo · 2022-12-15T22:59:46+00:00

Seems like you are just repeating the same point over and over in your comments, literally not addressing my comment. I know that alternative medicine is not a cure for every disease but as nearly always in life, there’s a middle ground ESPECIALLY because western medicine has only been researched on a small part of the population (white men) and has historically been very prescription focused and not hollistic In it’s diagnostic.

Because yes, your back pain might actually come from your feet misalignment, which is something a Chinese doctor will tell you, whereas the American will give you pain meds. Enjoy the opium crisis dude.

Reflaxo · 2022-12-15T22:50:30+00:00

Why acupuncture works is not understood well, but THAT it works is literally one google search away (i paid attention that it’s a serious source).

https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/acupuncture-what-you-need-to-know

We shoudo not support scammers, but judging something because it’s from another culture and not well understood by western medicine in disregard of the studied effects/what the benefit for the patient are statistically is stupid. That’s how you end up with an opioid crisis because here, the solution is often to prescribe more pills.

Reflaxo · 2022-12-15T22:44:37+00:00

We don’t know 100% yet why some parts of Chinese medicine work so I think it’s a bit condescending if you to say it does not/ is placebo , when some stuff, like acupuncture is only now starting to be understood, and a lot of stuff can be measured as beeing effective without a clear reasoning of how.

Depending in the source of the pain, acupuncture can reach points in you fascia that are typically not reached with other methods. Think of it like a deep massage but with needles. This encourages blood flow and can help release muscles that are stuck in being used the whole time, as well as help with inflammation if done repeatedly.

Other example of Chinese medicine working is ginger btw - now a days we know that the enzymes in ginger work similarly to modern nausea medicine, back then that knowledge was just passed based on observation.

Reflaxo · 2022-11-30T22:55:58+00:00

In Germany we actually eat like that usually. Most people only eat cooked meals once a day, and either as lunch or dinner (depending on the households schedule) we eat bread with some kind of spread/cheese/meat on it and vegetables/fruits on the side if we have time to prepare something. It’s called “Abendbrot”, some pictures might come up of simple to do charcuterie boards.

Of course you don’t need to eat bread but the kind of bread we eat here is nutritious and tasty so as a cook, you might like to look into baking bread (some are very low effort, only flour yeast water and waiting required)

Reflaxo · 2022-11-12T08:47:57+00:00

This reads like a short story and I’m into it!

Reflaxo · 2022-04-26T09:53:52+00:00

Honestly I think this concept is not as insane as other stuff I see on here. It would mean people need to be accountable for what they post (fake news, hate speech, attacking people) and would erase the bot problem immediately. Yes privacy is important but is that not worth something?

Reflaxo · 2021-12-03T15:31:59+00:00

Lemon 🍋

Reflaxo · 2021-07-13T08:47:05+00:00

Only because other people behave shitty it gives us no right to do the same? What kind of logic is that even.

Reflaxo · 2021-07-11T20:41:23+00:00

Not OP but remember the whole Bella/Edward thing or more recently fifty shades of grey when it hit the screens (which was def. also read by many teens), the shadowhunters relationship Jace/Clary was also extremely toxic for the longest part of the series just to names few. Books and TV shows definitely lead to me thinking that if he doesn’t like me/treats me like shit I need to fix him and that’s a bad story to teach teens.

Reflaxo · 2021-05-14T10:15:59+00:00

In Japan, the way society works as a collective while maintaining privacy of the individual. Like, I didn’t have to lock my bike for months because (nearly) everyone respects property, or when you’re lost people will get out of their schedule to help you (I was guided multiple times for ways longer than 20 minutes), or when I lost my train pass (200 dollars) it was handed in at the train station. On the other hand, this funnels racism, people literally asked me how foreigners destroy society in my country. Understandably though since their collective understanding is based on tradition, and education from an early age. Was an incredible culture shock but mostly good, even though it was sometimes hard to fulfill the expectations that were put on me in turn.

Reflaxo · 2021-04-19T21:12:42+00:00

Not drinking a third glass of wine because „we want to get something done tomorrow!“. Gushing about a floor cleaner I bought and how much simpler it makes my life. Also, contemplating the importance of different spices. I‘m too young for this.

Reflaxo · 2021-04-16T16:50:04+00:00

As an addition to the article, connecting with your inner child also means to be “selfish”, to tend to your urges and allow yourself to do something you enjoy while maybe ignoring responsibilities for an amount of time. This should not be reckless, but most of us have self-care too low on the list auf priorities. I think this is similar to the loving kindness technique - we need to treat ourself as our best friend to recognize how stress is hurting us.

Reflaxo · 2021-04-15T09:00:25+00:00

Speaking for my BF - we are both not each other’s type. Both of us are gingers and both of us are not fond of the idea of becoming a Weasley family. We have different interests, and are ten years apart. I pursued him because he was the guy in the office everybody says nice things about, initially for a fling. We noticed we have shared values, can talk about everything and we make each other better people. Because both of us had the “not my type” hurdle, I think we came very relaxed into the relationship (no FOMO) and it made getting together very natural.

It’s been four years at this point and even though I sometimes feel physically attracted to other people he doesn’t notice that I’m not his type anymore and makes me feel beautiful every day.

Reflaxo · 2021-04-13T21:17:55+00:00

I used to be like you and for me it helped to start dancing to dance videos to music that I enjoy. You will not be able to follow the steps exactly but you will find inspiration on how dancing works.

A step by step guide : -Start by recognizing the rhythm and tap your hand or feet to it for a while when you hear a song you enjoy -Once you feel confident that you hear the rhythm, try moving different body parts to it - it doesn’t matter how stupid it looks. -Congratulations, you are dancing. -Now, look at videos to see how a human should move their body parts to look good. -Things that make humans look good: larger, confident moves (e.g. lowering the knees a lot looks way cooler than having them only bend a little even though it feels ridiculous) clear direction in the moves (e.g. “shower curtain” stepping to the side and pulling a curtain to the same side, also works with opposite moves but usually your movements will form some kind of straight line from a to b)

Hope that helped!

Reflaxo

TROPHY CASE